“What’s worse than feeling so foolish? When it hurts like hell, and you still think someone would come to rescue you from the misery.”
—Eullah
HAVE YOU EVER wondered what’s more painful than thinking of what would occur next? It’s expecting what you think would happen. But the reality was harsh and would let you taste humiliation and despair in more ways than one.
What did I do wrong this time?
The time stood still for a moment. Even my mind was not able to figure out what was going on. I know too well how I spaced out a lot, but right now, I don’t think it’s right to think at all.
As shocked as I was, I could not move my body, and my feet seemed stuck on the ground. I almost could not feel my cheeks as the impact made me incapable of any reaction. I was in awe that I could not do anything but gave them a blank stare. The sound of the violent slap that echoed in the whole pathway indeed grabbed attention.
I felt like I was a criminal. Did I even commit a crime to be treated like this?
Is this what I deserve?
Any minute from now, my insides would exactly tear up. I could feel it. I’m just standing still, but I know for sure that my feet would also give up on me now. With all the pressure and the stares I received from the crowd, I remained silent and stared back as calmly as possible.
If looks could kill, I would have died. I could see Nallie and the entire rage in her eyes as I met the face of the woman who was on the verge of hurting me more. That tall sophisticated built that any girl would envy, and her perfectly glimmering skin that any man would die for, was proudly accusing me of stealing his boyfriend.
But did I really steal her boyfriend? Or was it me who had my best friend stolen from me?
I thought my jaw broke due to the impact. My neck twisted, and I don’t know, but I could not defend myself from Tim’s girlfriend. Maybe because I was feeling guilty? But was it too bad of myself to think that somehow, I did not do anything wrong? Whether they finally broke up or not, I still could not convince my mind that everything I was feeling was right.
But did I do her bad? I’m confused about what to think anymore!
“Nallie!”
I am feeling so down, and all I could ever do was absorb the pressure around me. Nallie’s action started to attract more attention than we already had.
I guess she really wanted to embarrass me. And I’m so sick of myself that I’m no good.
“Why did you do that?” His deep baritone voice echoed in the pathway, which made me hitched to his angered voice.
Tim was the first one to speak up. My chest felt so suffocated when I heard him say her name. I was hurt here, but why does it look like Nallie needs more saving than me?
Slowly, I pursed my lips and gathered all the courage that I had in my body at that time to face them by myself.
I don’t know what’s more painful. If it’s my swollen face that’s aching so badly or Tim giving her ex, Nallie, that kind of affection that still lingers on his eyes which I had hoped he could have shown me, the difference was quite indescribable.
Could this get any more pathetic?
“Why did you do that?” Tim’s voice thundered, and I swear I want to run away from them all. He held her in place by grabbing her wrist firmly as she was about to storm her feet towards me.
Nallie’s piercing eyes bore through me, and then she angrily sided with Tim, shaking away her hand away from his tight grip.
“What? Is this why we broke up? You can’t stay away from this goddamn bitch, hiding her real feelings for you with that so-called best friend of yours!”
She insulted me in the middle of the crowd, making me look like a filthy pathetic slut, going around with the guy she had adored so much.
And our friendship wasn’t saved from that.
Nallie was just too emotional at the back of my mind; she had to make a scene. But, should I remain to be so helpless now?
My fingers balled into a fist; my nails almost buried in my palms. But no matter how much I wanted to speak up, I could not find my voice. And I was there looking more pathetic than ever. 
The vital features on his face were defined so significantly. He closed his eyes sharply and pursed his lips as he went on to calm his girl. “Nallie! Stop saying that! She’s got nothing to do with your suspicions and our relationship.” Tim almost shouted just to make her stop saying all that.
My best friend was there, standing in front of me while I figured out what was on his mind. The veins in his arms protruded, making it visible in our sight, and no one knows what he could do when he’s mad.
His teal v-neck t-shirt made him look so dashing, but even I couldn’t appreciate that.
I looked around and discovered that some were murmuring over this commotion early this morning. Many students, primarily passers-by, were making a stop just to listen to what was happening right here. They were throwing me glares of judgments, and the grimaces drawn all over their faces made me want to vomit. It was as if they already knew the whole story as they eyed me with disgust and started calling me names unpleasantly.
I wished I wasn’t here. That’s the only thing I could exclaim.
Why is this happening to me?
I kept ignoring those kinds of ugly stares, shooting me like daggers in my chest, but, Nallie after all, could not be stopped.
