Diana Penelope's POV
The spring's pretty today, and I'm here at our place for the first time since the incident happened. It's not because I don't want to but because they won't let me go here. I guess I got lucky today that I made my dad say yes and even make him go with me.
I'm glad that my dad brought me here when I'm supposed to be in the office with him doing paperwork and whatnot since I started training in my grandfather's company a year after you left. I know I'm too young for the task but I have no other things to do other than school stuff, so I accepted it. Besides, there is a big catch because I'll be getting money and knowledge from it.
You should be turning eleven in ten days and I'll be turning thirteen in four more months. We promised to celebrate each other's birthdays but you didn't come to mine and I wasn't there in yours. You said we are best friends till the end, but why do I feel like you ended it?
They say you didn't make it and I blame myself for what happened even though it wasn't my purpose to put us in that situation in the first place. Funny because even after everything that had happened after you left, I still have faith that you're going to show yourself someday. I hope we're still friends when that happens though.
Speaking of friends, you know them, right? You also know I'm quite popular in school so having friends isn't a problem for me, but I still choose not to associate with them. You can be annoying but still makes me giggle at your goofiness. While them, they can only be annoying and that's it.
Three years have passed but it is still raw in my memory. We are just kids but things happened so quickly and right after I opened my eyes, you were gone. I hate that they all act and talk like you didn't exist, as if we didn't meet. I hope you come back... I miss my best friend.
"Dad, I want to stay here a little longer."
A frown immediately forms on his face. I know he wouldn't let me, not with his busy schedule.
"But I still have a conference to attend. Which nanny do you want me to call for you?"
We have three at home but they are not just nannies because they also do household chores.
"It's okay, I can manage myself."
I can't let my nanny watch me soak in tears or frown in sadness because I'm still grieving for what had happened in the past. Especially now that I'm here at our hangout.
"Is it okay if you just call the driver to pick you up here? I really have to go now, Penelope."
"Yes dad, you can go now. Thank you for bringing me here."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay, be careful."
Sana sumama nalang ako kay dad imbes na nagpaiwan doon. Pero hindi ko ginawa at kahit ibalik ko man ang oras ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung makukuha ko ba ang sarili ko na hindi malinlang dahil bata lang ako noon. Napaka-inosente at walang muwang ko pa dati tungkol sa mga bagay at mga taong masasama.
Sa totoo lang ay nawala talaga sa isip ko na pupunta si Ben doon kaya nu'ng sinabi ni Madison sa'kin na doon nalang kami pumunta sa pinaka malapit na bahay na meron ako ay doon ko siya dinala ulit sa Casalinga ng hindi man lang naisipan na isa o dalawang beses sa isang buwan pumupunta si Ben doon para gawin ang trabaho niya.
But I don't care if he's taking care of the pond. I still hope he dies in the most painfully and stupidly way possible so that everyone will know what kind of a man he is. Brainless and disgusting! I'm not just attacking him because he's a disgrace to our bloodline but also because he's done so many things that any person can be disgusted by him.
"Penelope."
I instantly jolts as a voice called me from behind. All I know is that I'm alone right now because dad has left almost two hours ago. And I didn't expect to see uncle, Ben.
"Hello, uncle."
I smile at him so he won't notice my not so calm reaction to him earlier.
"Mag isa kalang ba ngayon, naasan ang daddy at mommy mo?"
There's care in his voice that makes me feel somewhat safe knowing that he's here even though I wanted to be alone.
"It was just me and dad but he already left for a meeting."
"Tsk, sayang naman hindi na kami nag abot ng daddy mo. Ikaw iha ano ang ginagawa mo pa dito? Hindi ka ba natatakot mag isa ka lang?"
This place is too familiar for me to be afraid of.
"I'm not afraid, this is my safe place."
"Hindi ka pa pala nakaka kiss kay uncle. Mag tatampo na si uncle Ben niyan sayo."
I'm hesitant to kiss uncle Ben at first but I also don't want to make him feel bad so I decided to kiss him on the cheek. Right when I'm about to pull away he immediately grabs my back and pulls me for a long hug. I'm already starting to feel anxious and scared because he's now touching my boobs and my back.
"Uncle Ben I —I can't move..."
I'm still trying to pull away from him but he's too strong. He even starts kissing my face and now I don't know how to react because his face is scratching mine. He has a sharp beard and it's hurting and itching my face. I want my dad to be back.
"Ang laki mo na pala at ang ganda pa na miss ka ni uncle."
I'm too stunned at what had just happened so I just stand several inches away from him and nod my head in confusion.
"Lumapit ka nga kay uncle ang layo mo naman."
Again, my heart starts thumping after he says that. I have no idea why but I now feel that I need to stay away from him.
"Umm... I need to pee first!"
I say as I ran swift enough to get into the house and lock it. I can't let him in because there's an idea that he might follow me in.
