"You know I can never do that to you."
His tears continued to fall from his eyes so as mine. He walked until our bodies were only a few inches apart.
"But you already did!" I shouted in a painful voice before hitting his chest repeatedly.
Napaluhod ako sa sahig habang umiiyak, hindi na inalintana ang gaspang nito. I kept hitting his arms as he attempted to pull me up. He just knelt down to level his gaze with mine.
Nagmamakaawa na ang kaniyang tingin ngunit hindi ako madadala roon.
"Mali ang iniisip mo." His hands trembled as he tried touching me again.
Lalo lang sumama ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil doon. "Gagawin mo pa akong tanga." Natawa ako nang pagak at tinabig siya.
"Please, Freinne. She's just here because---" He was trying to explain when Torri suddenly interrupted.
"Why can't you just admit our relationship, Quinn?"
Zillian rised up and looked at her angrily. "What the fuck, Torri? Nothing's going on between the two of us!"
He almost shook her, but he took his hands away from her to stop himself. Kumuyom pa ang kaniyang mga palad dahil sa nakikita kong galit sa kaniyang mukha.
"Quinn... Sabi mo gusto mo ako." She sounded so hurt. A tear rolled down her cheeks while staring at him.
I held my chest while watching them talk.
Sobrang bigat. Ang sikip sa dibdib, animo'y hindi na ako makahinga sa sakit na nadarama ngayon.
I never thought that he would do that to me. I trusted him. I risked everything for him, but he just caused me pain in the end. This is the reason why I don't want to enter into a relationship before.
It was traumatizing.
Sana ay hindi ko na lang siya pinapasok sa buhay ko. I should've built a higher barricade between us.
Why do people enter your life only to destroy it?
"When did I say that, huh?! Please lang, Torri! Just leave! You're making the things worse!" Zillian's gray eyes were bloodshot while yelling at her.
Torri closed her eyes tightly, but eventually opened them again to try to calm Zillian down.
"Leave." Mariing saad ni Zillian kaya naman walang nagawa si Torri kung hindi tumakbo papalayo.
I was still on the floor, crying endlessly. Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang sapo-sapo ang dibdib.
My blurry eyes turned to see him when he crouched in front of me again.
"Don't believe everything she said, she's just making up stories. Please." He was begging me again. "Don't break up with me, please."
I shook my head repeatedly as I wiped the tears from my eyes. Patuloy lang sa pamamasa ang aking pisngi.
"I don't need someone like you in my life." My lips trembled when I told him that.
Wala akong pakialam kung nasasaktan siya dahil mas nasasaktan ako. Gusto kong magwala at pagsasampalin siya nang paulit-ulit.
"Hindi ko kayang lokohin ka at lalong hindi ko kayang iwanan ka."
Lies. Those were all lies.
I cried harder when I felt his lips pressed on my forehead.
"Aayusin natin 'to. Magpahinga ka muna sa ngayon."
I covered my face using my other hand while the other one was still placed on my chest. I couldn't breathe, sobs kept on coming out of my mouth.
"You'll never hear a thing from me again. I regret being with you."
I used all my strength to stand up and left him there staring at nothingness while still letting his tears fall from his eyes, he didn't even bother wiping it.
I ran away from him even though I felt so weak. I went back to where my sister parked her car earlier. She was still there, I'm glad.
When I entered, she was singing along to a song. Maggie opened her eyes and was instantly startled when she saw my current state.
"Oh, God. What happened? Why are you crying, Freinne?!" She held my hands and removed them from covering my face.
I bit my lower lip and tried to keep the sobs from coming out, but I couldn't. I was in so much pain that I don't care if my eyes swell again. Humahapdi na 'yon ngunit hindi ko na iniinda.
Mas masakit pa rin ang nararamdaman ko kaysa roon. Wala nang mas sasakit pa.
"Let's go home. I just wanna go back home." It was almost a whisper.
"Okay, okay. Just let it out." She worriedly dictated before starting the engine of her car.
I was aware that she was glancing at me from time to time while maneuvering the car home. I could even hear her heaving deep breaths. She also offered me a handkerchief. I accepted it but I didn't use it.
