I decided not to a watch movie anymore. Mas gusto ko na lang na maglakad-lakad kami sa seaside o hindi kaya ay uminom ng kape at tumambay sa Starbucks habang nag-uusap. Just like the old times.
"Masaya ako kasi nakahanap ka na ng totoong kaibigan bukod kay Angelique, Sab."
I smiled. "How about you? Ako lang 'yong palaging nagsasalita rito, eh."
I felt his warm hand wrapped around my hand. He intertwined our hands and put them inside the pocket of his jacket. I couldn't hide my smile because the warmth of his hand made me feel secure. Nilingon ko siya at nahuli ko siyang nakatingin sa akin. My eyes squinted and refrain from laughing when his ears turned red.
He cleared his throat. "Ano ba ang gusto mong ikuwento ko sa 'yo, Sab?"
I bit my lower lip and stopped myself from asking him about the messages he always sent to me. Maybe I'll ask him some other time. He always prioritized my comfortability, so in return, I would not ask him about it. Hihintayin ko na lang na siya na mismo ang magsabi niyon sa akin.
He stopped. Kunot naman ang noo kong nilingon siya. Magtatanong na sana ako kung bakit siya huminto kaso napansin kong nasa tapat na pala kami ng Starbucks. Nilingon niya ako. His eyes were glistening.
"Tara kape?" he asked.
I smiled and nodded. "I would love to."
"Sab, ano'ng gusto mo?"
I twitched my lips and looked at the menu. "Signature hot chocolate, please."
"Tall, grande, venti?"
"Grande."
Tumango siya. "Miss, one signature hot chocolate for and one dark mocha. Grande po sila parehas."
"Name po, Sir?"
"Xavier na lang."
"Sige po, Sir, hintayin niyo na lang po."
I craned my neck looking for a vacant table. Nang may makita na 'ko ay agad ko siyang hinila roon. I chose the table that was near the glass window. Ewan ko ba mas gusto ko talagang maupo sa pwestong ito. Mas gusto ko kasing makita ang mga tao sa labas habang nagkakape. In that way, I would be able to write something. Binawi ko ang aking kamay at naupo sa upuan habang siya naman ay minamanipula ang camera niya. After that, itinapat niya sa akin iyon.
I didn't smile. Nakatitig lang ako sa camera niya. After that, he let me held his camera because the crew called his name. Tiningnan ko naman iyong shot niya sa akin.
"Ang sungit naman ng mukha ko rito," I whispered.
"It's okay. Maganda ka naman."
I lifted my face and saw him holding our tray. Nilapag niya ang inumin namin sa lamesa at itinabi ang tray. Naupo siya sa harap ko at ngumiti sa akin. Binalik ko naman sa kanya iyong camera at pinakiramdaman ang init ng aking kape.
"I'm glad that you continue your passion."
"You inspired me, Sab."
My brows met and pointed myself. "Me?"
He nodded and picked out his wallet from his crossbody bag. May kinuha siya roon sa loob at nilapag sa harap ko. My lips parted when I saw what it was.
The paper I gave to him four years ago.
"You kept my letter?" I asked softly.
He nodded while looking me straight into my eyes. My heart went wild, so I looked down at the paper and cleared my throat. I never thought that he would keep my letter for him. And he even put it inside his wallet.
"Syempre naman. Sa loob ng apat na taon bitbit ko 'yan. Palagi ko rin 'yang binabasa kapag napapanghinaan na 'ko ng loob at napapagod na sa buhay. I considered your letter as a living you, Sab. You always keep me going."
My heart beats faster after he said those words to me. I never though that my simple letter would make an impact in his life. Small things really matters, huh?
"Mabuti naman at pumayag 'yong Mama mo."
Xavier smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Pinagbigyan na rin ako ni Mama bago siya nawala."
My jaw dropped. "W-what?"
I couldn't imagine the pain he went through over the past four years. Losing someone you dearly love is agonizing. I knew the feeling because I was there. It's excruciatingly painful, and you can't do anything about it but accept the reality that they were gone.
