Everything that has an advantage, also has a disadvantage, that was the saying that I learnt from my father, he usually says that to me and any decision I make, I usually have this particular saying in mind because it always leads me right. before I decide to do anything, I usually check out what the advantage could be and also what the disadvantage could bring, sometimes, I usually end up not doing what I want because of what the disadvantage could bring but my last decision which I made today never turned out the way I wanted it to, it ended up getting me injured with bruises all over my body, all because of what I have said to Steve, I don't even know the reason why he took that to heart because he has been making such comments to me ever since he got into our lives, me and Deborah.
knock! knock!! knock!!!, I knocked on the door so that my mum could open the door for me, I was wearing a pullover and covered my head with its Hood so that my mum wouldn't see the bruises on my body and face, I knocked on the door again so that she could come and open it, I also waited for some few seconds again and was about to hit the door the third time but she opened the door before I could hit it, I faced the floor as my head bowed down so she couldn't see my face, I greeted her and passed through the door, " Bernard, is everything all right, you seem like you ran into a pole or something ", I don't even know how my mum always comes to know the change in my emotions sometimes, because she always knows everything right without me knowing how she always did it, it seems like she knew me front and back and up to down because I can hardly hide things from her, she always knows everything before I even make any move. *** yes mum, I ran into a pole ***, I left her at the door and headed inside to my room. " is Deborah coming ", she asked, I heard her question but decided to snub it as if I never had what she just said, I open my room about to head in through the door and noticed that my mum was following behind me. *** what is it mum ***, I asked her with a bit of anger and sadness in my voice, my mum has always wanted to be there for me since my dad passed away, she has always wanted to replace whatever my Dad left behind, even trying to replace his presence.
I know that she finds it hard whenever I don't want to reveal anything to her, I really understand her feelings yet I don't know why I still continue to make things hard for her even though she is trying her best to make me better. the reason for me being uncomfortable is because of the fight I am having for Deborah, I know that she took me as just a friend but I don't want to be just a friend, I want to be more than a friend, I don't know if I am asking too much but if I am then I have no excuse for it because I want that too much when it comes to Deborah. " please tell me Ben, is everything alright, you know that I'm always going to be here for you, just make things easy for me to understand, you know that you are the only one I have right now", she said with her voice turning teary in the ear, her pains brought tears to my eyes and I know that the only way to console her right now is to give her all my attention but there always comes a time when you have to please others and displease yourself, if I give her my attention right now, her pains will stop for this period of time but with my condition right now, I don't think I have to give her that attention, I just want to stay alone right now.
I feel like I am losing the fight, not just one fight but two fights the same time, I am gently losing my mother and also Deborah. both of them are all I got but now that one of them is leaving me behind, instead of me holding on with the remaining one, I left the remaining one and continue to chase after the one that left me behind, making me to have none of them right now. I know that this is foolish but there is also something behind that foolishness, my happiness, Deborah is my happiness, whenever she comes into my mind I always end up with a smile on my face but for a long while now, I don't think I have seen the smile I have been searching for as well as my mum, she might have not also seen the smile she is also been searching for all because of me going after my happiness.
I took a deep breath trying to relax my mind on everything right now, I turned around facing my mum. *** mum there is nothing wrong and Deborah is not coming today ***, I turned back to the door as I went inside locking the door behind me, despite my explanation right now I know that she is definitely going to break down again because of the way I am acting toward her, what I am doing to her is not ok with me and I am not happy about it yet with Deborah far away from me I don't think I can be able to come back to my mum empty-handed. I just wish that Deborah knows how much she meant to me but my wish seems to be far away from coming true, I threw my bag to the floor as I jumped in on my bed with my face facing down the bed sheet. I stretched my hand back with my body still lying on top of the bed as I forced my length to remove the shoes I was wearing, I stretched myself to maximum as I removed my left shoe then went for the right one before I had a knock on the entrance of our door downstairs, I know that knock and the way it sounded, I think it's Deborah, what is she even doing here, it was the last thing on my mind to see Deborah at my house today after everything that happened, I waited again to hear the knock, instead I heard the door open and her greetings to my mother, I can hear her conversation with my mother clearly from here, " good afternoon ma'am, is Ben home ", I waited to hear the reply of my mother but I heard none instead I heard another word from Deborah, "is everything alright mum", she asked her, I can now hear the sobbing of my mother, she was in tears, oh my god what have I done, why am I always putting this woman in agony while she keeps doing her best just to see me prosper and successful, I don't have to wait around back here and listen to my mother sobb, I opened my door and run downstairs. *** what is it again mum, why are you crying, I told you that everything was okay why do you continue to put yourself in misery ***, as I was asking her these questions, she was just looking at me and seems to be taken aback by what she is seeing, why is she looking at me this way as if she saw something strange or what, " Oh Ben, I am really sorry, does it hurt too much ", Deborah spoke like she was apologizing about something she did.
Oh my god, now I remember what my mum is looking at, the bruises on my face, fresh tears are now coming down from her eyes, *** not again mum, please it's nothing ***, I tried to explain to her but right now I don't think that she is planning to stand around listening to my explanation. " how can you tell me that it is nothing, see the scars on your face, who did this to you Ben, please tell me Bernard, who did this to you ", my mum spoke as her tears continue to fall down the floor, she was in pain right now watching the bruises on her son's body, she came to me holding my body looking at the bruises over and over again, " Deborah please tell me, who did this to my son ", my mum asked her, Deborah looked around confused before answering, " I'm sorry mum, it was an accident in the school ", Deborah replied but I don't think that my mum was going to buy that, " did he fought with someone, tell me Deborah, did he ", my mum asked again but this time Deborah kept her face down on the floor not knowing what to reply to my mum, *** yes mum, I got into a fight but it is nothing, everything is ok now ***, my mother gently went to the nearby seat and sit down with her hand on her head as if she was in thought about how to solve a particular problem, I don't know what to do, I just went to her and hugged her through the back *** I am sorry mum, it was just a misunderstanding, I am never getting into a fight again, I promise ***, I said to her as she turned around a little bit looking at my face then used her free hand and squeezed my hand a bit showing that it is ok.