“Do you still have nightmares every night?” My therapist asked me during our session.
I’ve been having therapy for over six months now here in Norway. After Tita Stella’s death, my mental health hit rock bottom. I fainted when we were having Tita’s funeral because I was seeing flashes of what happened and how she died right in front of me.
Gabi-gabi'y dinadalaw ako ng mga bangungot at paulit-ulit ang lahat ng iyon. Me, dying in a car crash, in a series of stab wounds, and me murdering Tita Stella cold-bloodedly.
I can’t talk to anyone about what happened without crying and shaking. I lost all my appetite not just for food but for everything else. For my interest, for the company, for my family and even for love.
Tito Steve was in the same state as I was. Palagi siyang naglalasing, nagbabasag ng gamit at palaging si Grandmama ang kumokontrol sa kanya para huminahon.
She’s the only one who stood strong over all of it. Zyan tried talking to me and comforting me but somehow, he suddenly stopped visiting. He must have given up on me. Naisip niya siguro na hindi niya naman niya ako obligasyon kaya bakit niya pahihirapan ang sarili niya?
He already went through a lot because of me and maybe my impaired sanity was the last straw. Kaya ayaw na niya syempre. I understand everything and I don’t blame him. Wala rin ako sa posisyon ng mga panahong iyon para magmahal.
I guess our love went down the drain after that.
A week later, Grandmama, Tito Steve and I flew to Norway where the best mental health care is. We both had therapy and we slowly coped over our lost.
“Not as much as I used to anymore.” I answered my therapist honestly.
She smiled gently at me, “That’s great. That’s real progress, Saffirah. Now, you have to remind yourself and accept that it isn’t your fault. Hindi mo kasalanan ang nangyari. You were a victim. You didn’t lead anyone to death. What happened was something you have completely no control of. “
I nodded. The first time she told me that, I screamed at her to stop talking and I wouldn’t listen to her. Pero unti-unti kong natanggap na tama siya. It wasn’t my fault. Ang dahilan ng paulit-ulit na bangungot ko na binaril ko si Tita Stella ay ang guilt ko. Because I blamed myself for it.
Three months later, we went back to the Philippines and for the first time, I felt ready to face Melynda and most of all, my cousin, Blaire. Melynda was of course serving lifetime imprisonment in jail for all the crimes she did.
Blaire on the other hand was serving a lesser sentence because it was proven that she was threatened and manipulated by Melynda to do everything that she did to me. But for what she did to her mom, she was able to get away with it in the grounds of insanity.
I haven’t seen her for nine months and I have no idea whether her insanity is real or not but I heard from Grandmama that Blaire is admitted in a mental institution.
So, the first thing I did when I went back home is find closure to finally be able to put everything behind.
I thought it was going to be less hard than I expected but it was actually worst. Seeing Melynda again made me want to throw up and wrenched in disgust and revulsion especially when she’s not showing any remorse at all.
She smirked crazily when she saw me. “Kamusta si Steve? Pakitanong naman sa kanya kung anong pakiramdam na anak niya mismo ang pumatay sa asawa niya?” She laughed like she totally lost her mind.
“Iniwan niya ako at namatay ang anak ko. So, how does it feel? How does it feel to have her own daughter destroy her family?” She continued.
I realized that she will probably never regret what she did to us. Ang galit niya at pagkamuhi sa pamilya namin mas malalim pa sa karagatan.
“You deserve to rot in here for the rest of your life, Melynda. How does that feel?”
Humalakhak siya na parang demonyo.“Akala mo nanalo ka dahil nakakulong na ako? Look around you, Saffirah. Stella is dead. Blaire is in jail for killing her own mom. Your Tito is alive but he’s surely living like a lifeless person. Your Grandmama is old and probably going to die soon due to stress with everything. At ikaw? Hindi ba’t nandito ka para kumbinsihin ang sarili mo na maibabalik sa ayos ang lahat? So, if you think for a second you won against me, think again. Because you lost. Big time.”
Can I just kill her? Can I just bloodily murder this woman? Nandidilim ang paningin ko at kung may dala lang akong kahit anong makakapatay sa kanya’y alam kong nakahandusay na siya ngayon.
I would do it in a snap and not regret it at all. She doesn’t deserve to be alive. Kulang pa ang parusang pagkasunog ng kaluluwa niya sa impyerno para pagbayaran lahat ng kasalanan niya. Gusto ko siyang patayin ng paulit-ulit. Nanginginig ang nakakuyom kong kamao habang tinititigan ang mukha niyang walang bahid kahit konting guilt.
