Isa isa kong ibinalik sa kahon lahat ng mga bagay na nakalagay dito. Pinapanuod niya lang akong gawin iyon. Hindi siya nagsasalita.
Nang maisara ko yung kahon na kanina pa nakapatong sa mga binti ko. Pinatong ko doon yung mga kamay ko at diretsong tumingin sa lawa. Naramdaman kong ganun din ang ginawa niya.
Tahimik lang naming pinagmamasdan ang kabuohan ng payapang lawa. Unti unti na ring nagbabago ang kulay ng kalangitan dahil ilang minuto na lang sunset na.
Huminga ako ng malalim at magsasalita na sana ulit ngunit naunahan niya ako.
“This bench really knows a lot of secret huh.” He scoffed. Napatingin ako sa kanya. Mukhang napansin niya naman sa mukha ko na magtatanog ako kaya inunahan niya na ako.
“Di ba I told you earlier that I don’t want this bench gone because this holds a lot of secrets. Well, Dito ako tumatakbo tuwing may gusto akong sabihin tungkol sayo pero hindi ko masabi sa iba. Itong bench na to ang naging saksi kung paano unti unting nadevelop ang feelings ko sayo.” Tumingin siya sa bench na inuupuan namin at bahagya itong hinimas.
“Dito ko nilalabas lahat ng hinanakit ko. So, kung tao tong bench na to, siguro siya ang unang nakarealize na mahal kita. Tapos ngayon, siya pa ang saksi sa lahat ng ito.” He laughed softly.
Napailing na lang ako sa sinabi niya. Natahimik kami ulit. Binalik niya na yung tingin niya sa lawa kaya nagsalita na ako.
"Thank you." simpleng sabi ko. He shifted his gaze towards me kaya ngumiti ako sa kanya.
He's looking at me confused. I smile widely at him.
"Thank you because today I learned that it wasn't a one-sided love. Maraming salamat sa pagmamahal, hindi lang bilang isang kaibigan kundi bilang ako.” I smiled at him.
“But I think now Ethan, it's time for us to love ourselves first. I am so happy and grateful knowing na mahal mo ko. Not just as a friend, but also romantically. Pero habang magkausap tayo kanina, listening to each other’s stories, I realized that we love each other too much to the point that we neglected ourselves. Ako, I know, I’m still not okay. Nasabi ko man lahat ng nararamdan ko para sayo. We may clear everything here, but I know, and I feel that I still have excess baggage here in my heart. Hindi na ito tungkol sa iyo kung hindi sa sarili ko na.” I said.
“I still have a long way to go Ethan, nag uumpisa pa lang ako eh. I know this is a selfish move kasi masasaktan nanaman kita but this is what I need. Parang all my life nakadepende yung happiness ko sa mga tao sa paligid ko and then, when all of them are gone, bagsak ako. Ayoko na ng ganun. I want to experience genuine happiness with myself.” I said. Sincerely.
“Maaring mahal natin at mapapasaya natin ang isa't isa, pero kung pipiliin nating magpatuloy ngayon siguradong magkakasakitan tayo sa dulo. We both love each other but we don’t love ourselves. I don’t love myself. I’m still broken Ethan and I don’t trust myself that much. Panigurado ibibigay ko lang lahat sayo.
Magiging dependent ako, Iikot ang mundo ko sayo, magiging needy ako and that will be toxic.” I sighed.
“I wanted to learn how to love myself first, to embrace and appreciate all my flaws, to turn my insecurities into strength. To be dependent on me. I want to learn how to depend on my own happiness. I wanted to have a positive outlook in life, and I wanted to forgive myself before I gave my love again. I want to be whole again.” I said.
“Ethan, I also want you to love and value yourself more. You did great. You make us all proud. I am so proud of you for achieving a lot, for reaching your dreams. But are you really happy?” I asked.
He just looked at me. Tila nag iisip ng isasagot sa akin.
“I’m happy right now because I get to talk to you.” He answered.
“When was the last time you made yourself happy?” I asked again. He thinks again.
“I don’t remember. Basta masaya ako kapag nakikita kong masaya kayo.” Sagot niya.
“Pero paano naman ikaw? Bukod sa amin ano pang nagpapasaya sayo?” tanong ko.
“I love traveling. Take pictures of different places and then, I’ll draw it.” He said that while smiling.
“Do you get to do that?” I asked again. He turned his face down.
“See, you dream to be a doctor and yes, you love your job. But you are so dedicated to it that you forgot to enjoy yourself. Nakakalimutan mong magpahinga. Ethan, you’re a human. Hindi masamang mapagod at magpahinga. Wag mong lunurin ang sarili mo sa pagtatrabaho.” I said.
“I’m just so afraid that I’ll disappoint you and all of the people around me.” Mahinang sagot niya.
“Ethan, you’ve already proven so much to us. What we wanted to see is you, enjoying your life. Loving yourself. Remember, we are always proud of you. You’ve done so much for other people now it’s time to reclaim yourself. To know yourself more.” I said.
Tumango tango naman siya.
"Tama, we should heal first, we should know ourselves first." nakangiti ring sagot niya sa akin.
“I’m sorry Ethan, masasaktan nanaman kita. Iiwan nanaman kita.” I sadly smiled at him.
“Don’t be. I understand it now. Gusto ko sanang bumawi sayo at samahan ka habang nagheheal but I realized I need that also. We both need it. Hindi kita matutulungan kung ako din mismo hindi pa ganun ka kilala ang sarili. We both need to heal Chandra, ang tagal nating nasaktan pareho. Kung ang paglayo sa isa’t isa ang makakatulong sa atin. I understand.” He smiled at me. Yung ngiti na para bang inassure niya akong okay siya, na tanggap niya kung ano man ang desisyon ko.
