The last time I cried hard was when my cat named Copper died. I didn't cry when I didn't pass my entrance exam in Ateneo. I didn't cry when I lost my name on the dean's list. Not because I don't care about my grades, but my parents don't pressure me that much. I didn't cry when I received so many judgments from other people telling me that my attitude was the worst. 
But last night, I cried hard. I don't know if it was just because of Xavier, but I think it was the pent-up emotions I carried out for quite some time now. The frustrations I felt in writing, my untold thoughts towards the people who kept on judging me, and the past mistakes I did just add fuel to my tears. 
I allowed myself to be vulnerable last night. And when the break of day came, I felt like a flying feather.
I wasn't a morning person, but watching the sunrise feels so spectacular. I was just alone and sitting on the sand while savoring the peace I received from the ocean. Hearing the sound of the waves brings me calmness in my being. And I would never get tired of listening to them. 
Iginala ko ang aking mga mata at pansin kong bilang lang sa kamay ang gising na. Some of them are the crews and tourists who were enjoying their cup of coffee. Huminga ako ng malalim at pumikit. I just hope that no one will ruin my solitude. 
"Aga natin, Sir, ah? Good morning po!" 
Agad akong nagmulat at hinanap ang may-ari ng boses na iyon. Sa kanang bahagi ay nakita ko ang isang crew. It was a man on his mid 40s I think, and the man he was talking to was . . . Xavier. Halatang magjo-jogging siya kasi nakasuot siya ng puting sando at jogger pants. Umiwas ako ng tingin nang mahuli niya 'kong nakatingin sa kanya.
In my peripheral vision, I saw them talking, and later on, he jogged towards my direction. I tried my best not to be affected by his presence. I need to act cool and casual towards him. He stopped and sat a meter away from me. Pinanatili ko naman ang tingin ko sa dagat. 
"Good morning, Sab."
I blinked three times and replied, "good morning, too."
Ramdam ko ang tingin niya sa akin pero pinanatili ko pa rin ang mga mata ko sa malawak at asul na karagatan. Funny how things change easily, huh? We used to talk a lot before, and the distance wasn't that far. But right now, I felt like we're back in being strangers. 
Well, technically,  we're still strangers because we don't really know each other that much. 
I sighed. Ang labo. 
"Kailan ka pala uuwi, Sab?"
I pursed my lips. Last night, I was battling with myself if I should stay here until Sunday. Today is my fourth day and I still have three days left. Nagdadalawang isip pa 'ko kung sa Linggo ba 'ko uuwi o bukas. I just don't want to be here. Pakiramdam ko sapat na 'yong oras at araw na pamamalagi ko rito. Pero plano pa naman. 
Nilingon ko siya. "Sunday pa naman."
"Ang bilis naman ng araw. Bakit kaya ganoon? Kapag masaya ka hindi mo napapansin 'yong oras. Tapos kapag malungkot ka parang sobrang bagal," he said and chuckled.
I smiled a little and combed my hair. "Because we enjoyed the moment. Kapag masaya kasi 'yong isang tao . . . hindi niya pinapansin 'yong paligid niya, eh."
I heard him heaved a deep breath and threw a rock in the ocean. 
"Sab. . ."
"Hmmm?"
Ilang sandali siyang hindi umimik. Nilingon ko siya at napansin ko ang problemado niyang mukha. Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin at mas lalo siyang nagmukhang problemado. Ginulo niya ang kanyang buhok at yumuko. 
He licked his lips and gulped. "Sab. . . m-may sasabihin sana ako sa 'yo."
My brows met. "What?"
He stared at me intently and sighed again. I don't have any idea what he would say to me. He really looks problematic and scared.
"Sab, I--"
"Good morning, people!"
Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko nang biglang sumulpot ang nakangiting si Olivia sa pagitan namin ni Xavier.
"Hi, Sab!" she greeted me with full of energy.
I smiled at her too and greeted her back. Tiningnan ko naman si Xavier na ngayon ay mukhang badtrip. Magkatagpo ang kanyang kilay at nakasimangot ang mukhang tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo.
"Oh? Saan ka pupunta?" tanong ko.
"Naku! Hayaan mo na si Angelo, Sab, malaki na 'yan!" wika ni Olivia.
Xavier frowned. "Kahit kailan panira ka talaga, Via."
My lips parted and averted my eyes to Olivia. I thought she would get offended, but she didn't. She just laughed and raised her middle finger.
"Fuck you, Xavier Angelo Yuzon!"
Natulala ako at hindi makapaniwala. Umiling lang si Xavier at nang tuluyan siyang makaalis ay ibinaling ko ang atensyon kay Olivia na nakatitig sa akin.
I blinked thrice because her stares were kinda uncomfortable. 
"Why?"
Ngumiti siya sa akin at humiga sa buhangin. "Wala lang. Ang ganda mo kasi, eh."