Simula nu'ng nangyari 'yon ay halos palagi na nangyayari 'yong pa simpleng paghipo niya sa'kin kahit na nandoon pa ang parents ko at bilang bata pa ako noon ay iniisip ko nalang minsan na walang malisya 'yon.
Napakababoy niya talaga. Hindi lang 'yon ang nangyari dahil minsan ko narin siyang nadakip na binubusohan ako dati nu'ng naliligo ako kaya pala naka open yung upper window ng bathroom ko sa Casalinga. Tapos ang sagot niya sa'kin ay may inaayos lang daw siya sa labas ng bathroom ko. What a dumb-ass lie.
If he can do disgusting things to me what more about other people? The worst part is that I wasn't able to do anything about it and I still don't have the power to do so. His family also has a lot of connections but not as potent as ours, because I know theirs is just full of unlawful ties.
But what I'm exactly afraid of is that our names will be ruined because of him. If I sue him, I know his family members won't accept that their favorite member in the family has molested a kid and other unknown teenagers. I'm sure they'll do everything to ruin us too.
I have him spied when I came to understand what he have done to me when I was still a kid. I was grossed out when I first hear about it but I also feel sorry for those girls who was a victim like me.
I admit I'm too coward to do anything about it now but I hope someone will.
One time we have a recollection at my high school and some students brought up the topic of groping and rape. They said that the two aren't similar and comparable enough for someone to act as if they were done badly if he or she was groped or being groped. I was so enraged the whole time they were talking and even until now I'm still annoyed by the memory.
"Diba bro? Wala talaga silang karapatan para mag inarte na parang nagahasa na sila kung hindi naman talaga nila naranasan!"
"Aba talaga! Ito ngang si Jessa titingnan ko lang sana 'yung kulay ng suot niyang shorts pero kung makasigaw akala mo kung type ko siya e ang pangit naman hahaha!"
These airhead boys have no idea what they are talking about. They don't even know what it's like to be in the position. So how can they fvcking tell like it's nothing?
Either of the two, we girls and boys don't deserve to be treated like that. Not because you weren't treated less than the others, doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel mad about it.
I hate that I'm grouped with these jackasses. I and Jessa are the only girl in the group and she's also not saying a word, but I can tell that she's just as infuriated as me. And now that they're mentioning my name, I just want to pounce on them.
"Right, Penelope?"
"Penelope my love diba my point naman kami?"
I didn't agree nor answer but it didn't cut me for not glaring at them. Oh just how much I want to slash their throats for saying nonsense.
"Tsk. Galit na tuloy ang crush ko. Ito kasing si Bryan ang daldal masyado!"
Even though how much I wanted to talk and defend myself and others that had experienced molestation, I can't.
I can't because I know once I open my mouth I'm sure going to react badly and they will know that I'm a victim too. The thing is I don't want to be seen as vulnerable nor even to be treated poorly just like what they're doing to other girls that seem like prey to them.
I'm aware I'm being stupid and coward right now but I'll do anything to protect my agony.
I may dislike what they were saying but I fvcking hate Ben. He's the reason why I'm scared to accept boys to take part in my life. He's the reason why I had trauma for being touched by someone. And he's the only reason I still get paranoid.
Kung may tao mang nakakaintindi sa sitwasyon ko ay malalaman niya kung bakit ganu'n nalang ang pakikitungo ko kay Ben. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung bakit umaakting siya na parang ang bait niyang tao sa harap ni Madison kahapon. Tapos kung maka salita pa ay akala mo kailangan niya talaga ng trabaho e pensyonado naman siya at may pera.
If he's an actor, he deserves a Grammy for being a villain.
"Penelope, my darling, what are you still doing at this hour?"
'What about you mom, why are you still up?'
Pero hindi ko magawang masabi 'yon sa kanya kaya pinahiran ko nalang muna ang luha sa mukha ko bago tumingin sa kanya para bigyan siya ng pilit na ngiti. Bumawi din naman kaagad ako ng tingin at napayuko nang lalo siyang naglakad palapit sa'kin.
"What's this?"
Hindi na ako sumagot dahil alam kong malalaman niya rin naman.
"Are you seriously drinking coffee at this hour? Have you gone insane?!"
Hindi ko gusto kapag ganyan na 'yung tono niya. Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin na kay Madison ko nakuha ang idea na 'to kasi alam kong mag iiba na ang pananaw niya sa kanya kapag ganu'n.
But coffee seems to be the best option for keeping my mind awake to analyze a problem that I haven't got to rectify, until now.
"I know, mom. I'm sorry..."
"Before you go to your room just throw that garbage and clean this mess. We can't wake up the maids, they're already sound asleep."
Kailan pa naging basura ang coffee? Nakakainis man 'yung sinabi niya pero wala na akong magagawa dahil ganyan talaga siya. I'm glad na hindi ako nag mana sa kanya ng pag iisip.