"We don't know what future holds for us, but one thing's for sure, after all of this and whatever happens we can still be friends. Masaya na akong malaman na minahal mo rin ako. Thank you for teaching me how to love, it may not be an ideal one but for me, it’s beautiful. Thank you for taking care of me, for protecting me, and for making my childhood a memorable one. You'll forever have a special place in my heart. My best friend, my soulmate, and my first love." I said while smiling widely. Ang gaan na ng pakiramdam ko.
"Thank you, Chandra, for all your efforts, thank you for being you, for being my friend, thank you because you chose to keep going, and for accepting and loving me wholeheartedly. Having you in my life is one of the best things that happened to me and I’ll be forever grateful to God for giving me a chance not just to know you but to love you and take care of you. We don't know what will happen in the future, but one thing is for sure, you'll forever be part of my life. My best friend, My great love" naluluha pero nakangiting sabi ni Ethan sa akin.
Nilagay ko na yung box ulit sa itim na paper bag at tumayo na ko. Humarap ako kay Ethan na ngayon ay nakatayo na rin.
"This time focus on yourself okay?" nakangiting sabi ko sa kanya.
"I'll pray for you. That you fully heal from the things that caging you to move forward. That you love yourself more than you love others. I wish you genuine happiness, Chandra." He sincerely said.
Nakangiti ko siyang niyakap. Nung una naramdaman ko na natigilan siya ngunit hindi nagtagal naramdaman ko ang mahigpit na balik niyang yakap.
"Thank you for everything, take care, Ethan. Do what makes you happy. " I whispered in his ear. I was about to let go but his hug became tighter.
“Give me more minutes, please.” Malumanay na bulong niya sa akin. Mas hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa akin na para bang sinusulit ang mga bawat minutong nasa bisig niya ako.
After a few minutes, naramdaman ko ang unti unting pagluwag ng mga braso niya sa pagkakayakap sa akin. He pulled himself up from the hug, then looked at me straight in the eyes. His hands are both holding my shoulders.
He’s looking at me intently na para bang kinakabisa ang bawat korte ng mukha ko. Ganun din ang ginawa ko.
I don’t know what will happen in the future. So, I’ll seize this moment. This could be the last time na pwede ko siyang tingnan ng ganito kalapit.
Habang nakatingin kami sa isa’t isa. Mariin siyang napapikit. Nang magmulat siya bakas ang kalungkutan sa kanyang mga mata.
“Ang hirap naman nito, gusto kong ilaban, pero ayokong maging selfish. Gusto kong sabihin sayo na maghihintay ako pero ayokong magsalita ng tapos, dahil walang nakakaalam ng mangyayari sa hinaharap. Gusto kong makiusap na kahit communication lang. Kahit pagkakaibigan lang, pero alam kong hindi makakatulong yun. Gusto ko mang kumapit pero ang hirap namang ipilit, baka kasi sa ngayon hindi pa to para sa atin.” He said.
I smiled at him and nodded. “Let’s just focus on ourselves first,” I said. Tumango naman siya. I know this is so selfish, I hate seeing him hurt but I wanted to choose myself this time, for real.
I shifted my body toward the lake kaya nabitawan niya ang mga braso ko. Habang pinagmasdan ang dahang dahang paglubog ng araw. Agad na pumasok sa isip ko na, tapos na. Ethan and I cleared everything. I already got my answers. Hindi ko alam kung anong naghihintay sa akin o sa amin sa mga susunod na panahon.
Pero masaya ako na nasabi ko na sa kanya ang lahat.
My love for Ethan taught me a lot of things, it gave me strength, but also a realization that loving him and being loved by him isn't enough to complete myself. While loving Ethan I realize that I shouldn't make a person my world. That I can love them equally as I love myself. Wala namang masamang magbigay ng magbigay but make sure na may natitira pa din para sa sarili.
The love I have for Ethan also taught me how to accept even the negative things, especially, the rejections. While loving him, I learned that not all the people that I love should love me back the way I wanted it to be.
People can give and show me different kinds of love, but I shouldn't push myself to them, more so force them, to love me back. I learn how to respect their decision and move on. I don’t have to cage myself from the love for one person and learn to accept and move forward if they said no., I must value myself more.
Because I realized that no one deserves a love that’s been forced and out of pity. We all deserve to be loved unconditionally.
Nang hapon na iyon, sa harap ng payapang lawa, kasabay ng pagkumpas ng hangin sa mga puno at huni ng mga ibon. Nasagot lahat ng mga katanungang matagal naming kinimkim. Nailabas lahat ng mga tinatagong nararamdaman at sabay na nalinawan.
We both had the strength to let go of all the what if's and should-haves. We learned to embrace what is and chose ourselves over everything.
With a smile on my face, I turned to Ethan. I hugged him once again. Pero bago pa niya masagot ang yakap ko ay humiwalay na ako.
“I’ll go now.” Nakangiting paalam ko kay Ethan.
“Paano ka uuwi?” He said. Umiling ako.
“Andyan si James. He’s waiting for me.” Nakangiting saad ko. Assuring him that I’ll be okay.
“Thank you, Ethan,” I said.
“Until we meet again.” He said while smiling at me brightly. Para bang after naming tumingin sa sunset gumaan na ang pakiramdam namin pareho.
“Until we meet again,” I said.
Mariin pa rin siyang nakatingin sa akin. Nakatayo at nakalagay ang dalawang kamay sa bulsa ng kanyang pantalon.
“Mauna ka na, hindi na kita ihahatid kay James ah, baka magbago ang isip ko at ipagpilitan ang sarili ko eh.” natatawang sabi niya.
Ngumiti ako sa kanya. Kasabay ng tuluyang paglubog ng araw ay ang pagtalikod ko at tuluyang paglakad palayo sa kanya.