Nakatulala lang ako sa labas ng bintana habang patuloy pa rin sa pagluha.
Hindi ko alam kung kailan hihinto.
I didn't talk the whole ride. I didn't realize that we already got home. I just went out of the car and directly headed inside.
"Wait, Freinne!" I heard Maggie yelled while running after me. "What did really happen?" She was still worried as hell.
"Wala na kami." I simply said as I stepped onto the stairs.
She was left there hanging, shocked because of that sudden information. She was expecting that we would be able to fix our misunderstandings but things went differently.
I locked the door of my room before laying on my bed. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang sobrang pagkapagod.
I locked myself that night and didn't eat dinner with them, but I kept hearing Maggie outside, telling me to eat. I only refused her.
I didn't leave our house for school the next day. I don't want to see him, so I've decided to stay in my room. When I don't go downstairs to eat, the helpers will bring me a meal.
Gusto ko na lang mahiga at matulog. Wala akong gana sa lahat. I don't want to move, even my fingers.
I just finished taking a bath when I heard my phone ringing. I put on my clothes and dried my hair using my towel before going outside of the bathroom.
I sat on my bed as I reached for my phone that was also above it.
I tapped the answer button when I saw who the caller. It was Jia.
[Ate Freinne! Why were you absent again?] I can imagine her pouting her lips right now.
"I have a fever." I made that an excuse. I also faked a cough so she would believe me.
[Hala! We'll go there to visit you!] Mel's worried voice filled my ears.
[Send your exact address.] It was Tyra now.
Jia was with the two other girls just like what I've expected.
"It's fine. Don't bother going here." Matamlay kong saad habang sinusuklay ang aking buhok.
[Freinne, we actually don't want to tell you this but...]
Confusion instantly consumed me when Tyra muttered that in a hesitant voice. My brows slowly met while waiting for them to speak again.
[We always see Torri following Quinn wherever he goes.] Mel continued that made my eyes watered immediately.
I swallowed the lump in my throat before responding. "Hayaan niyo sila."
[Did you two have a fight because of her?] Narinig ko ang pag-iingat sa boses ni Jia nang tanungin niya 'yon.
I knew they already have a hint but still want to hear it from my own mouth.
"I have to bid goodbye now. Thank you for checking on me." I was obviously avoiding their question.
I felt guilty because I just hang up without even waiting for their reply. Ayaw ko lang pag-usapan. Iniiwasan kong mag-isip dahil bumibigat lang lalo ang dibdib ko kapag naaalala ko 'yon.
Several days had passed and I'm still here, locked inside my room.
My arms were covering my eyes while still lying on my bed when I heard loud knocks coming from the door of my room. Grabe ang pagkalampag na akala mo'y masisira na.
"Come out here, Freinne!" It was my mother's voice, full of anger.
My mouth gaped open but I didn't bother standing up to open the door for her.
"Open this!" She shouted. She kept trying to open it, but the door knob was just moving the whole time.
It eventually stopped, and all I could hear were her footsteps walking away from my room. Akala ko makakahinga na ako nang maluwag ngunit natigilan ako nang bumalik siya.
I heard the sound of the keys. She opened the door with my room's key. She wouldn't really stop until she finally face me.
She slammed the door loudly before walking towards me, raging with anger. She was glaring at me with her brows met.
"Did you already look at yourself in the mirror?! You're a mess!" Nanggagalaiti niyang saad habang nakakuyom ang mga kamay.
I was just looking at her without showing any emotions.
Go on, be mad at me. You're good at that.
"Why haven't you been attending school for days now? Just tell me if you already want to drop out!" She held my jaw tightly that a lone tear escaped from my eyes because of the pain it brought.
Ngunit wala pa rin akong emosyon kahit tumutulo na ang mga luha. Bumabaon na ang matatalas niyang kuko sa mukha ko. Pakiramdam ko ay magdurugo na 'yon.
"Just stop studying if you're going to continue being like that. You're such a failure ever since."
I know that. I never did anything that made her happy. Palpak. Laging palpak sa lahat ng bagay. A disappointment. A failure. The black sheep. Those were the things they think about me.
