CHAPTER 7
Buhay ang nawala, buhay ang kapalit
CAGNES TAYLOR
I MISSED HIM. Parang nasa paligid ko lang siya. Strange, but I felt like his just around. Kahit matagal na kaming hindi nagkikita at nagkakausap, umaasa pa rin ako sa kaniyang pagbalik.
I was always longing for him. He was the man who created a big impact in my life and it will take decades to forget him.
Inalog ko ang aking ulo upang makatakas sa pag-iisip na 'yon.
Hinalughog ko ang aking bulsa upang makapahan ang aking earphones upang mag-sound trip nalang. Music has been my silent best friend. Because when words failed me, music can speak for me. Pakiramdam ko'y kulang ako kung walang musika. Whenever I'm broken, it heals and completes me. It's a comfort.
Bumuntonghininga bago sinilipan ang nakatalang iskor sa ibabaw'ng bahagi ng aking test paper. Naningkit ang aking mga mata dahil dalawang puntos nalang, perpect na sana. I thought I would fail because I didn't study well.
"Not a bad score, Cagnes." I sighed and leaned against the backrest of the chair. I put my air pods in my ear again, playing 'Fearless by Taylor Swift.' Umindayog ang aking ulo sa bawat kumpas ng musika. The flesh inside of me, refreshed. Music never failed me to energize.
"For those who didn't make it up, better luck next time, may midterm pa naman," our professor, cracking a smile. Rinig na rinig ko pa naman ang sinasabi niya dahil hindi naman naka-full volume 'yong tugtog.
I gazed around. Some were annoyed, frustrated and mad. Some were blissful and proud.
"It's already time, you can go now," pamamaalam ni professor bago lumabas.
Nakipagsiksikan naman ang mga kaklase ko sa bibig ng pinto na para bang mga batang-kalyeng naglalaro lang. I laughed shortly and shook my head. They're fool.
Isinakbit ko ang bag sa aking balikat at tumayo.
'In the middle of the parking lot. Yeah . . .'
"Where do you want to go?" he smilingly asked, spinning the key on the tip of his index finger.
"Home?" hindi ko siguradong sagot o tanong?
Kumunot ang kaniyang noo tila hindi nasisiyahan sa naging sagot ko.
"A boring place to be." He rolled his eyes. D*mn, he's really cute!
Cedric took my hand and pulled me towards the middle of the parking lot. I snuggled up to his chest, held me close and wrapped around my back. I could feel his heart beat, sounded like it's calling my name.
"Gusto kitang isayaw ng mabagal . . ." kanta niya at ako'y marahang napaguhit na ngiti. Isa sa mga nakapagpatibok ng puso ay ang malamig niyang boses. He was the main vocalist of Soul & Heart Sensation: a group of singers sa paaralan namin noon.
I had cherished the moment. I enjoyed the time being with him closer. It felt like I am a Queen.
Napakaswerte ko sa lalaking ito. I could never ask for more
He grinned and slowly twirled me around. He pulled me back and gave me a warmth smile.
"Sana palagi nalang ganito," a husky whispered by him. D*mn! I could not bear this! Kailan kaya ako ulit malulunod ng ganito?
"Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at saka ibinuga. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko, nahihirapan pa rin akong tanggapin ang desisyon niya.
"Few more days to go, you're leaving me . . ." humagulgol ako ". . . pwede bang dito ka lang magkolehiyo?" huli kong pakiusap.
I could see the pain behind his smiling eyes. No matter how the way he tried to hide it, I could still see it.
Cedric, the only man I'd loved. It was hard for me to accept the fact that our path would be drifted apart. I could never ask God for more. Nasa kaniya na ang lahat ng pinapangarap ko.
But . . . the first man whom I truly loved was the first man who broke my heart. Pinayagan ko siya na sa ibang bansa siya magkolehiyo dahil sa natanggap nitong scholarship but he lied! Yes, he did a mistake. Buong akala ko nasa ibang bansa siya ngunit lingid sa aking kaalaman noon na nasa isang unibersidad dito sa Pilipinas pala siya nagkokolehiyo.
"Cedric?" nakangiti kong tawag. It was Christmas when I saw him on the Plaza we always used to visit every Christmas season.
He turned back and threw me a cold gaze. His face was momentarily expressionless.
"You never told me you're back," nangingiyak kong saad. I just badly missed him. I ran towards him and immediately snaked my arms to his body. "You never answered my calls and texts. Nag-alala ako sa 'yo ng sobra. Akala ko hindi ka na muling magpapakita pa sa akin. Akala ko na roon ka na mamamalagi sa ibang bansa. Ano ba kasing nangyari?" pusot-pusot kong mga katanungan.