Nakaramdam ako ng hiya. This wasn't the first time I was praised by someone, but this was the first time I was praised by a girl whom I just met. My girl classmates before in high school used to bully me, and I don't know why. Maybe because of my skin? Sobrang puti ko kasi at palagi nilang inaasar sa akin noon ay labanos at ang iba naman sinasabi na white lady raw ako. 
I remember when I was 16, I tried to spend hours under the sun to make my skin a little bit darker so they would not bully me. But I got sick because of too much heat. And my Mom was anxious that I might get a skin cancer because of what I did. Nalaman din ni Mommy ang rason kung bakit ko ginawa iyon at doon na nga niya 'ko pinagsabihan.
That I shouldn't seek for their validations just to fit with their standards. Mas lalo lang daw silang matutuwa kapag nagpaapekto ako sa mga sinasabi nila. Since it was my last quarter in junior high school, my Mom wanted me to transfer but I declined. Tinapos ko muna ang natitirang araw sa school na iyon bago ako lumipat. 
I smiled. "Thank you for appreciating me, Olivia."
Nilingon niya 'ko habang ginagawa niyang unan ang kanyang mga kamay. Parehas sila ni Xavier.
"Unang kita ko pa lang talaga sa 'yo ay gandang ganda na 'ko. Tsaka ang puti puti mo rin!"
"Na parang labanos. Yeah, I know."
"Huh? Wala akong sinasabi na ganyan, ah. Tsaka ang ganda ganda mo kasi talaga tapos maganda rin 'yong kulay ng buhok mo. Nagpakulay ka ba?"
I combed my hair and nodded. "Yep."
"Bagay sa 'yo. Mas lalong umangat 'yong ganda mo."
I laughed. "Nakakarami ka na, ah. Wala akong barya ngayon."
Tumawa rin siya. "Nga pala may activity mamayang gabi. Sama ka sa amin, ah?"
"Activity? Para saan?"
Bumangon siya at pinaglaruan ang buhangin. "Para sa mga turista na kagaya mo. Pasasalamat lang namin na pumunta kayo rito."
Kumunot ang noo ko. "Wait. Hindi ka turista?"
She shook her head. "Bisayang bisaya ako!"
Umawang ang labi ko. "I really thought you're a tourist!"
"Dito ako ipinanganak, nagkaisip, at malamang dito na rin ako mamamatay."
"Hey! Stop talking about death."
"Bakit? Doon din naman tayo papunta, ah?"
I shrugged and sighed. "I'm not comfortable talking about death. Namatay kasi 'yong alaga kong pusa dati at sobrang sakit talaga sa dibdib."
"Sus! Pusa lang naman 'yon!" She said and laughed. 
Nakaramdam ako ng inis. "So? My cat was important to me because she was the only friend I have when I was in high school. Not because she was just a cat it doesn't mean she wasn't important to me," I said and walked out.
She was freaking unbelievable!
Naiinis ako kapag pinagsasabihan ng ganoon ang mga hayop. May it be a cat, dog or other animals that are important to us. Kung sa kaniya parang wala lang, para sa akin ay malaki 'yong bahagi ng pusa sa buhay ko. Kahit pa puro lang tulog si Copper noon, palagi siyang nasa tabi ko. She became my living diary when I don't have friends before. Kaya noong namatay siya ay umiyak talaga 'ko ng sobra. I felt like she brought the other part of my being. 
And sometimes, animals are more loyal and loving than humans. 
Hindi ko na pinakinggan pa nang paulit-ulit niyang tawagin ang pangalan ko. Naiinis lang talaga 'ko sa kanya. Medyo mababaw pakinggan dahil lang sa isang pusa ay nagwalk out ako, pero hindi lang kasi pusa lang iyon. I treated my cats as my younger sisters.
***
Xavier dm-ed me on Instagram earlier and asked if I wanted his company but I declined. For a while, I kinda missed my company. I missed my soul. 
Akala ko nga ay beaches lang ang mayroon sila rito, mayroon din pala silang museum. It was a parish museum. Mabuti na lang at nakapagdala ako ng dress at sakto ring nasa mood ako magdress kaya nagsimba na lang din ako roon. After that, I went to Maalat baywalk, which is 25 minutes away from the museum. I took photos using my phone and just enjoy the view. I saw a lot of couples at the baywalk. May ilan sa kanila na kumukuha ng mga bato at ipinagpatong-patong ang mga ito. 
I tried to make one and post it on my instagram story. Isang segundo pa lang ang nakakalipas ay nagreply sa story ko si Xavier. 
xvryuzon replied to your story.
Ganda naman d'yan, Sab. Enjoy!
I smiled and didn't reply to him. Ibinalik ko sa loob ng bag ang aking phone at patuloy na ninanamnam ang ganda ng paligid. And at 6 pm, I traveled back in Kota beach.