"Mom! Stop it!" Our mother aggressively let go of my face when my sister barged into my room.
"You're siding with your stupid sister now, Maggiana?!" Mom yelled in shock.
"Stop hurting her, please. She's been through a lot because of you, because of us." My sister went to me to wrap her arms around my body.
She looked at me with worried eyes when Mom finally left. I didn't realize that my hands were shaking, she held it gently.
"I'm sorry about Mom." She apologized sincerely as she sat beside me.
I didn't react on what she said.
"Can you tell me now what happened when you went to his place?" That caught me off guard.
Napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana at nakita ang araw na unti-unti nang lumulubog.
Kung pwede ko lang isama sa paglubog ng araw ang mga ala-ala kasama siya at ang sakit nararamdaman ko sa lahat, ginawa ko na, pero hindi 'yon ganoon kadali.
"Ate, why do people couldn't feel contentment? Why would they choose to have an affair even though they already have someone?"
Her mouth gaped open, indicating that she actually don't know what to say.
I envy her. She's currently in a happy and healthy relationship. Good for her. Her boyfriend treats her really well. I can see that he genuinely love my sister.
"Did he cheat on you?"
I told her what I witnessed when we went to his place. She was also feeling rage when I was telling the whole story.
"Did you already hear his side?"
"No, what for?" I chuckled humorlessly.
She placed her hand above mine and gently rubbed it.
"But what if you're just concluding things?" Kumunot ang noo ko dahil akala ko ay naniniwala na siyang niloko nga ako.
"I saw it clearly with my own eyes." Giit ko naman.
"Yes, but you still need to hear his explanation. Trust and communications are the things you must have when you're in a relationship." Pagpapaintindi niya naman sa akin at umayos ng upo.
"I trusted him." She didn't talk again, already surrendering because my mind doesn't want to process what she was insisting.
"Ma'am Freinne, gusto niyo po ba ng makakain?" Ate Linda suddenly showed up here in the garden.
I simply decided to go outside for some fresh air. I feel suffocated on the four corners of my room.
I laid my eyes on her and shook my head. "H'wag na po, ayos lang." I refused so she just nodded silently and left me alone again.
"Ma'am Freinne!" I held my chest in surprise when Ate Jen shouted my name.
Humahangos siyang lumapit sa akin. Napahawak pa siya sa kaniyang tuhod dahil sa pagkahingal. She looks so terrified, that's what I noticed upon checking her expression.
"What happened?"
"Ma'am, si Ma'am Farinah po, galit na galit! Hinahanap po kayo."
My brows furrowed instantly. Why is she looking for me again? Though, I'm not surprised that she's mad at me again. Nothing new, anyway.
I rised from my seat and thanked Ate Jen before going back inside. Naabutan ko sina Mom at Dad na nasa living room.
Dad looks so serious while Mom looks so mad, as usual. She stood up from her seat.
Pasugod siyang pumunta sa akin at hindi ko inaasahan ang sunod niyang ginawa. Sinalubong niya ako ng sampal. Tila namanhid ang pisngi ko roon.
I slowly turned my eyes on her. Namanhid ang aking pisngi habang nalilitong tumitig sa kaniya.
What did I do again?
Why did she suddenly slap me?
"You really had the guts to flirt with some stupid guy out there, huh?!" She screamed with her sharp eyes.
If looks could kill, I'd be probably dead by now.
My mouth dropped open as I realized what she had just said.
"W-what?" My lips trembled, the reason why I stuttered.
She finally knew about me having a boyfriend! Who would tell her that?!
Maggie.
She's the only one who I could think of!
How funny. Why did I fall from her trap? She was treating me nicely. Akala ko kakampi ko na siya uli. Those acts were fake.
Why... Why did I expect her to side with me this time? Just how fool I can be?
She betrayed me after all.
My heart clenched at that thought.
I feel so alone again.
My mother lifted her hand and was about to slap my face again when Dad stopped her by holding her wrist.
"Stop, Farinah!" His voice raised, but Mom was still fuming mad.