He stared down into his lap. I kept my watery eyes on him and it took less than a minute when I realized he was sobbing too bad. I never witnessed a man who cries in front of me. He literally surprised me and left a bit of confusion.
"I c-can't love you anymore, Cagnes," his confusing statement. Nakabagsak pa rin ang tingin nito sa baba at hindi ako magawang titigan sa mata.
Sa isang iglap lang, lumisan ang guhit ng aking ngiti sa aking labi. I tried to put back my smile but it doesn't working anymore.
"Nice prank, Cedric." Mahilaw akong napatawa ngunit nanginginig na ang mga labi ko. I convinced myself that he was just making a scene. A joke?
"I'm serious, loving you is not enough," he added, his words sucked, pain struck! I had watched him from a distance, silently. Nagawa na niya akong titigan sa mata.
"Tumikhim ako dahil parang may bumabarang bagay sa lalamunan ko na 'di ko tukoy kung ano.
"Alam mo bang nasasaktan ako sa biro mo?" a low tone of voice from me.
He was silent for a moment, wiping his teary eyes. I get little embarrassed when people there had centered their attention to me --- to us.
"You have the right love but in the wrong person, Cagnes." Muli na naman akong sinaksak sa matalim niyang mga salita. "We are exactly opposite to each other and that's the reason why our relationship will never work out." His words punched me inside. I couldn't bear the pain it gave to me.
"But . . . it did, Cedric! It did!" Mas lalong lumakas ang aking paghagulgol. "It works! It really works . . ." Pumadyak ako't dinuro ang dibdib nito.
"I'm sorry," mahina niyang saad. "I know you deserve someone better than me . . ." bumuga siya ng hangin at muling ibinalik sa normal ang mukha. ". . . I think it's better to end up everything between us. I can't fight my love for you. I can't protect you. Hindi kita kayang ipaglaban, Cagnes."
......
"Cagnes Taylor!"
Parang napasong binitawan ko ang tasa ng kape at sa sahig ang naging bagsak nito. Sinundan pa ito ng tunog ng pagkabasag na pumukaw sa buong diwa ko. I had clenched my jaws and my fists tightly. I was about to give him a blow when Zheffrey crossed between us.
My eyes closed in a deep annoyance. Parang nanginginig ang laman at dugo ko. Idinilat ko ang aking mata at pinalitaw ang matulis na tingin patungo sa kaniya.
"I think . . . I should keep my distance away," said Sapphire after sipping her cup of coffee. She was heading into her room with magazine on her hand.
"Papatayin mo ba ako sa gulat?!" I exclaimed; I couldn't manage my bad temper to him.
"Paano ba 'yan, teh? Kanina pa ako rito nakikipag-usap sa hangin," his giggling statement. What a silly manner!
Dumilim ang paningin ko kay Prince. Parang nag-iba na ang mukha nito dahil sa pagkainis ko sa kaniya. Ganito ba talaga ako magalit? Lalamunin ng kadiliman ang hitsura ng tao?
"May iniisip lang ako. Kausapin mo lang kaya 'yong sarili mo sa salamin," pilosopo kong sagot at inirapan siya.
I suppressed a gasp. I should be not stressing myself with this fool.
"May dalaw ka, teh?" pangungulit pa niya kaya't dinampot ko ang nakatuping diyaryo at hinampas ko siya. "You're always in a bad mood, girl!" Umaapaw na ako sa mga sinasabi niya. I could no longer handle it.
Inangatan ko siya ng kilay at sinaway, "it's not me, it's you, you're always in a bad timing, baks!"
Pearl did wipe the wet table down the floor. I carefully grabbed the broken pieces of the cup, then suddenly noticed that there was a blood leaking on my hand. Tanging ako lang ang nakapansin sa sugat na nabuo sa aking kamay kaya't mabilis ko itong itinakbo sa loob ng C.R., bago man nila ito mapansin.
I opened the faucet, water washed the bloods away. This wouldn't happen if Prince didn't startle me. D*mn!
I held my breath as the flickering light bathed the room in pale light. I remained standing and searching the stillness in me. I tilted my head, accepting the fact that she would bother me, again.
My pulse raced slightly when a woman appeared in the mirror. But, something was wrong with her face. There were no bloods and bruises on it. I had never seen her face that way. I complimented secretly in my mind. She's undeniably gorgeous. Maganda ang kaibigan kong si Pearl ngunit kung ipaghahambing ang dalawa ay mas aangat itong babaeng ito kompara sa kaibigan ko. I was impressed with how she had radiated her beauty to me.
