CHAPTER 9

SAD

After that conversation with mama hindi na namin yun ulit napag usapan, well it's actually a waste of time talking about him.
Nagising ako ng maaga for this day, naligo na ako at bumaba. Nana was even surprised because I woke up early.
Nag breakfast na din naman ako. Ash will pick me up just like what he did for the past months. I kinda don't like the idea of it actually because it's scary. I'm getting used to it.
Maagang dumating si Ash, kaya maaga din kami nakarating sa school, the eyes of people looking at us didn't escape. Meron pang mga nag bubulong-bulungan.
Hinatid ako ni Ash hanggang tapat ng classroom namin. "We'll have lunch together okay?"
I nodded. "We always do that." he smiled. Pumasok na ako sa loob at nakita ko don si Max na nakangising nakatitig sa akin.
Naupo na ako sa tabi ni Max. "Labas tayo mamaya! ipapakilala kita ki Adrian." aniya na pakunot naman ang noo ko. Bago pa man ako makapag salita ay nauna na sya. "Kaibigan ko yun at wag kang mag alala hindi kayo talo" napa tango tango naman ako.
"Okay."
"Oh mamaya ha after uwian." tumango ako.
Nagsimula na ang klase namin. It was tiring, ang dami naman kasing kailangan sauluhin. Well what do I expect? law student ako eh.
Kami na lang ang naiwan ni Max. Max cough fakely kaya napa tingin ako sa kanya, tinuro niya naman ang pintuan.
I saw Ash coming inside of our room. I smiled. I wasn't the person who always smiled, I mean I would always have the cold and bored expression.
I am happy for what is happening between us, but how I wish I wasn't that afraid of commitment.
"Zyra mauna na ako may date ako eh!" si Max na bago pa man ako makapagsalita ay iniwan na kami. Babaeng yun talaga!
Napatingin ako ki Ash. "Where do you want to have lunch?"
Nagkibit balikat ako. "Cafe?" tumango naman sya. We start walking papunta sa cafe dito lang din sa labas ng campus.
Naupo kami ni Ash he asks what I want to eat then he orders us our food. "Let's have dinner."
"When?" I ask, knowing that I have dinner later with Max and Adrian.
"Tonight."
"I can't may pupuntahan kami ni Max, can we do it tomorrow?" he sighed heavily and nodded. Dumating na din ang pagkain namin.
We eat peacefully and happily. I know I shouldn't be happy because nothing is clear between us but I guess I like it this way, I hope I could tell him that I love him through actions. I am not a showy person but I hope he could see it.
"Can I come with you tonight?"
"I'll ask Max, I'll text you." he nodded.
Pagkatapos namin mag lunch at tumambay kami sa library ng mag time ay hinatid niya ako sa classroom ko, I ask Max if he can come and of course she said yes!
Well I like it actually that Ash will come. I texted Ash that he can come. He replied and said that he will pick me up.
Hinatid ako ni Ash sa bahay. Naghanda na din ako kaagad, sakto naman na pag baba ko ay ang pagdating ni Ash.
"Nana alis lang po muna kami." pagpapaalam ko ki nana since wala naman si mama. Pinag buksan ako ni Ash ng pintuan.
"You fine?" Ash ask. Napatango naman ako.
Seriously, I don't know what to feel right now. "What's bothering you?"
"Wala, iniisip ko lang yung napag usapan namin ni mama." napa tango tango naman sya. I texted Max at andon na daw sila. Malapit na kami ng biglang may tumawag ki Ash.
Napatingin sya sa akin bago sinagot yun. It was connected to the car kaya rinig ko rin. His jaw clenched. "Ash!" a girl crying in the other line was calling his name.
"Why did you call?" Ash asks.
"Mamita is mad at me again!"
"You need to get used to it."
"No! what if makita nya yung apo nya?! that can't be!"
Liniko ni Ash ang sasakyan at nag park na hindi sinasagot ang umiiyak na babae sa kabilang linya. Ng maka park ay saka lamang muling nagsalita si Ash.
"You can't force people to like you, I'll call you later." si Ash at pinatay na ang tawag. Napatingin sya sa akin. Nag iwas ako ng tingin.