"We're paying your school for you to study, but what have you been doing?! Nakikipaglandian ka lang! Was that the reason why you couldn't get on top of your class?!"
Her words feels like multiple stabs in my chest.
Bawat salita, bumabaon.
My jaw was clenching as tears rolled down my face. I didn't bother to wipe it away.
"What?! You're not going to say anything?!" Galit na galit niya pa ring saad.
"Let's talk this out calmly, Farinah. Stop shouting at your daughter." Dad muttered in a calm voice, massaging Mom's shoulders.
"Daughter, huh?" She stated in a sarcastic voice. She smirked but her eyes says otherwise.
I'm tired of being her daughter. I even doubt if she still consider me as her child.
I didn't wish to be born either.
"Farinah!"
"What, Anton?!" She then turned at me again after facing my dad. "Hindi ka pa rin magsasalita, Freinne?!"
Kumuyom ang mga kamao ko dahil doon.
"Yes, I'm flirting with some guy! I couldn't get on top because I'm an idiot just like what you assume! I don't want to explain my side anymore, just think whatever you want. Curse me! Hurt me all you want!" I finally burst out while still crying.
I ran away from them and went directly upstairs. I entered my room and locked it.
I sat on my bed and laughed humorlessly.
I used to think that the world is so unfair, but I realized that I'm wrong. We think that the world is becoming unfair because of how cruel the people are.
I used to blame the world, but the people are the one who's at fault.
I snapped back from my reverie when I heard loud knocks coming outside of my room.
"Freinne! Freinne! Open this, please!"
Maggie.
What made her think I will open that goddamn door for her after finding out that she has been betraying me?
I let her knocked and knocked. Minutes had passed and I finally hear her steps, walking away from my room.
I was about to sigh in relief when I heard her again with the sound of the keys.
My eyes rounded when I saw how the door knob twisted because she was trying to open it.
Bumukas na rin ito at iniluwa siya. Punong-puno ng pag-aalalala ang kaniyang mga mata habang patakbong lumapit sa kinaroroonan ko.
She crouched in front of me and instantly held my hands carefully to check on me.
"Oh, God! I heard what Mom did to you! Are you still hurt?" She muttered while still busy checking on me.
I'm hurt and will always be.
I took back my arms away from her harshly. Maggie looked at me confusingly. Her eyes were already questioning me.
"You told them." I smiled bitterly and bit my lips to stop myself from crying again. "How could you do that to me?" My lips trembled, I couldn't stop the tears from falling again.
I feel so betrayed.
Her eyes got bigger. Why is she still surprised? Is this some kind of her act again?
"What?! Freinne! I would never do that to you! I didn't tell them about your relationship with him!" Her voice was almost begging me to believe her, but I just couldn't.
How could I after all of what happened between us before?
"Look at these." Saka ko lang napansin ang isang brown envelope na dala-dala niya nang iabot niya 'yon sa akin.
I was so confused but I accepted it and slowly opened it to see what was inside.
Nalaglag ko sa ibabaw ng kama ang mga laman niyon pagkakita ko pa lamang.
Those were pictures of Zillian and I on different places. There's one where we were under the Molave tree, inside the dance studio and even on the cemetery.
Who would fucking take that?
I felt shivers down my spine because of how creepy to think that there's someone who has been following us around.
"I got these from Mom's office." She explained and sighed.
I instantly felt bad because I instantly thought that she was betraying me.
"I'm sorry... but who would send this to Mom?" I asked, still confused.
"May isa pa, Freinne. Good thing, I was the one who got it. I just arrived home when I saw a man delivering this." She gave me a brown envelope again.
"Did you ask who the sender was?"
"Yes, but the delivery man didn't say anything and just ran away instantly." May inis sa kaniyang boses noong ikuwento ang nangyari.
I couldn't help but take a deep breath as I opened the brown envelope.
I stilled on my seat when I saw the pictures inside.
It was Zillian with Torri. May isa na nasa labas sila ng isang bahay. Mayroon pa na nakayakap si Torri sa kaniya.