It was a wrong decision to come here.
“You’ll regret ever opening your mouth, Melynda. I will make sure of that.” That’s all I said and I left her. I wanted to see Blaire but I already felt too exhausted after talking with that cruel and merciless criminal.
Kinabukasan laman ng balita ang pagkakasunog ng bibig ng isang babaeng prisoner matapos itong buhusan ng muriatic acid ng kasama nito habang natutulog. The said prisoner opened Melynda’s mouth while she was asleep and poured just enough muriatic to melt her tongue.
She didn’t die, regrettably. Pero ngayon ay hinding-hindi na siya makakapagsalita. Saffirah knew exactly who did that. It’s none other than herself. At hindi siya nagsisisi kahit kunti. She deserves way more than that.
I could have her murdered in a blink of an eye inside jail but I won’t give her an easy way out. She’s going to rot in there with a burnt tongue. The same tongue she used to ruin my family by poisoning Blaire’s mind.
My heart breaks into a million pieces. My bones getting cracked in every joint possible. No, that’s not enough to describe how I felt when I saw Blaire on a video monitor.
Tumatawa siya ng malakas habang ang mga luha niya’y umaagos ng walang tigil sa kanyang pisngi. Magulo ang kanyang buhok at ang soot niyang kulay puti ay nababahiran na ng dumi.
Gumulong siya sa sahig at tumawa ulit. Ang buong kwarto niya ay napapalibutan ng makapal na kutson kahit ang dingding. Ang sabi ng tagabantay niya ay kinailangan daw gawin iyon. Tinanggal ang kama niya at pinalitan ng kutson na sa sahig nalang inalagay dahil sinasadya raw na paulit-ulit siyang gumugulong at nagpapahulog sa kama niya.
The walls on her room were covered with thick foam after she tried hitting her head against it several times. They tied her up in bed at first but Grandmama suggested they should do this instead. Pero tinatalian siya kapag pinapakain para mapigilan siya kung sakaling may gawing hindi maganda.
There’s nothing inside her room. Just her and the foam. There’s a glass window on the side that can’t be opened and sturdy enough not to break easily. And the door to her room is locked except when she has to eat.
Walang pinagkaiba sa isang taong namumuhay sa kulungan. Only that she’s alone. Insane and alone.
They even put something inside her mouth to cover her teeth because she was once caught biting her own wrist with a clear intention of killing herself. She wants to die so bad.
I feel like dying inside as I watch her in this state. Is this how she has to pay for what she had done?
“I didn’t mean to do it... Hindi ko sinasadya... I saw Melynda’s face. I saw her and I... and I... I didn’t want to kill you, Mom. Don’t ever forgive me...” She cried and kneeled as if she’s seeing and talking to Tita Stella’s ghost.
Bigla ay pumalibot ang dalawang kamay niya sa leeg niya, sinasakal ang sarili. The nurses rushed inside her room when the alarm rings loudly. My hand flew to my mouth as I sobbed, breaking down heavily.
Hinila ng dalawang nurse ang kamay niya mula sa leeg niya habang siya’y nagwawala. Two other nurses entered and one of them restrained her feet to stop her from kicking the two nurses holding her hands.
“I want to die! Please kill me! Just kill me!” She screamed. Her eyes were red from too much crying, a strangle bruise appeared on her neck.
The other nurse injected her with what I think is a sedative. Unti-unti siyang nanghina at bumagsak. She fell asleep right away.
“It’s been nine months but she’s not showing any progress. She’s still the same as she was first admitted here.” The psychiatrist told me.
How is that possible? It’s been almost a year and she’s still not showing any progress?
Blaire...
I am so sorry... I am so sorry you had to go through all of this. She was abused by Melynda, sinasaktan siya at minamaltrato. And now, she’s in here after she accidentally murdered her mom.
“Does Tito Steve visits her often?” Halos hindi ko na marinig ang sarili kong boses sa kakaiyak.
“No. Her father has never been here. Not even once.” The doctor said.
Tito Steve must be loathing her so much. This is too painful. I can’t take it anymore. I walked out of there crying, with every piece of me reaching out to Blaire. She’s extremely broken, she looks irreparable.
Will she ever be fixed? Will she ever cope from this? Because I don’t think she will ever be...