Epilogue 1
The orphanage was not as Cailen remembered.
The outside still looked tall and intimidating, at least to Cailen, but the inside had changed completely.
Where there used to be dull beige walls, there were light blue walls, decorated in the children's paintings.
There were also large photo displays along the main hall that lead down to the playroom and then the bedrooms.
In the displays, there were photos of many different children, all with bright smiling faces, some playing in what he recognized as the playroom, some playing outside on the structure he remembered well, and some sat down to eat the food the orphanage made.
The inside no longer looked rundown. It looked like a nice place, a happy place, but he knew better.
He knew all too well that the smiles on those kids' faces were only a glimpse of brief moments.
He knew that not even half an hour later of these picture being taken, those kids probably didn't have a smile on their faces anymore.
It wasn't the orphanage's fault, he knew that. It wasn't the staff or the kids’.
It was this place.
You could put all the paint in the world on the walls, you could have photos of kids going on field trips or meeting their idol, because there was always some celebrity looking for a bit of good press.
But it wouldn't change the fact that this place was filled with little kids who didn't have a family.
Kids who have been dropped off, their parents no longer wanting them.
Kids who have lost their parents to a horrible accident.
Kids who have lost everything they cared about and who were expected to put on a smile so some family would come and say 'I want that one' and take them 'home'.
So the new paint and the more welcoming looking hallway didn't fool Cailen.
And he knew he was right in not falling for it when they walked in and saw a little boy sitting in a chair outside of a door with his feet hovering over the ground.
Cailen and Asher had just walked in, the heavy door slamming shut behind them- not that the kid seemed to notice.
It was a bit overwhelming to be back here, to see that kid sitting there, his head hung so his dark brown hair fell in front of his face.
It reminded Cailen too much of himself sitting in that chair.
He knew all too well what the slumped shoulders and the tight grip on the armrest meant and it had him gripping onto Asher's hand even tighter.
Asher seemed to sense something was wrong, though it could have just been the way he was squeezing his hand, and stopped walking to look at him, but Cailen wasn't looking at him.
He was looking at the boy who now seemed to notice he wasn't alone anymore and looked up towards them, tears running down his cheeks.
They stared at each other for a second longer, a ghost of an ache cutting through Cailen's heart, and then the boy was hastily wiping at his face, his brown eyes squeezing shut as he visibly tried to calm himself.
It was too much for Cailen.
"Cai, are you okay?" Asher asked quietly.
"Ash," He said, turning to face his husband.
"We are not leaving here with a kid, just because. Whoever we bring home is staying." Cailen explained, not sure if he was doing a good job of explaining himself and why this was so important to him.
Asher frowned at this, reaching up to thumb at Cailen's cheek softly and nodded.
"Of course, love." Asher replied, his eyes darting between the kid and Cailen.
It took him a second to understand, but then Cailen could tell that he did understand and then he was being pulled into a quick kiss and a hug that Cailen curled into, needing a moment to pull himself from the flashbacks currently running through his mind.
Flashbacks of his walk of shame back to the playroom, of the other kids' faces when they've realized he was returned again, of crying into his pillow every night because he felt so alone. So unwanted and so unneeded.
The sound of a door opening and footsteps sounding in the hall broke them apart, though not completely, and together, they watched as these 'parents' said the parting words.
The boy was facing them, the parents with their back towards them.
Cailen couldn't help but feel a bit proud of the boy and how you couldn't even tell he had been crying a minute ago. He knew it wasn't easy to pull off.
The boy put on a good show, his face looking a bit bored as the people said their goodbyes.
He was a bit surprised when the boy looked past them and right at him, a look in his eyes that really did remind Cailen of himself.
Maybe it was that reason Cailen just knew what the boy was going to do.
Maybe it was because the boy really did remind him of himself that he sent him a comforting smile and an approving wink, the boy smirking right before he promptly stomped on the man's foot and took off down the hallway.
The couple was a bit startled but they didn't appear surprised, as if this wasn't the first time they've had their foot stomped on by the boy.