He blinked thrice and looked away. "She died two years ago, Sab."
"I'm sorry, Xav."
Umiling siya. "Ayos lang. Masakit pero ganoon talaga ang buhay. Hindi naman lahat ng tao nananatili sa mundo."
I don't know what to say because I am no good at comforting people. Instead of giving him comfort words, I held his hand and gently squeezed it. I want him to know that I am here. Hindi man ako magaling sa pagbibigay ng comforting words, nandito naman iyong presensya ko. I gave him a warm smile.
"I'm proud of what you become, Xavier. If your Mother would see doing the things you love, she would be proud of you as well."
He intertwined our hands together and smiled at me. "Thank you for inspiring me, Sabrina."
"You inspired me, too. I would never choose this path if it wasn't because of you. Marami akong natutunan sa mga sinabi mo sa akin noon."
Life is full of surprises, isn't it? I never knew that the vacation I took four years ago would make an impact and change my perspective on life. This guy right in front of me helped me to be a better version of myself. Before, I was just a lost boat in the ocean. I would always follow the movements of the waves because I thought that I was in the right direction. But when he came, he made me realize that it's okay to row my boat. It's okay not to follow the waves, and it's okay to switch directions.
Pagkatapos naming inumin ang aming inumin ay magkahawak-kamay kaming naglakad papunta sa amusement park. While walking, we were talking random things. At kahit kating-kati na 'kong itanong sa kanya kung bakit ginawa niyang diary ang account ko ay mas pinili ko pa ring manahimik.
We decided to ride ferris wheel. Nang makapasok kami sa loob ay naupo siya sa kaharap kong upuan habang inaayos ang kanyang camera. He took a photo of me again. Napapagod na 'yong labi ko kangingiti. But he seems enjoying it, so I'll let him.
"Shit!" I whispered when the ride started to move.
He chuckled. "Kape pa."
I rolled my eyes at him and looked outside. In my peripheral vision, I saw him looking at me. Nilingon ko siya at agad siyang umiwas ng tingin noong nahuli ko siyang nakatingin sa akin. I smiled a little and averted my gaze to the city lights. Tumigil sa pag-ikot ang ferris wheel para sandali naming matanaw ang ganda ng paligid. Seeing them made me relax. But the sound of the waves that gently kiss the shore will always keep my sanity intact.
"Sab."
Agad akong lumingon kay Xavier nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko. "Why?"
He sighed heavily. "Can I sit beside you?"
I blinked and nodded. "Sure."
Noong tumayo siya ay sakto namang muling umandar ang sinasakyan namin. He was out of balance. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya para hindi siya matumba. Pero mukhang mali ang desisyon ko kasi bigla ko siyang nahila papalapit sa akin! I cussed when his camera swayed. Mabuti na lang at agad niyang nahawakan iyon bago pa tumama sa mukha ko.
"Shit. Sorry, Sab."
I lifted my head and that was when I realized our position. Ang kanyang kaliwang kamay ay nakahawak sa bakal na nasa aking likod. Pinipigilan ang kanyang sarili para hindi ako madaganan. He was catching his breath, and damn it, we're too close!
I gulped when his eyes went down to my lips. Pumikit siya at umiling bago naupo sa tabi ko. Pansin kong namumula ang kanyang tenga at hindi siya makatingin sa akin. Kahit noong nakababa na kami ay hindi pa rin niya 'ko tinitingnan. May ibinubulong din siya na hindi ko maintindihan.
Hinawakan ko ang braso niya kaya napahinto siya. "Bakit hindi ka makatingin sa akin?"
"Nahihiya ako."
"Why? Because of what happened? I'm fine. No big deal, Xavier."
He sighed. "Nahihiya ako sa 'yo kasi gustong-gusto kitang halikan kanina. Pinigilan ko lang 'yong sarili ko kasi alam kong hindi ka komportable kapag ginawa ko 'yon."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita at laglag ang panga kong nakatingin sa kanya. Umiwas ako ng tingin at ramdam ko ang bilis ng aking puso. I gulped and I really don't know what to say.
