Chapter Twenty-Eight: Breathe
Hinayaan ko ang malamig na ihip ng hangin na isayaw ang mga hibla ng buhok ko. I embraced myself and caressed my arms. Tyler's confession still lingers in my head even though I purposely get out of the car to inhale some fresh air in hopes to lessen the pain I'm feeling.
Naiiyak akong isipin ang mga nangyari kay Tyler na wala ako. I want to latch him for not trusting me enough to take in the truth that he was sick when we were still together. Sana nandun ako. Sasamahan ko naman siya, di ko siya iiwan. Nakakapanghinayang ang mga taong lumipas na pawang muhi ang nararamdaman ko sa kaniya. Na pawang masasakit na alaala ang naiisip ko sa tuwing naririnig ang pangalan niya, o ang makakita ng mga bagay na makapag-alaala sa akin sa kaniya.
I was so busy hating him in the days he is suffering from an illness.
I keep on hating him while he always think of what's best for me.
And I feel so guilty.
Nahigit ko ang aking hininga nang pumalibot sa'kin ang white coat ni Tyler.
"Thanks for listening, Angelie."
I stiffened when I felt his presence behind me.
Ang hirap paniwalaan na lahat ng iyon ay nangyari. He got sick, got scared to die and leave me, so he took the risk and deliberately hurt me to forget him because of the very slight chance of him to live.
Ayaw niyang iwan ako kaya gusto niyang gumaling at mabuhay. Pero iniwan niya pa rin ako dahil kailangan.
"T-Tell me..." I muttered in shaky voice as I faced him. "magaling k-ka na ba?" Natatakot kong sambit.
I'm praying that he is. It's been years since he left to be operated and now he's back, looking healthy and fine. Please...
He nodded. "God is good. He saved me from the operation. It was successful and I survived."
Bigla akong nanghina at muntik nang matumba kundi lang naging maagap si Tyler at nahila agad ako. My face found his chest as I cried in silence.
Salamat sa Dios.
He survived. Magaling na siya...
Pumalibot sa'kin ang mga braso niya at mahinang hinahaplos ang buhok ko.
I don't think I could think sane if he's still not well...
God, I love him...ayaw ko siyang mawala.
"I said those things not to gain your pity. I want you to know the truth. That the reason why I left is not because you're not enough." I felt his kisses on my head. I closed my eyes and listen to his beating heart...his brave heart. "Always remember and never forget that you are more than enough. You're so precious that a coward like me shouldn't be with you. Yet, here you are...in my arms."
Ang pagkapit ko sa damit niya ay mas humigpit.
His words fueled my heart to beat like crazy. The pain that found home in me just vanished and replaced by the feeling that I missed the most, peace.
In peace, I could think straight. In peace, I could feel vividly...and in this peaceful moment inside his embrace, I clearly felt and understand...that he is part of my peace. At pag wala siya...di ako mapalagay, di ako mapayapa.
Natigilan ako at napatingala nang maramdaman ang patak ng ulan. Nagsalubong ang aming mga mata. Ngumiti ito na may kinang sa mga mata. Like a sea as sun rises, it's glistening with joy and hope.
"We need to go back." Saad nito at lumuwang ang pagkakayakap sa akin para ipantabon ang mga kamay sa ibabaw ng ulo ko. I was about to take off his white coat on me para kaming dalawa ang matatabunan sa mga patak,
"Let's go, love." He urged me to move as the drizzle became heavy.
I bit my lower lip as my breathing hitched hearing the endearment he used to call me. And yes, I missed hearing it from his mouth.
Nagsimulang kumulog at lumakas ang ulan nang makarating kami sa sasakyan. Agad na pinatay ni Tyler ang aircon sa loob at may inabot sa back seat.
I brushed off the drops that are on the coat when I felt a soft thing pressed on my hair. I raised my head and found him sitting close to me with a white towel on his hand.
He blinked when our eyes met and blushes. Naibaba nito ang kamay na ginamit para punasan ang buhok ko. Although hindi naman ako gaanong nabasa dahil mas inalala niya ako kay sa sarili niya.
He's more drenched than I am yet he's more worried of me.
"Y-You might get sick." Mahina nitong saad saka lumingon muli sa'kin at dahan-dahang ipinagpatuloy ang pagpunas sa buhok ko. "I have a spare shirt you could use." He cleared his throat and just focus his eyes on my hair. "K-Kung ano... kung gusto mo l-lang naman." Nahihiya nitong sambit.
Kumurap-kurap ako at inabot ang kamay nito na may hawak na towel. Umawang ang bibig nito nang mahawakan ko ang kamay niya.