Gaano katagal na ba nila akong niloloko at pinagmumukhang tanga? Is there something wrong with me that Zillian had the guts to cheat on me?
I began to wonder if I was lacking on something.
I felt my sister caressing my back gently when sobs came out of my mouth. She pulled me into a tight embrace and started combing my hair using her other hand.
"I would never forgive that man for what he did."
"Am I bad person? Everyone hates me. Everyone can easily hurt me. Lahat ba ng mga ginagawa ko mali? Ate, it hurts. It hurts so much that I just want to vanish from this world." I cried my heart out to her.
Hindi na halos ako makahinga dahil sa bigat ng nadarama. Ayaw ko na.
"Please, don't say that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for all the pain you've been carrying. You don't deserve all of that. I love you so, so much, Freinne." Her embrace tightened as she planted a soft kiss on my forehead.
I cried for hours on her shoulders before I finally dozed off to sleep.
When I woke up in the morning, my eyes were really swollen. I brushed my teeth and took a bath immediately.
I had planned to spend the entire day inside my room, but it was ruined when one of the helpers informed me that a man named Zillian was waiting for me outside.
"Please tell him to leave." Malamig kong tugon at nahiga sa kama.
"Okay po, Ma'am."
After an hour, the helper went back. "Ma'am, ayaw pa rin pong umalis. Gusto raw po kayong makausap."
Ang kapal talaga ng mukha na magpakita pa rito.
"Don't mind him." There was an annoyance in my voice this time.
Couple of hours passed when I decided to look outside the window. My brows furrowed when I saw that the jerk was still there. He was just standing and patiently waiting for me to come down.
I grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled it out of frustration. Mabibigat ang yapak na lumabas ako ng kwarto at bumaba. I went directly outside of our house.
I saw how his eyes glinted when he saw me.
"Faye! Please! Let's talk."
"Go home. You're bothering our helpers." Galit kong saad.
"Mag-usap muna tayo."
"Tanga ka ba o ano? Sinabi ko nang wala na tayong dapat pag-usapan. We're done." I harshly replied and clenched my jaw.
He bit his lips and shook his head. "I can explain right now. The thing you saw, it doesn't mean any---"
"No. I don't want to hear anything from you again. Get lost!" I gritted my teeth in annoyance.
"I need you, let's fix this. Please. I'm begging you."
I didn't expect what he did after! He slowly get on his knees and held my hands.
"Stop it! Stand up!" I commanded but he was so stubborn to even obey me.
"Ayoko na, Zillian. Tapusin na natin 'to."
The people who were passing by where curiously looking at us. We're catching the attentions of others.
"Hindi ko kaya, Faye. Hindi ko kaya." Kasabay nang paglaglag ng mga luha mula sa kaniyang mga mata ay siya ring pagbagsak ng ulan mula sa kalangitan.
"We can still fix this, right? Please, hear my side willingly." He still doesn't want to stop even though we're getting drenched because of the rain.
Napasapo ako sa aking noo at magsasalita na sana noong may sumingit bigla.
"What's happening here?!" Mom's loud voice thundered.
"Jen! Call the security!" She shouted and Ate Jen instantly did what she was told. Mom headed inside because of the rain.
I crouched to level my gaze with Zillian.
"Please, go home already. Tama na. Bumitaw ka na kasi pagod na pagod na rin ako. Masakit na." I pleaded as I caressed his face for the last time.
"Is that what you really want?" He asked, his voice was full of pain. I nodded slowly so he also did.
"I-I hate to let you go, but if that will really make you happy, then I will do it even if it means losing you. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm really sorry." He muttered in between his sobs.
Tumutulo na rin ang luha ko habang pinapanood siyang mabagal na naglalakad papalayo sa gitna ng ulan. He didn't wait for the guards to drag him out. He stood up from kneeling and walked away on his own.
He stopped midway and slowly turned his head to look at me.
He gave me a smile. A sad one.
I turned my back and shut my eyes tightly while holding my chest. It hurts a lot.
Hanggang kailan ba ako masasaktan? Kailan ba matatapos 'to?
I just hope I wouldn't regret my decision. It's for our own good.