Nasa isa kaming bar dito sa Biliran. It was just a small bar but it's fine to hang out in a place like this.
"She's just a friend."
Sino ba nag tatanong? napatango na lang ako at kinalas ang seatbelt.
"Hey are you mad?" napailing ako.
"No. May rason ba para magalit ako?" may karapatan ba ako? I wanna said it to. Umiling naman ako. "Tara na naghihintay na don si Max." tumango sya.
Bumaba na kami mula sa sasakyan nya. Dahil alas nueve pa lang naman ay wala oa masyadong tao kaya nahanap ko kaagad si Max. Naglakad kami ni Ash patungo kung saan sila naka upo.
Napatayo si Max ng makita ako agad nya akong niyakap. I never thought that we will be friends, well months pa lang naman but then I guess I'm starting to forget what I always told myself that I would rather be alone than lose anyone again in my life.
"Zyra this is Adrian." napatango naman ako, naglahad ito ng kamay at tinanggap ko naman yun. I know him! he's the manager of our cafe.
"I know him," I said.
"You did?" nakakunot ang noo ni Max, napatango naman ako.
"He's the manager of our cafe." I said. "And si Ash." pakilala ko ki Ash ki Adrian. At dahil alam ko na hindi sya straight eh nakita ko ang malandi nyang paglahad ng kamay ki Ash.
kinindatan nya naman ako. Nakita ko na sya dati nun at naka usap na din. He was actually a good friend. Yes we somehow became friends.
Yun yung time na halos magkulong lang si mama sa kwarto kasi umalis si daddy. He was actually my mother's scholar.
Naupo na kami, Ash held my hand. It's friday so there's no problem kung magpapa-gabi kami ngayon.
I rested my head on Ash's shoulder. I took the shot glass but before I could put it in my mouth hinawakan na yun ni Ash at may binulong sa tenga ko.
"Only few shots okay?" his baritone was a whisper. I nodded. Binitawan nya yun at hinayaan akong lagukin ang inumin.
I'm getting happy, I think. But of course sadness could never escape it is part of me. I think it's part of every person's life.
Dumami na din ang tao sa bar meron pang mga nakakakilala sa amin. Ash kissed the temple of my head.
The cheering boomed when people started to sing on the stage. Everything was okay not until....
"Here!" sigaw ni Max at Adrian. Napa baling ako sa kanila.
No way I'm gonna sing!
"Oh doon daw!" agad akong nilapitan ng I think manager slash emcee? malay ko. Ash snaked his arms around my waist.
"You don't wanna sing?" si Ash. But the people starts to yell for me to sing lalo na ang iba ay kilala pa ako.
"It's fine." sabi ko at tumayo na. Isang kanta lang naman eh. Isa lang.
What the hell am I gonna sing?! the mic was given to me, nakatingin sa akin ang mga tao at natahimik din nag hihintay kung anong kakantahin ko.
I only have one song in my head tonight.
"If you could see me now," I sing the first line of the song. Everyone cheered. I will continue. "The one who said that she'd rather roam '' I am not comfortable with what am I singing tonight, bakit ba ito lang ang nasa isip ko? "The one who said she'd rather be alone.... If you could only see me now,"
"I've been too long in the wind, too long in the rain. Taking any comfort that I can, looking back and longing for the freedom of my chains and lying in your loving arms again" I will just repeat the chorus and I'm done here. People are watching me intently, napatingin ako kina Max at nagtama ang mga mata namin ni Ash, nag iwas ako kaagad ng tingin.
"I've been too long in the wind, too long in the rain. Taking any comfort that I can, looking back and longing for the freedom of my chains and lying in your loving arms again…"
When I finish it ay bumaba na ako sa stage at ibinigay ang mic sa manager, everyone requested for another song but I don't want anymore.
Sadness crept in me, it was my supposed favorite song back then. My dad used to sing that to me every night. It was a lovely song back then but now it gives so much meaning to me.
Naupo na ako sa tabi ni Ash, I hug him. I feel like my tears will soon fall. The manager thanked me for singing.
The music boomed again and everyone was in their wild self. "Sasayaw lang kami Zyra '' I heard Max. I remain my head in Ash's chest. Tears pooled down in my cheeks.