"L-Let me." I gulped and take the towel from him.
Mataman pa rin itong nakatitig sa kamay nitong wala nang hawak. Tila hindi ito makapaniwala. Inayos ko ang pagkakaupo ko para makaharap sa kaniya ng kumportable. I reached for his hair and wipe it too with his towel.
Nagkatitigan kami. My hand froze and I can't blink nor breathe properly. His eyes went on my parted mouth. Napalunok kong tinikom ang bibig ko but his thumb reached for my lower lip and lightly brush it.
I inhaled through my mouth at the same moment when his head descended and covered my mouth with his. Awtomatikong bumitiw ako sa hawak na tuwalya at kumapit sa balikat niya.
I closed my eyes and accepted his every caresses with his lips. Tila may maliliit na kuryente ang nagagawa ng mga labi namin. It's making my senses heightened and I could feel my blood rushed, my heart beats so fast and my mind just exploded into fireworks.
His hands palmed both sides of my face as he titled his head and kissed me more with another level of intensity. I willingly welcomed each stroke his lips and tongue will make.
Mas humigpit ang kapit ko sa kaniya. My other hand found his nape and I also clung my slight sanity on it.
This is him. My Vince that I love and love me selflessly that embraced pain by leaving and breaking me. Nasaktan siya nang saktan niya ako, nasaktan siya nang lumisan para harapin ang walang kasiguraduhan at iwan ako na may malaking muhi sa kaniya. He planned it out for my faster recovery if the news of the unsuccessful operation will reach me. Kung sakali...kung sakaling malalaman ko man ang pagkawala niya ay hindi ako maaapektuhan ng sobra. Kung sakali ay mabilis kong matatanggap... He really did think of every possibility, and most are for my own sake. How could he take it as he went on the operation with a slight chance to make it alive? How painful must it been to him imagining that I will soon be happy with someone else? Gaano kasakit ito sa kaniya? Pa'no niya nakayang pagdaanan ang lahat?
He left to be well for me.
He planned to hurt me to forget him.
He accepted pain just for me to be happy someday...even if that happiness does not includes him.
He is so selfless.
And I'm in love once more, deeply in love once more of this fool. My fool, my Vince, my twig, my peace.
"I love you. I love you." He whispered in his ragged breathing.
Our forehead kissed against each other, our breaths fanned our faces.
Ipinatong ko ang mga kamay ko sa mga kamay niyang nasa magkabilang pisngi ko. I held on each and pulled them together closed to my lips.
Madiin kong hinalikan ang mga kamay niya. My tears dropped on his hands, my happy tears found the reason of their creation. This is the hands of the man whom I love since I was sixteen.
"D-Don't ever leave me again, V-Vince, please..." I looked up to him.
His mouth as if in awed and gently smiled. He reached for my face and kissed my tears away.
"Never."
~✧~
[Oh? Sure! Sure! Mas makakabuti nga kung bukas na kayo bumyahe para safe.]
Naiiling akong natatawa sa tuwang naririnig sa tono ni Mommy sa kabilang linya. I thought she wouldn't let me stay the night with a man in the city which is too far from our hometown. Like I'm their only child na di na nga bata. Masyado na akong malaki para alalahanin pa. But still...well anyway, mas mabuti na rin din iyon. Basta nagpaalam na ako, and my parents giddily agreed.
Sawa na ba sila sa pagmumukha ng unica hija nila?
"Mom—"
[—or much better if you stayed there until the typhoon is gone. Let say, three days or—]
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko.
"Mom! Uuwi k-kami bukas. I'm sure the road won't be that slippery since di naman dito satin direktang tatama ang bag—"
[—B-But it might be... dangerous? Kung ang pinoproblema mo ay ang trabaho mo sa lunes, well fortunately—I mean, unfortunately suspended ang pasukan for a week.]
Nalipat kay Vince—Yes, it's been a while and I missed calling him with his chosen name that he wanted me to call him— ang atensiyon ko nang lumabas ito galing sa kusina at may dala-dalang dalawang tasa ng umuusok na kape. He already changed his clothes into a simple white pullover and a black khaki shorts. He looks casual yet still looks dashing.
Inilapag nito sa mesa ang mga ito saka umupo sa tabi ko. Napalunok ako nang ang isang kamay nito'y sa sandalan nakapatong specifically sa may likuran ko, and his torso is facing my direction...then he caught my eyes watching his moves. He cocked his head, smiled and mouthed 'I love you'.