Mas mabuti nang itigil kaysa ipilit pa.
Days had passed after what happened between us. I'm still locked inside my room, crying every day and night. Sometimes I would just stare at the ceiling when my eyes are di finally tired from producing tears.
I decided to get up when I thought of going to the garden.
I was walking like a lifeless man when I passed by my parents' room. The door was slightly open so I could hear the cries coming from there.
I stilled when I realized who it was.
I slowly opened the door and saw Mom sitting on their bed while hugging a picture frame.
"I m-missed you everyday, my Elli."
I covered my mouth to stop the sobs that were trying to escape out of it.
She was hugging Iyah's picture.
It slowly dawned on me why she was crying.
Today is Iyah's death anniversary.
I flinched when memories from the day she passed away started flashing through my mind like some movie scenes.
My eyes automatically shut tightly as my hands trembled in fear.
Iyah running. Truck passing by. Blood scattered on the ground.
It was still fresh from my memory.
"H-hindi ko ginusto. Hindi ko sinasadya." I didn’t realize I was already muttering that to myself.
I held my head as my legs dropped on the floor.
I didn't want her to die.
"Freinne." I looked up when I heard that from my mother. My sight were blurry because of the tears.
"You! You were the reason why my daughter died!"
I know that but it hurts more when I heard that from my own mother's mouth.
"I didn't want her to die. I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I couldn't almost breathe.
Tila may nakabara sa dibdib ko habang umiiyak.
She went to my direction and crouched. "Why? Why, Freinne?! How could you be so careless?!" She placed her hands on my shoulders and started shaking me harshly.
"If only you didn't go out that day! If only you stayed here with her, that wouldn't happen!"
I bit my lips and tried to say something.
"Sana ako na lang ang nawala. I didn't ask to be born." Puno ng hinanakit kong saad habang patuloy pa rin sa pagluha.
Why am I even here?
After she died, I didn't do anything but to wish that it was just a dream. Hiniling ko rin minsan na sana ako na lang. Bakit siya pa?
Bakit hindi na lang ako ang namatay noong araw na 'yon?
"Y-you're the one who said that." Mom said after she remained silent for a long time.
"Because that's what you exactly want to make me feel! You want me gone! All of you!" I shouted and pulled my hair in frustration.
I want to disappear. Forever.
I'm not worth of anything. I've been trying to please them all these years, but all I get were harsh words from them.
"You're a failure."
"You're going to embarrassed us."
"You couldn't even get on top?"
"Such a fool."
Stupid. Idiot. The black sheep.
They're making me feel like I don't belong in this family. They want me gone. I could feel that.
"Si Freinne!" I heard one of my classmates exclaimed when I entered the room without looking at them.
"Wow, naisipan niya nang pumasok after ilang weeks!"
"Buhay pa pala siya." They all laughed when one of them said that.
I sat on my seat and just waited for the teacher to arrive.
"Miss Freinne Legazpi. Are you listening?" My attention was caught when I heard the teacher mentioning my name.
I looked in front and saw her, brows furrowed.
"You just showed up now. You didn't even take the final exams. Your rank will surely drop."
Failed grades. Failed relationship. Family who thinks of me as a burden.
What else?
I chuckled at that thought.
"Miss Freinne!"
I looked back at Miss Valdenor before standing up. "Excuse me."
The whole class reacted violently when I went out of that classroom. I saw Zillian on his seat. He was quiet as if he doesn't care about his surroundings.
That's better.
I directly headed to the nearest restroom.
No one's inside.
I entered the last cubicle and sat on a closed bowl.
Kinapa ko ang bulsa ng palda ko at inilabas ang laman niyon.
Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang inilalabas ang ilang mga tableta roon. Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo. Apat. Lima. Anim...
Labing lima lahat.
Tumutulo ang luha ko habang sunod-sunod na inilagay sa bibig at nilunok ang mga 'yon.
My sight was getting dark and blurry. I unconsciously held my chest when I felt it tightening. I couldn't breathe.
This is the best way to end this pain I've been carrying for years.
I felt myself dropping on the floor as my eyes closed and darkness finally consumed me.