Where do people go after death?
Can I go there?
I just want to seek comfort from my family.Kase ang hirap ng huminga.Ang hirap ng intindihin ng mundo.
Cant I be happy just for once?Or can't I be restless and stop my wailing?
Hindi ko ba deserve maging masaya?
Kahit saglit lang.Gusto ko lang maging masaya.Gusto ko lang huminga.
Saglit lang.
Hindi ba pwede?
I rushed sprinting the hallway of the busy hospital to find the room they've told.Pagliko ko palang nakita ko na si Bonica.Wearing a simple shirt ang jeans,tumayo siya at malungkot na sinundan ako ng tingin habang lumalapit.
"Hey."she looked doleful when I gaze at her eyes as I look over the transparent glass na nasa pintuan upang makita si Vernon.
Bonica pulled my arms to the seat on the side while I was baffled by her actions.What is she doing?
"You can't go inside.He might get mad."she said.
Anong karapatan niyang pigilan ako?
Halata sa mukha niya ang takot na may gawin ako.She wanted me to just stay here outside and do nothing with what I'm feeling right now.Wala pa akong pahinga mula sa biyahe and after I stepped on the sloven place of Manila dumeretso agad ako sa Hospital to see him.Not just to see him,but rather to talk to him.
"I understand that you are shocked by what happened to him,pero hindi ngayon ang oras para kausapin mo siya.You can tell me at ako nalang nag magsasabi--"
Inalis ko ang kamay niya sa braso ko.Pinutol ko ang sinasabi niya by turning my back on her at mabilis na pinasok ang kwarto.It is all about personal matters na si Vernon lang ang may alam.Why would I tell her?Sino ba siya?
I heard her called me in whisper.She used informality as if we we're close.
Pagtapak ko palang sa kumikinang na tiles sa lapag ay ang automatikong pagbaling niya saakin.The door behind me opened,mabilis na dumalo saakin si Bonica trying to hold on my arms again.Inilayo ko agad ang sarili sakaniya at lumapit ng tuluyan sa nakahigang si Vernon.
Sumilay ang pilit na ngiti saakin while looking at his alive condition.He seemed okay and barely living kaya lang may lagas na ng buhok akong nakita sa bandang taas ng unan niya.I searched over his place,trying to convince myself that everything will be alright.Magiging okay siya,gagaling siya.
"What are you doing here?"he asked in serious tone.
"I came because I heard--"
"Sinong may sabing pumunta ka?"
Nagulat ako doon.Mabilis na umawang ang mga labi ko sa gulat na marinig siyang sabihin iyon saakin.All my smiles faded and my mouth just hang.
I tried to gain my confidence again just to talk to him.I find my voice and defeat the fear forming inside me.What is this?Is he being cold to me?
"I rushed here when I heard about you.Gusto ko lang malaman kung--"
"Bonica.."he called the woman beside me.He looked disappointed habang mariin niyang ipinipikit ang mga mata tila nagpipigil ng kung anong emosyon.
The way she called Bonica,pakiramdam ko mas pinagkakatiwalaan niya pa ang babaeng ito kesa saakin.
Well,I understand.I did the wrong thing.Who would be proud of seeing me when all I did was to cause him worries and pain?Natural lang na magalit din siya saakin but then,I can't find any reason for it.Ang alam ko,ako ang may galit sakaniya.
Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sakaniya.Nakapikit pa rin siya tila ayaw talaga akong makita.Nasaktan ako doon dahil pinapakita nya saakin na wala siyang pakealam sa presensya ko.Wala siyang pakealam kahit na narito ako para sakanya.
"..ilabas mo siya.I don't want to see her,nor knowing that she's coming.Tell her to go out because I'm getting sick more."
Hearing those line from him made me want to cry loud.Binabawian niya ba ako?He's being cold to me because I did that to him?
And the fact that he trust another now,mas lalo lang nadurog ang puso ko.Hindi niya alam na bago pa man ito mangyare sakaniya durog na durog na ako.
Humihikbi akong naglalakad para lumabas ng hospital.Pinilit kong ayusin ang sarili ko pero dahil sa narinig ko sakaniya,hindi na ako makahinga sa kakahikbi.
"Niña.."
Matagal bago ko nilingon ang tumawag.Inayos ko ang sarili ko at hinawi ang luhang dumadausdos sa pisngi.Bahagya pa akong nagulat na malamang si Tita Tasia iyong naroon.
She smiled at me. "Did you meet my son?"
