“Why is it so hard for me to push you away?”
—Eullah
“I REPEAT YOUR order, ma’am. One cappuccino, two slices of blueberry cheesecakes, and one strawberry parfait. Is that all, ma’am? Any additional orders? “
A middle-aged woman wearing a flowery printed dress smiled and said, “That’s all, miss. How much?”
“Your bill would be three hundred and forty-five pesos, ma’am.”
I saw the first customer in line opening her phone wallet inside her shoulder bag. She handed me a paper bill afterward.
I got her money and said, “I received a five hundred peso bill. And your change is one hundred and fifty-five pesos. Here’s your receipt and priority card number, ma’am.”
“Thank you.”
“Kindly wait for your turn to be called a few minutes from now. Thank you, and come again.”
I said with a smile and waited for my co-workers to follow up the orders.
If you are wondering where I am now, I work as a cashier in a cafe near the campus.
Like I’ve said before, I had some jobs to support my academic needs. Aside from the fact that I am living alone, I tried my best to work because I wanted to help my family in the province. It’s not just for me, but for them, too.
It’s hard to live by without them, but what can I do. Right?
I totally got used to those things that I could not do, like seeing them regularly. Or simply,  just to eat with them at one table.
Sometimes, I wondered if being alone would be to my advantage. No one can see you if you’re not alright. But the warmth and tenderness of having a family with you when you are feeling down is something that I want to feel right now. 
At least, you have them by your side when the world seems to fall apart.
I guess that was what I am missing. I was far away, trying to live my life the way I wanted it but, there were times when I could not do it by myself.
There were instances that I wished they were here with me. That may be, I could talk to them freely about how I feel and what my thoughts are. But the most important thing is that they are here when I could not do something out of my league.
Talking about family would always bring me to tears. But what I realized was that I was hoping they were here with me when I was not okay.
How I wished I could talk to them. How I wished my family could comfort me. I hoped they could see me and help me ease the pain that I am feeling right now. How I wished they could tell me what to do right…
I absently looked at the door and stared at it blankly.
Heaving a sigh, I looked my eyes around.
I saw how people filled the cozy cafe. One by one, people arrived here to loosen up and have a comfortable place to be with their companions. Some were having a casual talk with their friends in a nearby company building, and the others were students from the school I am attending.
It was way past the afternoon, and it was this time around that the customers were frequently visiting this place in the corner.
I still have a few hours left before the end of my duty, but it felt like the hours were years that it was hard for me to pretend that I was okay.
I found my class so dull and my work a little bit tiring today.
Every time I served our customers and gave them their receipts, I always gave a smile. But somehow, deep inside me, it was fake. A smile that could not even reach my eyes. I knew for sure that there was something wrong. That in reality, there was something that was bothering me.
I still remember how I walked out of the house that day. If I was confused, or shocked, or pathetically unstable during that time, I don’t know anymore.
I found it hard to believe how Tim reached me. But well, I could not care less. But that’s what I thought.
It was already a week that had passed since then, but my mind wasn’t at peace.
I know for sure that I was the one who decided to do what I did. I came up to the conclusion that staying away from Tim was the best option. But how could I manage to be fine?
Knowing that I ran away from him, but why am I feeling so miserable right now?
A week had passed, and from then on, I got no news from Tim. Not that I reached out for him but, I was wondering if he was just alright.
But who would be okay if someone would leave you like the way I left him?
Definitely, no one.
“Eullah? Eullah?”
Someone nudged me on my left shoulder, and that busted me from my own bubble of thoughts. I roamed my head around and saw my friend and co-employee pointing out something I didn’t know.
“Oh, sorry. What is it?” I asked absentmindedly as our barista, Jennie, who had shoulder-length straight hair and wearing the same black collar shirt, came beside me and motioned the long line of customers in front of me.
That was when I realized that our customers were waiting for me to accommodate them.
I cursed under my breath as I composed myself again and tried my best to concentrate on my work.
Pursing my lips together, Jennie looked at me with worries in her eyes. I mouthed that I was okay. But who else am I kidding here?
I shrugged that thought and continued my work.
Hold yourself, Eullah! You’re here to work. Stop thinking unnecessary things.
I told myself and focused. I should thank my friends here who did not bother to make me stop even if they saw me make many mistakes. I could not afford to lose this job, so I needed to do what I must do. Thinking that I would make the team lose their own concentration, I let myself have a break after finishing the last set of customers.
And then Tina, another cashier of this cafe, came to me and said, “you’re not feeling well? You seemed off. Want to replace you just this time?”
I looked up and let out a frustrated breath. “Thanks for having my back but, is it okay with you? I can still do—”
James, one of the waiters, cut me off. “—You’re not alright, Eullah. We have been observing you this past few days, and you’re not currently yourself. Something’s bothering you.” He was also wearing the same uniform and a hairnet plus a black apron wrapped around his waist. Like the others, he was also worried about me.
Even if I was trying to be just fine, the uneasiness I felt inside was wearing me out, making me look frail and disturbed.
“Yeah, I can tell,” said Jennie, who was busy cleaning the countertop and everything around her workplace.
I backed down, and James carefully let me sit on an extra stool. He is the gentleman type who would always show you that chivalry is not still dead yet.
“Sorry,” I sincerely apologized and bowed down.
“No, sweety. It’s okay. We can always let you rest. Why don’t you stop for a while?” Tina said, the understanding laced on her tone.
“Yes, breathe some air, you know.”
I waved my hand, refusing all that. I don’t want to leave my post. “I need to do this and, I don’t want to bother you.”
“Is it alright with you?”
“You can talk to us, dear. We are family.”
“Are you okay?”
I nodded and answered, “I-I am just distracted. But I’ll do just fine. Sorry to worry you, guys.”
I even showed them all the smiles I could muster at that time, but they stopped me from doing that. My co-staffs would not like to believe me. Maybe, I even made them worry that much.
The crowd started to have their food and drinks served. So, I stood up.
“I can still do this, okay?”
Their faces told me that they did not believe me. Tina was on the move to punch some orders, but I refused and smiled at her.
Walking back to the staff’s room, I fixed myself and exhaled sharply. I should be brave. I can do this much. I was the one who initiated it first. I must do my part and fulfill it.
I looked at my reflection in front of the mirror. 
That girl was bold, but it was so painful she could not help but wonder how she could get through a day thinking that her friend was slipping on her hands.
My team unbelievably shook their heads at me. I understood that they were worried about me, but I also needed to divert my thoughts about my best friend. No matter how much I wanted to ignore it, I could not help but be more pulled to it.
James and the rest of the team were still not letting me do my work here. Still, as soon as I heard the wind chimes hung on the cafe door, a sign that someone opened and came in, I assured myself that I needed to be cheerful because no customer deserves a petty, inefficient, and low-quality service.
With a broad smile plastered on my face, my eyes could not help but grow more prominent, and I started to feel my cold feet as soon as the new customer faced me with no emotions in his eyes.
“Welcome to Coffee boards and brews! May I take your order?”