I woke up running out of breath and I could feel my body and face were full of sweats. I tried to wipe my face but when I moved my hands, they ached so much that I had to stop moving and just let the sweat go down on my face.
I'm in the hospital. Those words just came across my mind when I saw that everything was white and I could smell that disgusting odor of the hospital rooms. I just stopped myself from puking for I wasn't wearing anything other than this hospital gown shit and I couldn't move an inch to go to the restroom and throw everything up. Stay there a little bit longer, buddy. You will come out after this hella shit finally leave me alone.
But... that nightmare came back again. I don't know how, why, or what has triggered it to come back to my mind but it was still terrifying as it was back then. My grip on my bedsheet tightened and started tearing up. I bit my lip to stop my tears from falling but it never listened to me. They've always betrayed me.
No... I shouldn't be crying like shit right now. I should be brave! I should be braver! I should... get up! I need to do what I planned! I need to fucking do what I have been planning because this is not just about myself! This is not just about yourself, Dilly! Get your fucking senses back! Get up!
I panicked and hurriedly wiped my tears off using my hands even though it freaking hurt as soon as I heard someone opening the door.
"—was she?" I heard Henry's voice.
"We gave her some tests and we saw that her body doesn't really take so much exhaustion. She easily gets tired and if she tires herself so much, her body would need a couple of days or even weeks to rest. And make sure she doesn't eat too many heavy meals. It might not digest quickly which could affect her health more. Anyway, give her the medications I gave to you, for her to recover fast," the doctor then explained and I heard a tap that he gave to him.
I don't know who left but I remained in my position, pretending that I'm asleep. There was a long silence after that before I heard someone walking near me.
"I'm sorry..." Henry's calm voice rang in my head and I was stunned when he wiped a tear on my right eye. "I know you're awake. But you can continue pretending, though I'm not sure if they could not notice that you're just pretending to be asleep." He chuckled softly so I opened my eyes and my eyes widened how he completely resembled my brother when he was laughing. "What?" he asked while laughing.
I looked away and frowned my eyebrows. "Can you leave me alone? No, leave me alone."
"Wh—" he stopped himself and let out a sigh. "Okay," he whispered and left without any other sound than the creaking sound of the door closing.
I was staring at the flower vase blankly until my body started trembling as I stifle and suppressed my tears from falling. I bit my lip so hard that it bled and I could taste the blood already.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! I shouldn't feel this way! I shouldn't be attached by the enemies! I shouldn't treat them as my friend! I shouldn't! I still don't know them, for fuck's sake! I... shouldn't feel safe... Because after all, they are the danger that I should avoid!
They are dangerous, Dilly. Don't befriend them!
But why do I feel so comfortable with them? I feel annoyed, yes, but why do I... Why am I feeling saved? Is this how lonely I am? That even the enemies, I want to befriend? Is this how desperate you are to be with someone, Dilly? To have someone to lean on? To have someone to protect you? To have someone to replace him?
Was he even replaceable? I don't think there would be someone who could ever replace him. No one.
Come back to your senses! Just this once, try to be brave! Take the risk and do what you planned! Do what you should do! Remember, this is not just for you, this is for them!
But those thoughts didn't help. I opened my mouth to gasp for air as I clutch my chest when it ached so much. My tears keep falling and it was already too late to wipe them when someone suddenly barged in.
I was startled by it but didn't look at the person. The sound of a stiletto walking near me rang on my head and the only one I could have was... Shirley.
"Is it badly hurt? That you can't endure it all? How weak," I could hear a hint of an insult from her statement and I couldn't help but glare at her as if my glare could do anything to her.
I was still clutching my chest for it was still aching. She, on the other hand, crossed her arms and smirked. "What? Am I wrong? You already knew it, don't you?" She then chuckled which made my grip on the blanket even tighter. "Well, I'm not expecting you to answer, anyway. 'Cause, your eyes have already the answer. Something those eyes could shout so loudly."
I looked away but I saw her hand land on the side of my bed, slowly moving towards me as she walk closer to me. She then grabbed my jaw to look at her forcedly. She put a wide smile on her eyes but her eyes were just blazing that I couldn't look at it any longer. But then, she forced me to look at her and whispered, "Aren't you gonna quit?"
"W-What?" Fuck this stuttering shit!
"Don't be scared... You're lucky that I'm not Val nor hold the power to kick you out. You're so lucky, huh. But luck doesn't always go in your way." She then winked and let my face go.
I moved my jaw and I feel like if I ate something, I had to swallow it fully because I can't chew anything anymore because of this state.
She stood properly and turned her back to me. I swear! If I had a knife with me or something that could kill this bitch, I would love to do so!
"Yes, that's right. Go on and kill me in your head," she suddenly said and looked at me again. "Because you won't be able to do that in real life—right here, right now."
I gritted my teeth but it only gave her satisfaction and added, "That's how weak you are, Dilly. Just accept it. Maybe by then, you'll be able to embrace your imperfections. I just don't get why Val put you in here when you're this piece of shit—"
"Shut the fuck up!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.
"Don't you dare cut me off and yell like that to me, you stupid wench!" she then yelled at the same time.
"Oh, I dare! You don't scare me enough, bitch!"
"Oh, really? What about this?" She leaned over my body and was about to pull out the things that were on my hands when we were both startled at the thundering voice of Valkyrie.
"Can't you fucking stop, you two?!"
Shirley moved aside and clenched her fists as she bow her head as if a kid and was scolded by her scary father. I, on the other side, closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath before I stared straight into his eyes. I even put on a small smile as if nothing happened and was not a big deal at all. When the truth is, I am freaking scared to hell!
As he walked closer, my heart was in a race and I could feel how my breathing was getting held on.
"Anyway—"
"Babe, Shirley!" Rother suddenly appeared and put his hands on his knees while catching his breath. He must've run here to see Shirley, not me. How thoughtful. "I-I thought... y-you're... t-there..." He stood properly and composed himself and when his eyes met mine, I immediately raised my brow. He then took a chair and sat on it while we were just silently watching him. "Why did you leave there? You knew I'm—"
"Gotta go now," Val suddenly said and his eyes darted on me. "The doctor said you have to rest for a couple of days so we have no choice but to put Rother on your replacement. Recover fast so I can finally see how useful could you be on us."
I quickly looked away after he said that and left us but it accidentally landed on Shirley's side. She was smirking now and I was never been this irritated my whole life. I feel like my blood suddenly went up into my head and I could feel the heat on my face slowly spreading into my body. If only I could defend myself. If only I could be braver right now... If only I am not this weak...
"Shirley! Are you listening?" Thankfully, Rother got Shirley's attention before she could even see me cry like a weakling bullshit. When I heard the door closing, that was when I couldn't hold it all anymore. I cried it out, I whined and complained, and blamed... myself. I hated myself but she's the only one I have now. I couldn't afford to lose her again.
There's no certainty in this world. If I had to hold onto their thorns in order to keep myself with me and keep them safe and alive... I would. Because that's life works. That is how they play and work at the same time. I just have to catch up.