Her brows went even higher, and with angst, she replied to him. “No way! After all that I’ve said to you to stop being with her, you still choose her! And what? Do you love her than me now? What are you, a cheater?”
I covered my face in too much humiliation. No one ever dared to do something behind Nallie’s back. All I did was let myself be more into him when I knew he already had Nallie. No matter how much I wanted to contain my feelings all to myself, it would always go out. But was it too obvious? When all I did was to hide it all along?
Tim roared in annoyance as a reply. “Damn it, Nallie! I did not choose her over you, and no one’s going to cheat on you, okay? It’s you who pushed me away. Why can’t you understand that?”
That’s where my heart sank into the bottom of the sea. 
I did not choose her over you…
I did not choose her over you…
I did not choose her over you…
With just those words, that was enough to make me feel like crap. It kept on ringing at the back of my mind repeatedly.
The crowd got a little bigger as more students from different colleges were surrounding us.
But she never held back and crossed her arms on her chest and asked him suspiciously.
“Then why are you with her?” 
I could see how Tim almost held the thin thread of his cool as he brushed the strands of his hair in irritation using his fingers. He’s losing it. “Is there something wrong with that—”
This time, I suddenly found my voice even a little. How I wished it wouldn’t quiver to which I dismay. “N-Nallie, m-maybe we could talk these out someplace else—”
She interrupted me quickly. “Then what? Would you lie to me? Huh! I’m not that stupid.”
“I’m not lying. So, please just listen—”
She mockingly laughed at me and scanned me whole from head to foot, letting me finish mid-sentence. “Oh, really? Then can you tell him that you don’t love him?”
“Nallie…” Tim’s voice was threatening, but Nallie would just easily ignore that.
As expected, Tim looked at me with his eyes sparkling with apologies. 
I went silent. From Nallie’s perspective, it’s wrong.
“See? I’m right! You do love him that you can’t say it! Did you see that, Tim? Your long-time best friend is a liar!”
“Nallie!” I could see how his voice became so cold it ran down my spine. It was not just a warning or a threat anymore.
With my trembling lips, I looked down and averted his gaze. I don’t know how many times he called her name but never mine. But what else can I do?
“What?” She irritatedly asked and looked at him with accusations.
“I told you to stop!”
His voice was strong and he was livid. Tim looked at Nallie before he searched for my gaze and it was as if he was asking me. I don’t know how I come up with that, but I am hoping of how to be protected by someone who is precious to me. That somehow, I was wishing for him to be angry because of me, for my sake.
I hope it's not a wishful thinking.
When I could feel that my body was close to collapsing, I prayed silently to all the heavens and asked for more bravery to end this.
As I realized that Nallie would not let this all pass so quickly, I decided on my own to leave.
The moment that I moved my head up, it was his face who came across me.
There was something in his eyes, but I don’t know if it was for me. And, maybe, I was expecting more from it, but does it all ends here? Was he expecting what I was telling the crowd? Am I ready to deny my feelings for his sake?
I garnered all the strength that was left in me before I filled my lungs with air and calmly spoke, avoiding my best friend’s gaze.
“N-No, I don’t.”
“Oh, you don’t, huh?” She did not believe me after all. How could I convince someone who already had the decision not to be convinced by anyone, especially me?
I continued. “So, whatever that’s making you feel upset, it can be settled—”
Nallie faced me with eagerness and shut me up. “Settled? How can I be so fine when I always see you with him flirting?” Her eyes went on a bulge.
“I’m not flirting with him!” I reiterated. 
“We’re not flirting!”
“If not, and if it’s true, then could you please leave and stay away from him from now on?”
My head turned to him, and I heard what he said.
Tim immediately went on guard and came closer. “Nallie, stop it. That’s enough! Don’t let her get involved in this mess!”
Perhaps, it was uncalled for to be this way.
If I will do that, will they be happy?
“I-Is that all?” That was so brave of me to answer without breaking eye contact with her.
Nallie looked like she was taken aback. Maybe she was expecting me to defend myself or cry over my defeat, as I was willing to give up my friendship for him. An answer like this would not have been included in her script.
A moment of silence fell upon them through the atmosphere. And I don’t know if it was just me but, I saw how Tim’s face fell unbelievably upon hearing my reply.
The rage on Nallie’s face slowly went away. She mindlessly walked towards him, and her voice suddenly became soft.
“Really? Will you do that?”
I shooked my head weakly.
“Nallie, stop making a scene. Let’s talk it out somewhere….” It was Tim who suddenly became agitated, “and please, Besh, don’t be like this.”