She smiled with so much pain.Sa tono palang ng boses niya naririnig ko ang way ng pagtawag niya sa pangalan ni mama when she saw her inside the coffin.
Tumango lang ako.Sigurado akong hindi nya pa alam ang nangyare between our relationship.She might think we were still friends.
We found ourselves so silent inside the café.Nakatingin lang ako sa umuusok na black coffee sa harap ko.Tita got a chocolate cake na halos hindi ko na masabing slice pa ba iyon dahil sa paulit-ulit nyang pagtusok doon.I can't even move my position.I am just leaning forward the edge of the table,trying to think about what to say.
Rinig ko ang malalim nyang buntong hininga bago mag-angat ng tingin saakin.Nanatili ako sa posisyon mula kanina.
"I don't know what to do now.I already lost a bestbuddy and now He's going to have my son.I can't..I can't understand this.."her voice broke.
Napalunok ako.There's a lump in my throat na pinipilit kong alisin but it feels getting bigger and I find it hard to swallow.
Hindi ko rin maintindihan.When you want things to get better you'll be disappointed by the result.Hindi ko alam kung bakit nahuhuli ang ilang bagay.Hindi ko alam kung bakit kapag ginugusto mo na maayos iyon mas lalo lang nasisira.
Is this because you're trying to fix it?
Just like a bridge made up of popsicles or card,kapag nagkamali ka sa isang parte kailangan mong hugutin iyon.Minsan magkakamali ka ng pagkakahila then,boom.
Everything is ruined.Is that because of it?Sa isang pagkakamaling desisyon?Maling popsicle?Maling baraha?
Mama told me before that if I wanted something,even it's hard,you should give all in.You have to decide,you have to do the effort.Dahil walang bagay na isang kalabit mo lang ay darating na sayo.
Life isn't easy,so living is.
Mas mahirap pang mabuhay kesa malagutan ng hininga.But if you have someone you want to live with and be the reason why you wanted to live,you'll live.And I'm hoping Vernon will choose to live for his mother.I'm hoping for his recovery.
Paulit-ulit akong bumalik ng hospital.Kahit na madami akong trabaho dahil sa pagbabalik ko sa kumpanya,I feel like I needed another vacation.But no,abusada na ako sa lagay na yon.
Bumalik na si Tita sa Davao for her family.She told me na wag mahihiyang iapproach siya if ever I got problems in DMC.After all,property naman ng Del Mundo iyon.She would help as long as she can.Kailangan nyang umuwi dahil naroon daw si Tita Emera.I even saw goosebumps on her arms.Di ko alam kung bakit.
I saw Tita Tasia always on that café na pinuntahan namin.Nalalagi rin ako doon after I got pushed out of his room.Nakakainis lang makita na sumisilay ang ngisi ni Bonica sa tuwing ginagawa saakin iyon ni Vernon.I feel like she's ruling something she didn't owned.
Parang ang kapal ng mukha nya.Hindi ko dapat nararamdaman to dahil I used to like her and I admired her so much.Parang kalahati nga ng inspiration ko ay mula sakanya.Because she's the epitome of hardship and chasing dreams.
She make it came true.She became a lawyer.She became elegant and fantastic.
But,why do I feel like I badly want to hate her?Naiinis ako na ewan.Alam kong wala naman siyang ginagawa saakin pero...basta.
"How is he?Is he bettered?"she asked me after seeing her again in the same table we first sat and had a silent day.
"He kept pushing me away,po.But I think he's better thou,pinagtutulakan niya ako e."I chuckled.
Nagtaka naman ako bigla.
"Why,Tita?Hindi ka ba nagpupunta doon?"tanong ko.
She sipped on her latte bago tumango.She likes latte while I love brewed coffee or black coffee.She liked it with cakes while I want to be loyal to my fave.I only ordered coffee,either of the two.
"Since that day na una tayong nagkita sa hospital,iyon na rin ang huli na pumasok ako doon.I just couldn't stand it,seeing my only son being bedridden.Nakakaawa."
Umiwas ako ng tingin ng magsimulang mamula ang ilong niya.Ugh!How about a peaceful day without crying,please?
Tita looked exhausted!
I sighed. "He'll be fine,Tita." kahit ako pinagsisinungalingan ko ang sarili ko.It wasn't sure,and neither of the moments of my life I haven't told myself I'm sure about it.
I just say 'I bet!' but it's not sure.Just a bet.Either you win or you lose.
Madalas kaming magkita doon ni Tita.Ako galing sa hospital after sa trabaho then,si Tita galing sa bahay nila or elsewhere.Kung ano-ano ang pinagkukwentuhan namin hanggang sa umabot na sa iyakan dahil napupunta kay Vernon ang ilan sa usapan naming dalawa.