Pagod akong dumating sa villa ko. Wala na sana akong balak na pumunta roon sa sinasabi ni Olivia na activity pero bigla siyang kumatok at humingi ng tawad sa pagiging insensitive niya kanina. Hindi rin naman ako nagtatanim ng galit at nakalimutan ko na rin 'yong inis ko sa kanya kanina kasi nag-enjoy ako sa paggala nang mag-isa. 
"I'm really sorry, Sab. Sobrang insensitive ko kanina. Sana tumuloy ka pa rin sa activity tonight," she said sincerely.
I smiled. "It's okay. Anong oras ba magsisimula? Kararating ko lang kasi, eh."
"Mamayang 8 pm pa naman."
I nodded. "Okay. I'll just rest for a while. Saan gaganapin 'yong activity?"
"Ah, sa isang bar. Malapit lang 'yon dito."
Tumango ako. "Okay."
She smiled at me. "Daanan ka na lang namin ni Angelo mamaya, ah? Sorry ulit, Sab."
I assured her that I was okay with it. At least she knew that I was offended and she apologized. I just hope that she would never do that again. 
Nang umalis siya ay pumasok ako sa banyo para maligo. Pagkatapos niyon ay humiga ako sa kama. Napatitig ako sa kisame at pumasok na naman sa isip ko kung dapat ba 'kong manatili rito hanggang Linggo. Sa totoo lang, I was starting to feel awkwardness towards him. Ewan ko ba. I just don't want to be close to him. 
Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi at kinuha ko ang aking cellphone. I opened my Instagram account and noticed a message from him. Medyo nanginginig pa ang kamay ko habang binubuksan ang mensahe niya.
xvryuzon:
Good evening, Sab. Sasama ka ba mamaya?
sablarracas:
Yes.
xvryuzon:
Ah, sige. Sasama na rin ako. hehe
sablarracas:
Okay.
I sighed and frowned. I wanted to make our conversation long, but my answers were all nonsense! Tsaka, teka nga. Bakit ba gusto kong pahabain ang coversation namin? Hay. Iba talaga ang nagagawa kapag bored ka tapos wala kang makausap na matino, 'no? 
xvryuzon:
Si Frozen ka ba?
My lips parted after reading his message. Frozen? Who's that? Tsaka nagpi-pick up line ba siya?
sablarracas:
Sino 'yan?
xvryuzon:
'Yong kumanta ng Let it go. Tapos may power siyang yelo. Imposibleng hindi mo kilala 'yon.
Para ata akong nagloading ng sampung segundo. I was literally staring on my phone and digest his reply. At noong na-gets ko na ang ibig niyang sabihin ay napahagalpak ako ng tawa. What the fuck! Was he talking about Elsa?
sablarracas:
Her name's Elsa, not Frozen! hahaha
xvryuzon:
Ay Elsa ba 'yon? Akala ko Frozen, eh. hahaha
sablarracas:
My gosh! Nagloading pa 'ko ng ilang segundo. I was literally staring on my phone and digest what you're saying. 
xvryuzon:
So, kilala mo na? 
sablarracas:
Yes! Elsa 'yong pangalan niya.
xvryuzon:
Eh, 'yong kapatid niya. Kilala mo?
sablarracas:
Yup. Her name's Anna.
xvryuzon:
Eh, 'yong isa pa.
My brows crossed. What? May iba pa ba siyang kapatid?
sablarracas:
Isa lang 'yong kapatid niya.
xvryuzon:
May isa pa nga.
sablarracas:
Sino?
xvryuzon:
Ikaw.
Me? What? 
sablarracas:
Why me? 
Ilang minuto ang lumpas pero hindi pa rin siya nagrereply. Papatayin ko na sana ang phone ko nang bigla siyang tumawag. Napabangon ako sa kama habang nanginginig ang mga kamay kung sasagutin ko ba. What the hell!
I sighed and calm myself down. Okay, Sab, act normal. 
Nang masagot ko ay itinapat ko iyon sa aking tenga at hinintay ko siyang magsalita.
"Sab?"
Gosh! Bakit iba 'yong boses niya sa phone? Bakit . . . bakit ang gwapo ng boses? I bit my lower lip and refrain myself from smiling. But my smile faded away when I heard Olivia's voice on the other line. Napalingon ako sa bintana at parang may sariling utak ang paa ko dahil bumaba ang mga ito at agad na naglakad papunta sa harap ng bintana. Hinawi ko ng bahagya ang kurtina at tiningnan ang kabilang villa. 
Wala sa labas si Olivia. So, it means nasa loob siya? 
"Sab--"
"Come on, Angelo," Olivia said, sounded so weird.
Napalunok ako at agad pinatay ang tawag. I shook my head and erased the scene on my head.