Shiloh told me how I caught his attention. I teased him saying how he missed our first meeting, and that part spoke enough of his feelings for me.
“That’s a shallow feeling you have. Deepen it more, c’mon,” I added.
He smiled. “C’mon.” repeating what I said with the same tone I used.
Looking back, it was a confession already on my part. A week later we started dating and Heita was the happiest about that news. Shiloh was a great guy, really. He keeps me in check of what I’m eating and it felt like I personally hired a dietician. I teased him that a lot and he would laugh it off.
One time he asked what I wanted to eat. I requested a dish that my Mom cooks every time I was home. A fried rice and egg. As simple as that, that made him laugh.
“I was scared for a second. I thought you’ll ask for a dish served in a five-star restaurant.”
“Look, I haven’t been on a five-star restaurant so slack yourself, I’m not that mean to request a truffle pasta,” I said with a laugh.
He made it perfectly. The right blend and taste, just like how I wanted it to be. Maybe Naro felt this way when Leilani cooked and served food for him. She perfected a taste only her could make and Naro find it amazing. The first to do things for him.
The rest of our relationship, I find ways to compare to Naro. Simplest things like the way Shiloh wore a cap, his little mannerism of combing his hair, or the way I imagined Naro cooking for me when all the time, it was Shiloh’s back I was looking at.
It was November of last week, Heita came over my room to borrow a book I finished reading. A classic Giovanni’s Room of James Baldwin that I bought over Shiloh’s store. I was in despair and in guilt, questioning why I let myself in a situation like that. Being in a relationship to man while hunted by a guy from countless of summers ago.
“You draw?” she asked, probably saw bunch of crumpled paper on my desk.
“Practicing.”
She nod and continue to sat in a wooden block, facing me. Heita smelled the book’s inside and checked every pages with her hands.
“You know I always wonder about something. You and Shiloh are dating for almost two months, right?” she said it fast, not looking at me.
“Yeah, time flying fast, isn’t it?”
“Are you sure it’s not a rebound-thing you’re doing, Bieven?”
Heita was always honest and asked things no matter how uncomfortable that was. It did made me uncomfortable yet I understand where she’s coming from. She knows me somehow, not that well, but she knows me in a certain level. Especially that she knows about Naro.
“No, it’s not. Shiloh’s a great guy”
“I know. I can see that but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you see Naro in him. The hair, and the way they walk. I personally haven’t seen Naro but pictures, yes. Latest pictures in fact and in every time I look at Shiloh, Naro pop up in my head. I know you see the resemblance. Not that much but it was there.”
We didn’t talked about that after. Heita didn’t received an answer from me. The next day, Shiloh came over my student accommodation. He brought a cheesecake I didn’t asked.
“Have you ever in a relationship before, Shiloh?” I asked.
“One time.”
“Oh... that must have hurt. Your first love?”
“I don’t know.”
“Definitely a first love, Shiloh.”
“Do you have one I must know of?”
“Did you felt that strong longing for that someone, a yearning you could not explain for goodness sake? You know, I had and it sucked.”
“Yeah. First love’s like that,” he took a spoonful of cheesecake and fed me. “Do you still feel the same?”
The cheesecake was sweet but not that sweet which I loved. I shook my head in response to what he asked. He looked not convinced so I waved my hand to prove a point. The next month, December 6th I asked him to stop the relationship we had. A regret I still carry with me. Shiloh is a great guy and I regret breaking his heart. All was done, at least the baggage of guilt lighten.
Heita kept on reminded me for almost a week how down bad I was to a guy I intentionally friend zoned. She would make fun of me and I have to take the blow cause it was true. New years eve and I was back in my hometown when I received a message from our group chat. A greeting from Celia, followed by Ilio and Gimena. Before I could replied, a call appeared in my screen. It was not from the three but Naro. I answered it despite my hand shaking and getting a cold feet.
“I saw you online so I called,” he said before greeting me a happy new year.
“Why not call in the group chat? Are you home?”
“I’m at Leilani’s place and I want to talk to you about something.”
“Oh you’re celebrating new year together? How about your family?”
“Leilani’s a family besides I can’t go back home. I have bunch of things to do,” he said in quite an annoyed tone he never used on me before.
He introduced me to Leilani when he got the chance and all I could do was smile and greet plainly. What’s the point of this call? Was it all to introduce me to her?
“What’s the thing you want to tell me by the way?” I asked after awhile.
“How have you been?” he asked in a raspy voice. His eyes was waiting for my response.
It took one question. In the corner of my room, I sat after I abruptly end the call. It ringed again, multiple times, but I never answered. I wept and wept all the longing and yearning, all the unsaid words I have for him. I don’t need question of how I’ve been. I don’t need or want that. I want to live my life away from his questions of how life has been for me.