"I didn't let him go to Caravan or Peryahan to play like other kids.Hindi ko sinasabi kahit kanino ang kalagayan niya,and I'm so sorry for not telling you Niña.I just thought he will be okay after those intakes and therapies.Pero hindi iyon ganoon gaya ng iniisip ko..."
Humihikbi na rin ako dahil doon.Wala naman akong sama ng loob kay Tita dahil hindi niya ipinaalam saakin.Nirerespeto ko ang desisyon niyang iyon lalo pa at isa siyang Ina na ayaw mahadlangan ang kaligayahan ng anak.If I have known it baka puro pagsaway at pagtampo ang magagawa ko para kay Vernon,because I might get fear of playing with him while thinking he is sick.
Even so with Pen.Hindi na ito oras para magsamaan ng loob.It already happened.It is finished.At kung may gusto man akong gawin ngayon,yun ay ang makitang gumaling si Vernon.That's all I asked kahit na hindi na ibigay saakin ang pagkakataong maiayos ang anumang nasira sa pagkakaibigan naming dalawa.I just want him to live,so that I could barely live too.
Tita Tasia really loved his son.
Hindi niya deserve na masaktan ng ganito,so I hope Vernon will keep on fighting.At sana naman ingatan sya at alagaan ng mabuti noong babaeng pinili niyang pagkatiwalaan.She better do well or else,kahit galit saakin si Vernon papaliparin ko yang Bonica na yan palabas.
I hate her.
Simula ng itago niya saamin ni Pen ang nangyare kay Vernon as if she was his bestfriend or something,kahit pa sinabi nito na huwag,after all kami ang nauna.
Binalewala kami just for her?
Does she even know Vernon better than us?tsk.
Eh ano kung sakaling jowa siya?Kung jowa nga siya di niya deserve ang isang Romeo.Hindi siya bagay bilang Juliet,for her info.As what I say,kami ang nauna tangina yan!
Subukan niya akong irapan ulit susundutin ko ng scalpel yung mata niya!Tingnan natin kung makaikot pa iyon.
Month of June,death anniv ng pamilya ko.Muntik ko pang makaligtaan ang dapat gawin.Hindi muna ako pumunta ng Hospital.Baka sakaling mamiss niyang nangungulit ako.
I ride on my new car heading to the cemetery.I couldn't use Boni dahil baka maisipan kong ibundol ang sarili ko makita ko lang na nasisira iyon.Takot naman akong gawin iyon because that was my first car and it was Porsche Cayman for heaven sake!Hindi lang iyon basta sasakyan or regular Sedan na nakikita ko sa City.
I told Pen to bought me a Toyota Hilux and named it Vera, stands for our name 'Vernon + Saphira'.
Wala lang.Gusto ko lang magpundar ng sasakyan para saaming dalawa.Para sa memories,hindi ba?
Pagdating ko doon,nilapag ko ang dala kong bulaklak at nagsiga ng kandila sa lapag.Naupo ako sa damuhan sa lilim ng isang puno habang tirik ang araw sa ibang parte ng libingan.Naniningkit ang mata ko sa lakas ng init kaya binalik ko ang suot kong sunglasses.
I remained talking to my family through mind.Ayokong sinasabi iyon ng malakas because once I do,umiiyak ako ng sobra.My heart wasn't that heavy now that I'm seeing their engraved names.Magkakatabi lang iyon sa harap ko kaya isa-isa ko nalang iyon tinititigan.
I am proud of myself because I did it.Nakaya kong mabuhay ng wala sila sa tabi ko.Hindi naging madali but it was worth it to make me stronger.Yet,my heart isn't that strong thou.
May araw na matigas iyon.May araw din na halos hindi ko na maintindihan kung bakit gusto kong umiyak lang buong magdamag.
That happened recently.Umiiyak ako para sakanya.
I just can't believe that this is happening to me,to him..to us.Na matapos ang hindi pagkakaintindihan gugulatin ako sa isang trahedya.Hindi ko iyon gusto.Sobrang masakit para saakin na wala akong alam sa nangyayare sakaniya habang nakataas lagi ang kilay ko kapag kaharap ko siya.
If I have known it,baka nagpatawad nalang ako.
If I have known it,sana ako ang kasama niya ngayon.Sana okay kami.Sana nasabi ko ang tungkol doon.
I wanted him to know everything.I just realized it.Hindi ko kayang mawala siya.