Her eyes went wide open. “C-Can you say that again?” She excitedly asked, forgetting how a lioness she was like earlier.
“Yeah.”
“No way!”
All I could hear was his voice full of doubts and roughness.
My hopeless gaze could not follow what happened that minute. The next thing I knew, I saw my best friend pulled her away from the crowd, leaving me behind, with nothing but tears that could almost fell any second and an aching heart.
Walking away with nowhere to go, I wiped my cheeks and left.
I guess it’s for the best….
****
“TALLULAH EUPHRASIA BALAGUER, what do you think you’re doing?”
Ianna Melendrez seemed like she would love to kill me right now as I asked the bartender for another drink. Her eyes were furry while she put her hands on her waist, looking like a mother scolding her child.
She looked so glamorous with her knee-length satin red dress, though, sexily revealing her cleavage with a nice pair of breasts. It was so different from her usual off-shoulder top, ripped jeans, and sneakers combo. No wonder some of the guys here were looking at her like prey. With that hourglass body, paired with 3-inches gladiator sandals, Ianna is a beauty of her own.
“Hey, mister. One more please,” I leaned forward, a little bit closer to the bar counter so that he should be able to hear me out, and I don’t know if my above-the-knee skirt hitched up as I tried to stand on the barstool. Thanks to the heavens that I didn’t trip on my 6-inches high-heeled black stiletto sandals.
“Consider it done, ma’am.” The guy across the bar counter said as he winked at me.
I just giggled for a reply.
I smelled the glass on the lid before drinking it all up — bottom’s up. I winced at the bitter taste of tequila as it ran down my throat, heating my stomach in the process.
A smile of satisfaction crossed my face. Ah, I’ve never felt drinking in a bar could be this so damn good. 
I even closed my eyes to feel the sensation. And then, when I opened it, my head turned to Ianna, who was unbelievably shaking her head in disbelief.
I inquired curiously. “What?” I asked for another glass, to which the bartender happily obliged.
If he’s flirting with me or not, well, the sad side of me would not care at all. Why I’m here was to drink my heart out and be a mess.
Yes, because I feel like a mess, and I indeed pity myself for looking so pathetic I want to get swallowed up by the ground.
Ianna tsked. “I never thought you’d be this…” she looked at me incredibly.
“Hmmm?” I hummed with my half-hooded eyes and bit the slice of lemon. I guess this is what they call tipsy? Or perhaps this is me getting drunk?
She sighed, containing her thoughts to herself. “Well, never mind.” She herself started drinking on her own moderately, afraid that she would make me feel so upset over what happened to me.
“This wasted?” I drawled as I finished her sentence for her.
I could feel my cheeks burning, my surroundings swaying up on their own. It was hard to see who you were with because of the blinking lights everywhere, not to mention that the crowd was way wilder than I could ever imagine.
Oh, boy! Life was never this fantastic. I have just realized that I’ve been missing a lot of adventures of my youthful days.
I should come here more often.
“Oh, come on, Ianna. Don’t be such a drag. Let’s have some fun!”
I certainly don’t know where we got, but as soon as Ianna heard what happened, my eyes suddenly bursted out of tears because I tried to hold it all in. 
As I went back to my art class earlier this day, I couldn’t have almost finished my work if it wasn’t for my professor, who felt so guilty of letting me attend his class while I cried indifferently in front of them. Yes, it flowed like a river, so carefree and heavy. I stared at my canvass as the tears came rushing out, making my classmates divert their attention to me. They couldn’t help but pity this lonely girl in their block. They all wondered what happened as I tried to finish my designs, but it was also the whole class who decided and convinced my professor to spare me for now. Well, they could not get anything out of me, and Ianna had an idea but avoided the topic to be a discussion, so they all ended up pitying me. That made my professor give me a special day treatment.
I couldn’t blame them enough. That was why I was able to submit my work even if it was a bit late within the day.
After that, Ianna did not let me out of her sight. She was there. Ianna was all that I’ve got from there throughout. She was carefully listening even without her presence physically. The funny thing was, she was about to yell at me as soon as she saw me entering the room, but made an abrupt stop when she looked at me full of tears and sorrow. Had I not turned on that call, no one else would have been willing to be with me now.
I was never this dramatic and felt so alone. But fuck! I’m not too fond of this kind of feeling of not being wanted and got no one else to turn to.
Cursing myself is my new habit these days. All the things around me became questionable. But it was me who decided everything, right? So, I shouldn’t be like this, acting like a bitch, and just stand in my disposition.