"Pakiusap, tulungan mo ako," pabulong niyang pakiusap, her voice fainted. Her eyes were innocent. I couldn't hold back my jaws. May awang sumibol sa loob ng aking puso.
I knew at first. Isa siya sa mga kaluluwa na hindi matahimik. Hindi na ako nahirapan sa pag-intindi nito dahil minsan na rin akong nakatulong ng mga ligaw na kaluluwa noon.
Dati-rati, palagi akong ginagambala ng mga kaluluwang hindi makatawid sa ibang mundo. Hindi ko batid kong pinagpala ba ako dahil nakakatulong ako ng kagaya nila o isa ba 'tong sumpa sa buhay at pagkatao ko.
"Sa a-anong paraan ba k-kita matutulungan?" I quivered when she stepped closer to me; I could observe her on the reflection of the mirror. Salamin pa rin ang ginagamit kong instrumento para matingnan ko nang maigi ang kaniyang nakakahumaling na mukha. Her white gown coated with stains of blood, enough to conclude that she was being murdered. I was not sure with my surmise because I had no evidence to conclude, but my hunch and speculation would never be wrong.
"Bigyan mo ng hustisya ang pagkamatay ko . . ." umaalingawngaw niyang boses sa kaliitan ng espasyo sa banyo. Ngumisi siya nang wagas na naging dahilan sa pag-uunahan sa pagtindig ng balahibo ko. "Namin . . ." dugtong pa niya na ikinasindak ko pa. Bumungad sa repleksyon ng salamin ang apat na lalaki.
Nagkuskos ako ng mata upang maklarohan ng tingin ang iba pang kaluluwa na bumungad sa aking paningin.
Isa na roon ay ang kaluluwa ng lalaking hindi ko inaasahan.
"Ho-holy!" tinig kong hindi matuloy-tuloy dahil parang may bumabarang matigas na bagay sa aking lalamunan. My eyes widened as my eyes pointed to him. The man whom I only loved. Lumunok ako nang pangatlo bago lumabo ang aking mga mata. I would want to turn back but I could not. I convinced myself not to believe from what my eyes witnessed but his face and figures were enough to tell na siya talaga iyon at hindi ako pwedeng magkamali.
Cedric De Guzman, the love of my life.
Balot ng mga pasa at sugat ang kaniyang mukha. Gusto kong balingan siya't yakapin ngunit mas pinili ko nalang titigan siya habang nasasaktan na ako ng lubos.
"B-bak---A-ano---P-paano?" I couldn't believe it was really him. I hardly pressed my hand against my mouth; I could notice how it shuddered. "C-cedric!" Humagulgol ako nang humagulgol, hinayaang damahin ang kirot na tumutusok sa puso ko. 'Yong pakiramdam na parang nilamon ka ng mundo nang walang kaalam-alam.
Paulit-ulit ko siyang tiningnan sa salamin ngunit hindi ito rumesponde sa bawat tawag ko sa kaniyang pangalan. He remained speechless. His sight with no emotion made me miss him.
My throat seemed to close. Everything that occupied the space had gradually vanished out from my eyes: the pale lights, the spirits, racing heartbeats and even my mind went blank. I felt that I was drowned by the moment. Ang hirap maghanap ng oksiheno upang tustusan ang aking paghinga.
"Buhay ang nawala, buhay ang kapalit," malademonyong wika ng babae na nagpalit ng anyo sa mukha. Bumalik ang guhit ng mga sugat sa mukha, kabilang ang mga dugo at pasa.
I hardly hit the mirror through my raging fist. Nilukob ako ng matinding galit. Nais kong maging marahas at balawis sa mga puntong iyon. The mirror shattered with bloods on its cracked line. I never felt pains and prickles from that hit. Angriness and willingness to kill almost swallowed my humanity.
"Magbayad ang may sala!" I exclaimed, sighting hardly on the broken mirror.
Now, I have the reason to reveal my dark secret and show them what I am hiding inside! If killing would grant justice for those lost lives, I would be ready to lend my soul to hell.
Dizziness tugged my equilibrium so I quickly leaned my back on the hard wall. Sarkastiko akong tumawa habang pinagmasdan ang sarili sa basag na salamin. Nagmumukha akong loka-loka sa naging reaksyon ng aking mukha. I caught my fist with bloods leaking on it. Muli ko itong hinugasan nang sunod-sunod ang pagkatok ng pinto.
"Cagnes!"