"Little bitch drinking coffee at two in the morning. And here I thought only lunatics will do that."
I don't know if I should feel hurt or mad at what she said. Masyado na ako maraming iniisip ayaw ko ng idagdag pa siya. Bago pa man siya ma kalayo ng tuluyan ay nag lakas loob na ako para hingan siya ng tulong.
"Mom wait!"
"What?"
Sa tono ng boses niya parang wala siyang pake sa'kin pero ang bait at mukhang perfect mom naman siya sa paningin ng ibang tao. Alam kong hindi maganda ang ugali niya minsan pero sana sinusubukan niya ring intindihin ako na anak niya, nag iisang anak niya.
"It's about Ben."
"What about your uncle Ben?"
"Yeah, Ben."
"It's uncle Ben, Penelope. Show your respect for the elders."
Don't deserve that title, he's just a relative. It's irritating for me to pretend I care with such relatives. When I barely even care about the first-degree relative. Plus, I won't pay him respect. Not after what he did to me.
"Can we find a replacement for him?"
"I don't see anything wrong with why we need to find a replacement. Ben is doing his best for the job."
Doing his best? Nakakatawa naman 'yan. Wala naman masyadong aayusin doon sa Casalinga pwera nalang doon sa tulay. Ano ba naman kahirap 'yung papakainin niya 'yung mga isda ni dad, diba?
"Mom, please let me at least find his replacement. I'm sure there are still younger men that can do many times better than him for the job."
'Yung mas mapagkakatiwalaan at disente.
"I don't think you're dad will approve that, plus our family owes him for saving your dad's life. Besides they both love fishing so if you don't want your dad to lose a fishing buddy, think wide enough."
"But mom—"
"No but's, just go to sleep."
Dismissing me, again. Palagi naman haha mabuti nalang at kaya ko ang sarili ko dahil kung hindi ay baka matagal na nila akong iniyakan.
I don't know what he did to my dad for him to trust him and actually be close to him. But fuel in both families is very obvious especially when we're having family reunions. All I'll be seeing and hearing would be lies and fake stories. Specially with grandpa's and his side of the clan.
Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang matulog dahil sa mga na aalala at naiisip ko ngayon. Tama nga si Madison effective talaga ang black coffee. Kahit sobrang mapait ay pinilit ko parin para hindi lang makatulog at magka-nightmare. Palagi nalang kasi at minsan paulit-ulit pa ang mga nangyayari sa panaginip ko nakakasawa din. Dagdagan pa ni Ben, pagod na ako.
Right when I'm about to change my clothes my attention drift to the picture on my nightstand. There we were dressed up as fairies with smiles evident on our faces. I still can remember how happy we were, it was our second playdate.
"Hold my hand, please."
"Where are we going to?"
"I know a place where we can play all day long without being bored because there's a lot of things we can do there!"
"I can't go. My mama will look for me if she noticed we are gone."
"Silly, of course, we will ask your mom and my nanny to take us there."
"But I don't know if my mama will let me..."
"Trust me they will."
I know they will, they always do.
"Mama!"
She exclaimed as we run in the direction of her mom.
"Mag ingat kayong dalawa juskong mga batang 'to!"
I laugh knowing she doesn't understand a word what her mom is saying. She can only speak and understand English, unlike me I'm good at both but I'm more comfortable talking in English because it was the first language I knew.
"Basa na ang likod mo, anak naman sinabi ng huwag mag habulan eh."
I don't know why her mom keeps talking in Filipino with her. She should know that her daughter doesn't understand what she's speaking.
"Where's my nanny?"
"Kumuha lang ng meryenda niyong dalawa sa loob. Ikaw Diana halika nga at titigngnan ko kung basa rin 'yang likod mo."
I obey her and she starts fixing my hair as well as my flower crown.
"O'yan ang ganda-ganda niyo na ulit. Dali picture muna kayong dalawa! "
I immediately pull her in for a hug as I tell her to smile for a picture because I know her mom wouldn't translate what she had said for her to understand.
"You look pretty in our picture, Diana!"
"So are you, Phoebe."
Hindi na dapat kita na aalala pa dahil matagal ko nang tinanggap na wala ka na at hindi kana babalik pa.
Pero bakit ganito bumabalik na naman ang mga alaala mo? Kada-pipikit ako ay mukha mong masaya at nakangiti ang nakikita ko. 'Yong mga panahon na masaya lang tayo ngunit biglang papasok din 'yung nangyaring aksidente at 'yung mga mata mong nagluluha naman ang nakikita ko. Ayaw ko ng ganito, patahimikin mo na ako!
Hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay parang guilty pa rin ako sa nangyari sayo. Pinagsisishan ko naman na 'yung nangyari sa atin noon bakit hina-haunt pa rin ako ng mga alaala mo? Ayaw ko na... matanda na ako ngayon.
Please, Phoebe... I'm so sorry.