Messy hair. Oily face. Chaotic surrounding. Hungry stomach. Nervous soul. Unwanted ideas. Not prepared for everything. Heavy heart.
That's what I can describe for my feeling right now.
It's still 4 am, I decided to fix everything.
It is because my conscience didn't let me to have a soundly sleep last night, it didn't let me sleep at all. Light's happy faces are always floating on my mind, even if I don't want to think about him.
Especially when I remembered all his care for me.
After those scenes on the rock, Light invited me to have lunch because it's past noon already. And I directly agreed because I felt my stomach growling already and of course his treat.
––
"Is it okay to you there?" he asked pointing to a restaurant full of people. "This is place is far from the city and don't have plenty restaurants. And this one is the only place I can see that is clean and safe. So is it okay to you? Or we'll just go to the city?"
I immediately nodded my head.
"That's fine. In fact, we can eat everywhere. I'll be fine," i answered.
Light looked at me intently like he's looking if i'm really telling the truth and when he saw nothing to me but seriousness, he nodded also.
"All right. Let's go."
He carefully held my elbow to lead me the way.
"Do you feel tired?" he asked.
I quickly glanced at him and shook my head.
"What are you feeling right now then? Do you feel some unnecessary feeling?" he concernly asked.
I lightly chuckled and shook my head again.
"I'm completely fine," i answered.
He chuckled also.
"Just making sure," he defended.
After that we fell into silence again, especially that we already arrived at the restaurant.
It's really full of people.
"Careful," he said as he lead me the way inside.
"Excuse us," he politely said that made me smile.
Who would have think that the ruthless person in suit can be a soft person in a khaki short?
I mentally chuckled and wipe my thoughts away.
I looked up to look survey the whole place.
Light's right it's really clean and neat. I hope that the food here are also delicious but from the people inside, it would never come back and the number would people would never go like this if the food isn't delicious right?
But–
"What the fuck!!" My thoughts suddenly fade away when i heard a strong and furious voice of Light.
I came back to my senses and looked at him who's looking furiously at my back.
Out of curiosity i also looked at my back.
"Don't you see she's here?!" Lights voice thundered that made the people look at him.
"Man, i'm sorry. I'm too preoccupied. I'm sorry," the man Light is talking with apologized.
"She's pregnant! What if something happened to her?! Huh?!" Light roared.
My eyes widened because of it.
They're talking to me?!
"W-wait, Light," i called him.
"I'm really sorry, but my elbow didn't even hit her," the man said.
"But what if, you're fucking elbow hit her?!" Light angrily asked.
"Light!" i called and faced him.
He was looking darkly at the man but when i slightly pat his arms, he immediately looked down using his tender eyes.
"Are you okay?" he softly asked.
I directly nodded.
"Of course! You don't need to shout to him," i said.
"But he almost hit you! What if he hit your stomach?" he asked furiously but concern is evident on his voice.
"But it didn't happen!" i said.
"What if it happened?" he asked.
"Light!" i exclaimed.
"You're over! You shouldn't shout at him like that! Nothing's even happened to me! Stop saying your what if's, you're in fault," i authoritively said.
Light took a sharp breath.
"Fine. I'm sorry," he apologized.
"Not to me, you apologize to him." I pointed the man on my back.
Light sharply exhaled again before raising his head towards the man at my back.
"Sorry," he flatly apologize.
––
That was one of the things, that i can't forget of him being caring to me. And i can't help but to always think about it. It just felt so surreal, never in my life i experienced those kind of caring. I almost got hit by a vehicle, i was punched hardly on my stomach and many more but no one ever dared to defend like that.
Yesterday, i considered it as the best experience i encountered in my while life but in incorrect setting.
It's wrong.
It's not what i plan.
I planned to tell him everything yesterday but it didn't go like it. In fact, the things that happened yesterday made my situation worst and my plans chaotic.
Yesterday while Light and I were still together, I unexpectedly wished that I was really pregnant. I suddenly asked that I didn't plan that. I wished that I was really carrying Light’s son. Because of my pretense, i experienced appreciation and genuine care. Even if let's just say that it for wasn't me but to Light's believed his son. But i really felt the genuine care that i didn't feel towards the people around me before Blaire comes.
I felt his concerns, his love, his care and everything. I really feel that. Deep down in my soul.
But as i came back home, that's when i realized how wrong it was. How thick-faced and assuming i am to wished for those kind of things. I realized that i'm not on the right place to wish for it. I'm not on the right place to feel those feelings. It's all wrong and this whole night, i realized and decided that i really need to make it right. Before things would go late. Before things would worsen even more.
And with the help of my eager conscience, a little bit of bravery and a little bit of courage. I did the thing that i should be doing yesterday but because of those unexpected things, i'm doing it right now.
Exactly 11:59 right this evening, i chatted Light.
'Light, hi.'
'Uh..I am sorry I only dared to tell you this here. I know it's better if i tell you this personally and that's what i planned those past days but it didn't happened as planned. I should have told you yesterday. But my braveness left me so I'll just say it here.'
'First of all i'm so sorry. Really. I hope you'll understand me, I did this for purpose. I hope. I just hope that you'll never close you heart and mind after reading these. Please, hear me out and please leave a space on your mind to understand me, to understand this and everything.'
'Do you still remember the day, I posted on
your timeline saying things that made you horrified, even your friends?
That was planned. I planned it, for a purpose. I'm sorry i'm not gonna tell you yet what purpose it is. Soon, i'll tell. I hope you'll let me.'
'And because it was planned. Of course it wasn't true. I'm not really pregnant and you're the father in fact we didn't meet even once, our met-up yesterday was our first meeting in person. I just made a story for you to know me and for me to know you also, again it has a purpose. Everything that i said to you wasn't all true.. It's all a lie.'
'I'm so sorry, but i want you to know that for all the things you did to me. I appreciate it a lot, as in a lot. I felt things that i didn't feel in my whole life. Knowing you was the best thing happened in my life, thank you so much for that memory Light.'
'If you're done reading this, please let your self be curious about the purpose that i'm saying. I promise you'll never regret it, it's worth it. This is it for now. Thank you and I'm really so sorry.'
'Do back read.'
I exhaled sharply after reading the messages i just sent to Light in facebook. It's not seen yet, that made me more anxious. Because anytime by now, Light will be reading it. I can't wait to see his reaction, whether it's bad or good. I'll accept it, i deserve it especially his bad reaction.
I thought telling him personally is better, but i was wrong. I'm not brave enough to spill all my lies towards him in person. I'm not a brave person, and i'll never be.