Maybe it wasn't, but either way, it had Cailen smiling to himself because he wished he had thought of that.
The employee that had followed them out of the office quickly apologized on behalf of the little boy, the couple basically brushing her off and shuffling down the hall to the door.
Cailen tried his best not to laugh at the couple, though he was positive he didn't succeed, as well as tried his best not to scream at them and tell them what horrible people they were.
That's when the employee noticed them, making a surprised noise and making her way over to them.
"Oh, hello. You must be Asher and Cailen." She said happily.
She had short blonde hair that was curled into ringlets that bounced when she moved her head. Her green eyes were hidden behind thick framed glasses, making her look like a principal with her white blouse and black pencil skirt. Beneath the red-lipped smile she wore was a nervousness, probably over them witnessing what just happened.
Oh, if only she knew.
"Yes, I'm Asher and this is my husband, Cailen." Asher introduced, extending his hand which she shook.
"Hello, my name is Emily. We spoke on the phone." She said to Asher but extended her hand to Cailen which he took. "If you'll just follow me into the office, we can get started." She said, leading them down the hall and into the office.
Cailen wondered if anyone was taking care of the boy.
In the office, they took a seat in the two chairs in front of a desk and watched as Emily made her way around to the chair behind the desk.
"Okay, so are you familiar with the process of adopting?," Emily asked, shuffling through a filing cabinet until she pulled out a folder with a couple papers inside.
Asher looked at Cailen with a raised eyebrow, seeming unsure of what to say here.
"Yes, I am familiar with how it's done." Cailen said, his hand finding Asher's.
"Oh, have you adopted before? Because your file says this is your first time?" Emily questioned, opening the file she had in her hands- probably theirs- and reading it over before looking at Asher and Cailen.
"Well, actually... Cailen was..." Asher began but trailed off, looking to Cailen to continue.
"I was an orphan here actually. So I'm quite familiar with how it all works." He explained, his voice sounding tighter than he'd like.
He didn't want to seem rude... It wasn't Emily's fault this place was a bad part of his childhood.
"Oh," Emily sounded surprised, the papers in her hands now forgotten. "Really? That's-" Emily seemed like she wanted to say something but thought better of it and just smiled. "That's good then, I don't have to explain as much." She said, trying to work around the sudden awkwardness.
Emily briefly went over the process anyway and Asher and Cailen both listened, not wanting to seem rude. Emily seemed like a nice person, she was always smiling and kept the conversation going as she lead them down the hall to the playroom even though Cailen remembered the way well.
She asked if they knew if they wanted a boy or girl or if they knew what age range but Cailen just told her they didn't care, that they just wanted someone they connected with, gender or age didn't matter.
Emily seemed happy about that, if not somewhat surprised.
He figured a lot of people came in here saying they wanted a little blue eyed blonde-haired girl, as young as they could get and that was why a lot of kids ended up back here.
When they reached the playroom, they could hear the children playing before they actually entered. When they did, they saw a room full of small children, most of them around the age of four or five. But there were a couple older ones sitting by themselves in the corners.
Cailen had another flashback of himself sitting in one of those corners and was thankful for Asher's arm around his waist, keeping him stable.
It was a bit weird and a little overwhelming from this side of the process.
As they walked further into the room, kid after kid looked up at them with hopeful expressions and Cailen kind of wanted to cry.
He knew that look. He knew the thoughts behind it and the tears that would follow later at night when they hadn't been taken to a new home.
A little red-headed girl, probably about four years old, smiled up at him, her green eyes wide and sparkling as she looked up at him with hope shining in them. Another little girl beside her, this one blonde with brown eyes and about the same age, also smiled up at him with the same hopeful expression.
Behind them was a little boy with blonde hair that was running around with a toy plane in his hands, fake motor noises leaving his mouth, but he stopped when he spotted Cailen and Asher, his face changing into an excited, hopeful expression as well and Cailen couldn't take it anymore.
He couldn't handle these children looking at him like that, knowing what they've been through and knowing that he couldn't take them all home with him.
It was too much.