"Sab, I like you," he said softly.
Agad akong napalingon sa kanya. He was staring straight into my eyes. Kitang-kita ko ang sincerity sa kanyang mga mata habang sinasabi iyon.
"Noong araw na umalis ka. I was preparing a dinner date to invite you over and tell you how much I like you. Alam ko na maiksi lang 'yong panahon na nagkakilala tayong dalawa, pero hindi naging hadlang ang oras para magustuhan kita. The first time I laid my eyes on you on the plane, I never thought that I would fall this hard."
I felt like my whole damn world stopped. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya habang sinasabi niya iyon. My mind went blank and all I could do was stare at him.
"Naalala mo ba noong tinanong mo 'ko kung bakit ako nag-aalala sa 'yo?"
I nodded slowly. Of course, I remember it. Iyong akala niya may nangyari nang masama sa akin kahit ang totoo ay nagpapalutang lang naman ako. I asked him why he was worried about me and that was the first time I was friend-zoned.
"I was worried with you because I like you, Sab. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko kapag may nangyaring masama sa 'yo. Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kapag napahamak 'yong babaeng gustong-gusto ko."
"Then why you didn't tell me the truth?"
"Kasi iniisip ko na hindi ako ang para sa 'yo, Sab. Iniisip ko rin na baka hindi mo 'ko magustuhan pabalik. Natakot ako sa rejection. Tsaka. . . malayo rin ang agwat nating dalawa. Natakot ako na baka hindi kita mapanindigan.
My vision became blurry. Tumingala ako para mapigilan ko ang maiyak. So, all this time our feelings were mutual? He was afraid to tell it on my face because he thought that I would reject him?
'Kung nagtapat ba siya sa 'yo noon ay tatanggapin mo siya?' a little voice asked at the back of my head.
Ibinalik ko sa kanya ang tingin ko. "Akala ko kaya mo sinabing kaibigan mo lang ako kasi girlfriend mo si Olivia."
His eyes widened a fraction. "What? No."
"I know. Bago ako tuluyang nakaalis sa airport noon, she message me on Instagram asking where I was. Doon ko nalaman na bisexual pala siya noong sinilip ko 'yong account niya. And I never thought that she's your cousin."
"Damn. Kaya ka ba lumalayo sa akin noon? Ramdam ko kasi na umiiwas ka sa akin, eh."
"Yes. I really thought that she was you girlfriend. Hindi rin naman kasi niya sinabi na magpinsan kayo."
He run his fingers through his hair an d licked his lower lip. "Sab, hindi kita sasamahan at kukulitin ng ganoon kung may girlfriend man ako."
I shrugged. "I thought you were just being friendly with me."
Hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala. Bahagya akong natawa noong mandiri pa siya. Nagsimula akong maglakad papunta sa malapit na bench habang nakatingin sa maraming tao. Sumunod siya sa akin at naupo sa tabi ko.
Nilingon ko siya. "But you know what? I'm happy, although we ended that way."
Hindi siya nagsalita. Nakatitig lang siya sa akin na para bang sa libo-libong taong nandito, ako lang ang tanging nakikita niya.
"That summer was a bit cruel yet sweet. Hindi man natin nasabi ang ating mga nararamdaman noon, masaya pa rin ako kasi kung hindi dahil doon ay hindi tayo mapupunta sa kung nasaan man tayo ngayon. I am a writer, and you're a photographer now. Natupad natin 'yong matagal na nating gustong gawin sa buhay. We didn't happened, yes, but we made ourselves better. And I am proud of what we become right now," I said and averted my gaze to him.
Kitang-kita ko ang gulat sa kanyang mga mata. "Sab. . . you m-mean. . ."
I stared into his eyes and smiled a little. "Yes. I like you too, Xavier Angelo Yuzon."
And after four years, we admit to each other what we truly feel.