"You okay?" napatango ako. "What's wrong?" umiling ako. He tried to get my chin so our eyes could meet but my hug became tighter, I don't want him to see me crying. Instead of doing it again he just hugged me tighter.
When I finally recovered, kumalas na ako sa pagka kayakap ki Ash, I hate and I love it how can his arms make me so safe and comfortable. I wish I could stay there forever.
Inihilig ko ang aking ulo sa balikat nya, his arms is around my waist. "You sing so good," he whispered. Max and Adrian was still on the dance floor. Leaving me and Ash still alone here.
"No I don't." he chuckled. Tiningnan ko sya ng masama. "What?"
"I really like it when you're annoyed" he said, pinalo ako ang braso niya he smiled more. "I'll pick you up tomorrow for our dinner" umiling ako.
"No. Magkita na lang tayo in one place." he sighed.
"Fine. Whatever you like."
I was about to get the shot glass but Ash got it. "No more shots."
"Just one more. Please?" he sighed heavily and gave it to me.
"That's the last one huh," tumango naman ako at agad na ininom ang alak.
I suddenly feel like I don't know myself everytime I'm with him. I think I become a different person whenever we are together. In nineteen years of my life I already accepted it to myself that no one can stay forever with me, it's noy just because forever was too long but also because I don't think someone can put up with me. I am too sad that sometimes I forgot that there is someone who's beside me and ended up leaving me because I cannot give the attention they need. And that's the reason why I always tell myself that I rather be alone than lose anyone else.
Bumalik ang dalawa, lasing na si Max kaya napagkasunduan namin na umuwi na, may dala si Max na sasakyan at dahil lasing na sya si Adrian na ang mag d-drive para sa kanya.
Hinatid naman ako ni Ash sa bahay, nasa tapat kami ngayon ng gate. I don't wanna go, I feel like I just wanna stay with him forever. Hinilig ko ang ulo ko at tumingin ki Ash na nakatitig sa akin.
"You gonna miss me?" umirap ako. "Let me na sunduin ka bukas. Umiling ako.
"You can't may pupuntahan muna ako bago ang dinner natin."
"Saan?"
"Sa cafe namin," I am going there to check if everything is okay, nasabihan ko na din si Adrian na pupunta ako don. Somehow I want everything to be okay when it comes to our business. Yun na lang natira iwawala pa ba namin?
"Then I'll come with you."
"Ash. Even if I want to, I can't." I don't want him to be with me when I visit our cafe because it's a surprise visit, I just want to know why sometimes mama doesn't go home. "Just please? I will be in our dinner."
Sa huli ay pumayag sya na hindi nya na ako susunduin. We will have our, hmm... maybe I can call it dinner date. Well yeah we will have our dinner date in Biliran since don lang naman may be a mall and restaurants.
"Good night. I love you." I smiled at agad na bumaba.
I love you too Ash. I wish I could tell it someday in front of you, I wish that the fear in me for commitment will soon fade. Maybe I don't say I love you too but Ash I can assure you that I love with all I can give.
Dere-deretso na ako papasok ng bahay hanggang sa kwarto ko, pagkasara na pagkasara ko ng pintuan ng kwarto ko ay pumatak ang luha mula sa mga mata ko.
How stupid am I to cry. I am happy right? I am! I should be! I hate it, how can't I say that I love him!
If ever my life would be a book I am sure that the readers will complain to me for being too sad. Well guess what sadness isn't anymore a choice.
Even if you try to be happy and look for the brightest positive side, darkness and sadness will always say hi to you every night after your all long happy day.
Morning slaps us with reality while evening comforts us. Maybe darkness is scary but somehow in darkness you can express yourself, you could admit that you're tired. And in darkness it allows you to dream.
At the end of the day the lesson we all learned is that no matter how much we try to be happy, if we don't heal from our childhood it's still nothing. There will always be scar, there will always be wounds that could never close that whenever you tried to be happy it will hurt like hell.
Now all I want is to enjoy this moment with Ash, I wanna try to live my moments now. Not thinking about what will happen next.
I think I would just let myself be happy with him, I just hope that this time my life won't disappoint me.