Umawang ang mga labi ko sa malakas na pagtibok ng puso ko. I could even feel the hand that I'm using while holding my phone, trembled.
He chuckled and took his cup and sipped while never taking his stares at me.
"Oh my gosh..." Mahina kong usal ng wala sa sarili.
[Why? What happened? Are you okay?]
Napakurap-kurap ako at umiwas ng tingin kay Vince at pilit na iniignora ang presensiya nito. Muntik ko na tuloy makalimutang kausap ko pala si Mommy sa kabilang linya.
Gosh, why does he needs to be so...
"I-I..." I cleared my throat when it became husky. "I'm okay, basta I'll inform you if uuwi na...uhm, k-kami."
Mom heaved a relieved sigh, [Alright. Enjoy kayo. Magdalene said na may stock naman ng pagkain diyan since may tinalaga silang magbantay at maglinis from time to time, so I won't worry. Take care, sweetie, and do send my regards to Tyler!] The call ended.
Tita Magdalene? She knows?!
I gasped and my hand went on my mouth as I faced Vince. His expression changed seeing my face. Agad itong mas lumapit.
"W-What happened? Are you o—"
"—your Mom knows I'm here!" Bulalas ko sa nanlalaking mata.
Kumunot ang noo nito at dahan-dahang tumango.
"Yes. She called earlier since Tita—I mean your Mom informed my Mom that we can't travel back at Beachwood yet. Is there any problem?" Puno ng pangamba ang mukha nito.
His mom knows that I'm in their house?! Kaming dalawa lang ng anak nila? Oh no. Ano kayang iniisip nila? Especially remembering Mom's giggle was full of malice! They can't be thinking green, right?
What will be Vince's opinion if he'll know that the thought of us just alone in their house is making me...think of inappropriate things especially when it's so cold and raining—gosh thoughts! Stop it! He's not that type of man and you're not that type of girl!
Tama!
"N-Nothing..." Mahina kong sambit at sumandal sa sandalan ng sofa. Napahigit ako ng hininga nang mahina nitong hinaplos ang kanang pisngi ko.
Lumingon ako sa kaniya. He's sitting so close to me...I can't properly breathe.
"Tell me what's wrong, love..." He muttered and place some strands of my hair behind my ear.
Oh, gosh sanity. Hold tight.
"I c-can't breathe..."
"W-What?! Wait, lean forward—" Hinawakan nito ang likod ko at mahinang tinulak ako ng bahagya. His face is so determined as he stood and changed the position of my feet. Tigagal akong nakasunod sa ginagawa niya.
"V-Vince, wha—"
Seryoso itong tumingin sa'kin pagkatapos niyang ipatong ang dalawang siko ko sa magkabilang tuhod ko.
He gulped. "Unclasped your..." Tumikhim ito at umiwas ng tingin. "y-your bra...please."
Umawang ang bibig ko at napaupo nang diretso. Nagpanic ito at ibinalik ako sa position ko kanina.
"Please don't sit straight for awhile. This position will help you breathe easi—"
Oh, my stupid mouth. Nasalita ko ba yong nasa isip ko kanina? That's why he's making me sit like this? And to unclasped my...bra...
Oh my gosh...
"Vince, I'm o-okay..." Nahihiya kong saad at napakagat sa labing napayuko. "I am...okay..." Mahina kong sambit at tinampal ang bibig sa kagagahan.
"Are you sure?"
Napalunok ako at tumingala sa kaniya na puno ng pag-aalala ang mga mata.
This guy... really...
I smiled and tap the space beside me. "Upo ka nga."
Magkasalubong ang mga kilay nito at kahit parang naguguluhan ay umupo sa tabi ko at humarap sa akin. "Sigurado ka bang okay ka na? Nakakahi—"
He stopped talking as I embraced him tightly. I smiled while closing my eyes as I leaned my chin on his shoulder.
"Mahal kita at pinapatawad na kita. Mahal na mahal kita..." I bit my lower lip when his arms around my waist tightened. "Na-missed kita..." Gumaralgal ang boses ko. "Missed na missed kita...wag mo na akong iiwan, a-ah?"
Napamulat ako ng mga mata nang ilayo niya ako sa kaniya. Agad akong napakapit sa mga balikat niya. "Ayaw mo ba akong kayakap?" Naiiyak kong tanong. His eyes are bloodshot. Umiiyak ba siya?
Akmang yayakapin ko siya ulit nang umiling ito at kinulong ang mukha ko gamit ang dalawang kamay niya.
"Gusto kitang halikan."
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at awtomatikong nanghina at napapikit nang gawin nga ni Vince ang gusto.
I want it too.