Screw you.
The night falls, and the students are all gathered around the campfire. Some are chatting, or may nagkakatahan, or some are just sitting and enjoying the cold breeze of the night. I am sitting alone, and waiting for Harley. She went to the bathroom at medyo malayo yun. Sasamahan ko na sana siya, but she insists on going alone. Baka tumae yun, ang tagal eh. The teachers started to let the students proceed to their cabins, before curfew time. Asan nay un? Sunduin ko na nga lang.
Kaagad ko siyang hinanap, at nagtungo sa pinakamalapit na comfort room sa may malapit sa swimming pool. Nakita ko rin na she went that way awhile ago. I reach the pool area, at napatigil ako nang makita ko si Lay na naka upo sa mga gilid ng pool habang nakasawsaw ang mga paa niya sa tubig. Nakatingin siya sa malayo, pero he felt my presence at tumingin siya sa'kin.
"Ces.." he called my name sadly.
"Hinahanap ko lang si Hayley," at tinuro ang C.R.
"Walang tao diyan, kanina pa'ko mag-isa dito."
Tumayo siya at naglakad papunta sa akin. No, can you stay where you are...
"Okay", sabi ko lang at tumalikod. I need to get out right now.
"Wait..."pigil niya at hinawakan ang kamay ko. Tumaas naman ang isang kilay ko at hinarap siya.
"What do you need?"
I asked patiently. He is looking at me with full of emotions, na para bang he want to tell many things, but he just says,
"I miss you."
The fuck? Parang natuyo ang lalamunan ko at natahimik bigla sa sinabi niya.
"Wrong, that's not the right word."
Sabi ko at binawi ang kamay ko sa kanya and he let go.
"I know, but I can't say it."
Dinadagdagan niya lang ang galit at sakit na ginagawa niya sa akin noon.
Can't he just apologize about the past? Because even if we both deny it, alam namin kung anong meron kami noon.
"Three years ago, I saw you hugging Steven very tightly that day, you are embracing him with full of emotion."
he began talking.
He saw that sad incident.
"I know you like me, pero hindi maiwasang magselos.."
That day, with Rivas is a misunderstanding...
"Let me guess, nagalit ka sa akin without asking my explanation and then what?"
"I was so upset and insecure because base from what I see, iba ang closeness niyo with each other. The way you hugged him is different.. nakakapanliit.. This is embarrassing to admit pero I hate the feeling na parang mas mahalaga siya sa'yo kaysa sa akin."
Maybe he's right, pero kaibagan ko si Rivas at mas malalim ang pinagsamahan namin. Natural lang na mas close kami ngunit sigurado ako sa sarili ko na kay Lay ako may gusto noon. I am very sure because I know myself well.
Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil may karapatan siyang maramdaman ang mga bagay na yun.
Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan ay...
"Out of anger and confusion, I...I suddenly asked Moira out that same day without thinking . . ." hindi niya maituloy ang sasabihin niya.
Nakakapanglumo siya tignan...
I can't believe na tama ang hinala ko, all this time, how could he?!
"GAGO KA! PINATULAN MO BA SI MOIRA DAHIL GALIT KA SA AKIN! LAY!" Sigaw ko sa kanya.
Did he just used somebody for his selfishness? I am denying my hunch, dahil naniniwala akong hindi siya ganon klaseng tao, pero linoloko ko lang ang sarili ko.
I hate him na iniwan niya 'ko sa ere noon, na bumabalik siya at kung umasta na parang walang nangyari.
I hate it that I keep denying these things all this time.
But I hate myself more that kinukumbinsi ko ang sarili ko maybe it was a one-sided one love.
Kahit masakit.
Pinapaniwala ko ang sarili ko na baka he was just being friendly at ako ang umasa.
For what Celes? Ayokong masira siya sa akin ng tuluyan, I had cared for him and even liked him. It is selfish but I wanted to keep treasuring his good memories, and preserving them, gusto ko pang maniwala na Lay, my first love, is a good person. I don't want to lose hope on people.
Na iba siya..but..
"AT ANO? ARE YOU GOING TO TELL ME NA YOU LIKE ME ALL THIS TIME?" Nanginginig na ako sa galit.
Please tell say no, na hindi na, na you have Moira.
Okay lang sana magkamali minsan but ..Screw you, Lay! It's been three years, you've been with Moira for three years. Please...
"NO" he confessed at halos nanghina ako sa sumunod na sinabi niya.
"I still love you."
"Moira." Pagbigkas ko sa pangalan ng babaeng mahal na mahal siya. Tumingin si Lay sa akin. How about her?
We didn't talk for a minute, nagkatitigan lang kami. Are you telling me that to take responsibility? Na pagsinabi ko na may chance tayo, you'll break up with her? Tangina!
Are you just expressing how you feel and being reckless without even thinking about that someone who loves you at nasasaktan para sa'yo?
Commiting a mistake once can be forgiven, pero repeating your mistakes over and over again is always a choice.
Whatever reason you have, you are an asshole!
Napangiti naman siya bigla, at sinimulang tumawa ng mapait.
"I expected that" he paused.
"Did I just ruin myself to you haha". His laugh is full with pain and bitterness.
Nakakapanghina ang sitwasyon naming dalawa ngayon...nagsisimulang bumigat ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko alam kong maaawa ako sa kanya o magagalit.
"I should have apologized sooner at itinama ang mga mali ko, pero Ces....minsan nanliliit ako sa sarili ko pagdating sayo." Huminga siya ng malalim at nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita.
"...gusto kong humingi ng tawad agad noon, pero anong sasabihin ko?!...Na pwedeng patawarin mo ko, because I was once stupid and immature at that time?!"
He combed his hair fiercely with his hand because of frustrations.
"Nahihiya at naiinis ako sa sarili ko, dahil sa ginawa ko kay Moira. But I can't face you. Hindi ako kasing tapang mo para harapin ang mga mali ko. Pinanindigan ko at pinagpatuloy ang pagpapanggap ko. "
I remained silent and let him talk. I just let him say everything he wants to say. At least, I will give him that. Only that.
"I thought I can love her, but I can't forget you. If I tell you these lame excuses, will you understand or will you think less of me? "
Tumingin ang malulungkot niyang mga mata sa akin. He is being bare and honest with me yet it pains me. This is too much..
Gusto kong sabihin sa kanyang,
'I am very sorry too, na gusto kitang maintindihan'. Dapat naging matapang akong tanungin siya noon. Bakit niya ginawa 'yun but I think it's useless.
'Forget about your apology ,about what happen to us' It caused so much pain and bitterness, and it's hilarious na nagyari ang lahat ng ito dahil sa maliit na misunderstanding.
'Apologize to Moira.' You're hurting her deep more than me.
'Forget me.' Because it's all in the pass.
Pero hindi ito ang lumabas sa bibig ko. I should hurt him this time to make this right. I'll hurt him to end this at once.
"Screw you, Lay Miguel.
I don't love you anymore".
Drown
"Screw you, Lay Miguel.
I don't love you anymore."