Ianna knew the whole story. When I dragged her here, she didn’t complain and just followed me. I truly feel her love. But I wouldn’t tell her that, though.
She will just tease me if I do that.
And I didn’t know what came to my mind, but I suddenly asked my friend to go out. I never told her where. We just went on buying some clothes, put on some light make-ups and voila!  Here we are, enjoying our lives like it is our last day on Earth.
Most of the music on air was familiar and modern. It was so loud I needed to get near Ianna to hear her.
Well, we were sitting side to side, both on a barstool, and I couldn’t stop myself from thinking what I should do next.
But Ianna was just clearly watching me. I was thankful that she did not ask me questions when all I did was drink continuously. 
A long silence was dread upon us, and we were just making ourselves busy when she chose to break it; that made me surprised a bit.
“Always know that I’m here. If you want to talk about it, that’s fine with me. Not that I don’t know what happened, but I want to know what you feel about it. Sometimes, there are just some things that whatever we want does not usually happen. And worse, not all the things or people that we want will want us back.” She smiled sweetly and reached out for my hand, and softly caressed it for assurance.
I stilled. My mind suddenly went blank. It seemed like everything that drained me suddenly went back and was put on my back again.
It felt so heavy that I, myself, could not carry it at all.
And then, all of a sudden, I spoke. “Why is it always like this? Why am I always getting hurt? Don’t I deserve joy?”
I spin the glass slowly as the drink move inside the glass in a circular motion.
Ianna breathed out and met my gaze. “You deserve it, Eullah. Of course, we all are. But, sometimes, it is you who makes your situation worse. Not that I’m blaming you. You, being friends with him, considering that you’re harboring feelings for him for such a long time, is quite risky on your part. And it looked what happened to you guys.”
“Is it wrong?” I replied so dryly and low, and I could not even hear my voice now.
The dance floor looked inviting, and many of the tables and VIP rooms were quickly fully booked and occupied.
Ianna stopped to think. “I don’t know. But is there anything wrong when all you do is love him with all you’ve got even though he doesn’t love you back? I don’t think there’s other genuine love than yours, asking for no return on your part.” She amusedly exclaimed, “And, is there something wrong about love? It’s us who’s usually the problem, not the love we feel for people.”
Wherever she gets that, I don’t have any idea. It was my first time hearing her say something like that. And somehow, deep within me, I felt comforted.
“And besides, what’s there not to love about you?” She chuckled. “Ultimus should probably know that. He should know you too well. And he should have protected you over Nallie.”
For a bit, the composed Ianna suddenly went out of her calm.
“That motherfucker did not even ask you if you’re okay or not. Don’t he ever cross my face because I swear, I’m going to kick his balls so strong he could not walk anymore!”
I heaved a deep sigh. “Let’s say that I’m still choosing Tim even if he would never ever choose me. And I am not regretting my decision…” …unless there comes the point in time that I would give up on him so badly.
But if what scares me would happen in the future, I swear it is too much for me to handle things on my own feet, and giving up on our friendship would be the last straw.
I smiled. I tried my best to force myself to lift my lips and curved them like I wanted to show my friend. But it was so hard for me that it became a weak smile that never reached my eyes.
Ianna pinched my cheeks suddenly, quite irritated seeing my face. “Don’t smile when you don’t feel like it. I’ve seen you be a mess, so faking a smile is not necessary.”
With what she said, I could almost cry again. This woman and her words make me feel relieved.
“Hey,” I jokingly slapped her arm lightly, “don’t say something like that. It feels like I’m with a different Ianna Faye. I think you’re seriously drunk!”
“Wow,” she sarcastically looked at me, shaking her head in such dismay, “it’s for real, you ungrateful friend. And, no way in hell would I be drunk. It’s not my fucking first time, you drunkard!”
I laughed at her remarks. That made her joined me. We absolutely looked like fools, laughing so crazily with just the two of us. Who says night could not be better with just two?
Tonight, I would get wasted. I stretched my arm and fixed my black spaghetti strap top and black leather skirt with another glass on my hand.
I massaged my temple a bit and adequately balanced my weight on my feet. As I got up, I turned to Ianna.
Grinning like a devil, I shouted at her when the volume went higher than before, “let’s enjoy the night out?!”
Ianna was quick enough to back me up this instant. “Oh, hell yeah! Fuck, Ultimus! Let’s have some fun!”
With that, we were both chuckling as we got to the dance floor, forgetting how we would be going home and just vibe with the alive music popped on. Resorting to this sort of idea was not bad after all.
Let’s forget about tomorrow, Eullah!