Art
I look at her being confused.
“Why?” She asked me.
I only shrugged at that not wanting to stay and talk with her any further. It’s not that I don’t want to but it’s more like I can’t. The last time we talked for so long, when we were up on the mountains, she had one of her attacks. I just can’t bear with myself that because of me, she’s experiencing those hideous things inside her head – in her life.
She’s still looking up at me, but I ignored her and is now walking away. I did not look back as I continued to walk outside the building.
I guess it is what it is. The past cannot be undone and the present is still affected by it. We can never have a normal relationship. It’s enough that I can see her every day, see her smile, and see her mingle with others.
I looked forward, not wanting to look back, but every time I’m trying not to, I almost do.
I sigh and put my hands inside my pockets. I should visit the mountains today, it is the only place that could make me feel at peace even with what’s going on in my mind.
The accident that happened between us, did not only traumatized her, it has also traumatized me. I only realized this lately, when her friend, Carmela, asked me ‘what happened to you?’ at the balcony when we had a movie marathon.
I grew up blaming myself for what happened. Even my parents, although they did not say it out loud, I know they blame me. Trisha’s parents, and maybe deep down, Trisha blames me too, she just couldn’t remember me.
I was traumatized that I drowned, traumatized that I almost died, and was traumatized by the look on Trisha’s face when she saw me a year after the accident. The way she reacted to my presence, as if I’m really her living nightmare.
I got to my car at the parking lot when I can feel someone is following me. I looked back.
She stopped following me, shock written across her face then she looked down.
“I-I’m sorry for following you.” She’s there standing shyly as if she was caught stealing candy from the fridge when she was told not to. She’s looking at the ground, not wanting to meet my eyes.
Trisha
I don’t know why I followed him, but he gave off a vibe that I felt when I saw Ella on the bridge when she decided to end everything. I’m afraid he would decide to end everything too, or I’m just being paranoid and he’s just being his normal self.
“Why did you follow me?” I look up at him. I can see hurt in his eyes, no, not just hurt but an agonizing look in his eyes. Then I realized his arrogant, bored, and annoyed look on his face were all his masks to hide what’s really underneath.
“Are you okay?” I slowly walked towards him as if I’m trying to gain the trust of a hurt puppy. I reached my hand out to wipe a tear that ran down his face.
I expected him to shove my hand away but instead of shoving it away he just let me wipe it and he even closed his eyes to feel my hand against his cheek. I cupped his cheek slowly then he looked down and cried, feeling my hand even more.
He looks so vulnerable, different from the image I created inside my head whenever I think of him. I thought I saw another side of him before, but this side is not ‘another’ it has always been there, I was just too blind to notice it.
He slowly knelt down, maybe because of too much grief. What really happened Art?
I knelt down and hugged him. I let his head rest against my chest as I caress the back of his head, trying to calm him down.
We knelt there in silence. The parking lot is empty right now, maybe because the students who had their free time are at the field wanting to take a glimpse of the soccer team training. The rest are having classes, others would be at the study area or library. Students rarely pass by here, unless they’re getting their cars.
He pushed me slowly and looked up at me.
“I’m sorry.” He said.
“O-oh it’s okay.” I scratch my cheek feeling shy as I look sideways.
He looked down again, resting his head against me. I can hear him chuckling.
This guy can truly change his mood quickly huh.
He stopped chuckling. “I’m sorry…” This time he said it softer and it feels like he has something else to say but decided to just shut up.
He slowly stood up and I watched him do so. He then offered his hand and helped me to get up. He smiled down at me and opened his car door.
“Do you want to go with me?” He asked me.
“Where?” I asked him.
“Nowhere.” He answered shortly and smiled at me.
“Okay?” Nowhere seemed familiar. I got inside and he closed the door.
He got in and started the car. We then drove off somewhere.
He started to play some music.
“I remember you like Clayson, right?” He asked me as he played one of his songs.
“Yeah.” I smiled at him.
“What else do you like?” He suddenly asked me.
I look at him, shocked that he started the conversation.
“What?” He looked at me and chuckled. “Why are you so shock?”
“Well, it’s just that, you’re making small talks with me.” I told him.
“You don’t want me to?” He raised his eyebrow while still looking at the road.
“No, no. It’s not that. It’s just after we went out last time we never really got the chance to talk again, just the two of us.” I told him.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.” He replied.
“Nah, it’s okay. I understand we were busy with university works and all that.”
“Well, you did spent lots with time with Chris lately.” He said as if teasing me.
“That’s, that’s because w-were lab partners!” I suddenly defended. “Nothing more!”
He laughed at that. “Okay, okay. No need to get worked up about it.”
“Hmmmp.” I folded my arms and look at the road.
“So, how are you and Chris then?” He continued to ask.
“There’s nothing going on between us.” I replied.
Why does it feel like I need to prove to him that nothing is going on between me and Chris?
“Hmmm, really? But you did went out on a date with him.” He stated.
“Y-yeah, but it was a friendly date.” I told him.
He only shrugged and kept quiet.
“How about you?” I looked at him.
“What do you mean by how about me?” He asked but not looking at me.
“I mean, do you have someone whom you went out on a date?” I asked, I’m honestly curious about his love life. Does he even love someone romantically?
“Well…” He paused as if thinking then he looked at me and smiled.
“If you’ll allow me to consider this one as a date, then I have you.” He then winked at me.
I can feel my cheeks burning up so I look at the road again. Why did he say that? I did not expect him to say that. Is he okay? A moment ago he was crying and now he’s teasing me.
I heard him laugh, and I glanced at him, his dimple is showing up.
Art
After crying in front of her, I decided to be selfish again and to be myself. No more hiding, no more fears, even for just this moment. I want to spend time with her, not minding the past, and hoping no attacks would occur. And if this would go well, I want to formally ask her out. Looking forward to the future and not letting the past hold me – hold us back.
Of course, the future is still uncertain, and although this would go well, sooner or later, her family would be aware that we’re spending time together. I don’t know how they would react to that.
I decided to just let it be. I want to cherish this particular moment with her, not minding what will happen tomorrow.
I appreciate her not asking any further what happened back at the parking lot. She did not pry and respected my decision not to open up, although I know she's waiting for me to open up, but I just can't.
After dropping her that line, she did not respond and we remained silent, listening to Clayson’s songs. I would glance at her every now and then, smiling. And sometimes our eyes would meet, and she would look away immediately.
“Are you feeling awkward because of what I said?” I asked her dropping my smile.
“N-no, it’s not that. I was just taken aback.” She responded.
“I’m sorry.” I told her sincerely. I shouldn’t have told her that. Now she may think I’m weird or something.
“It’s okay. So, midterms is getting closer. Are you ready?” She changed the topic.
“I don’t know. I don’t even think the information and lessons are still inside my memory.” I told her as I shrug.
She laughed. “Yeah, me too. It’s like everything seemed to just enter my mind and would leave after the class.”
“Hmmm, really? Trisha Petersen? The Trisha Petersen, does not remember her lessons? Impossible.” I told her with an exaggerated expression.
She laughed at that. Ugh! Her laugh is really the best. I would pay anything to hear her laugh every day.
“No! It’s true. I usually just cram. I know it’s unhealthy but what can I do? I just can’t seem to remember the lessons.” She defended herself.
“No!” I said with fake exasperation.
“Yes!” She said as she laughed again.
I chuckled and then asked her. “Hey, do you want to go north?”
“North?” She asked.
“Yeah, a road trip north.” I told her.
“Until where in north particularly?” She asked.
“Until we’re tired.” I answered.