I have many experiences that I won't forget, that I know will be imprinted on my heart even as I grow old.
And I thought it would only revolve around the moments of acceptance and recognition for me, my name at the top of everyone, and every time I went up on stage to be applauded by all.
I thought those were the only experiences that would remain important to me.
I thought nothing would equal or surpass that.
Turns out there was.
Ever since Lucian accompanied me and taught me to come out of my shell, I considered that experience as one of the important ones and something I won't forget.
Memories that will visit me everyday and remind me that once in my life, I bravely tried something.
That even if it was just for a moment, I felt true happiness. In a way that most people might not like, but what did it matter to them? If that was what put a smile on my lips.
From then on, that became one of the happy memories I would carry. His advice to me in his calm voice would lull me during times I was afraid.
In the darkness of the night, the sunlight from those hours was what I saw and what calmed the shivers that threatened my sleep.
Turns out I couldn't only find happiness in awards and praise because I felt it more when I finally looked up at the sky.
It's happier when you follow your heart. It's happier when you don't listen to other people's voices. It's happier when you choose yourself.
Since when did being happy become forbidden?
Even if it was just for a while, I felt it. And everyday I will be thankful that I experienced the gentle flow of the world, where I didn't drown but was instead cradled by its soft waves.
Because of that, I learned to rest when needed. I still studied well, like before but I was lighter on myself.
I listened to myself more than before.
I hope so.
I beat Lucian by two points in the elimination round so I was the one who competed and I successfully got the champion award.
The days passed quickly and we focused more on different things after that competition.
Until the year ended, those in senior high school graduated, including us in junior high.
I got the valedictorian award and the applause of everyone was deafening.
But I guess there are times when things end or change that you don't expect.
Along with us stepping into a new chapter of life, he suddenly disappeared.
Lucian and I didn't see each other anymore.
I didn't hear anything from him anymore.
Until I just accepted the truth that our friendship wasn't forever, but it would remain important to me.
That's how it is, some people come, some people leave. But what matters is that it taught us a lesson.
I entered Grade 11 and studying became more meticulous. The subjects were heavy, and so were the expectations because in STEM they said you should be smart, quick-thinking, you shouldn't need to be taught everything.
I don't know, I don't really believe that. But even so, I still put in double the effort.
Until the time I had been waiting for the most arrived, but also the time that made me the most nervous. UPCAT season or the entrance exam for the University of the Philippines.
"We're enrolling in a review center. You too, Celestine?" Mia turned to me.
We're still together until Senior high, except for Kent who took TVL.
I just smiled while writing.
"I don't know yet," was all I said.
"Come with us! It's cheap per session, and you even get a book," Darah also invited.
"I'll think about it..."
"It's scary though, I read a lot that the exam is hard," Jennie chimed in with a pout.
I put down my ballpen and closed my notebook. We were gathered at the back and talking. I joined their conversation, one of the things that changed about me is that I talk more often now.
"What program are you targeting?" I asked.
"Engineering but maybe not." Mia joked and laughed.
"Me, I want something related to Arts but maybe my Mom won't allow me," Darah said with a pout.
"Probably Biology or Psychology," Jennie answered simply.
"I'm gonna do film, screw anyone who says there's no money in that. Like fuck you, bitch!" Janna blurted and even gave the middle finger to the air.
We all laughed because of that. We were all talking about college now. This was a big decision for us. Whatever field we choose will dictate the path we will take.
It's hard to make a mistake now. I agree that you should take what you really want, what matches your interest. But I also can't blame others who gave up what they wanted to fit into the world.
"This is already good, just revise the last part of Chapter 2 and add more existing studies," our research teacher said with a smile.
I'm at the faculty right now for a consult. I'm the leader so I'm the one who often goes to her or gets called.
"How about the interview? Can we start already?" I asked.
"Not yet, you'll all start together. The other groups aren't ready yet. I'll also give you the consent form," she replied to me.
"Okay po, Ma'am. Thank you po!"
I got our paper from her and went out of the faculty. The other leaders from my section greeted me.
"Lots of revisions for you guys?" Toni asked.
"Just a few, they're just adding some things," I answered.
If I was sleep-deprived in junior high, it's even worse now. The contests I join are still there so that also adds to my hours.
So when I get home I'm either asleep or I manage to help Mama when I finish my tasks properly.
"What? We're enrolling in the review center on Saturday! Come with us, Celestine," Mia offered me again after a few days passed.
"Probably not, I also have trainings on Saturdays," I answered.
"What a waste!" Jennie commented.
"Just leave it, she's definitely gonna pass anyway. We need that more," Janna said.
"You have a point, pointless," Darah said absentmindedly while shaking her head.
"You're so corny. That comeback of yours 'tangina ka' isn't even connected!" Mia shot back at her too.
I joined their laughter. As we grow older, we're getting further from innocence so I guess cursing at each other is normal now.
Even on the way home I couldn't get the review center they were talking about out of my head. The truth is, I used trainings as an excuse but I really didn't have money to pay for it.
It was cheap compared to other review centers they were talking about but it was still expensive for me.
I decided I would just review on my own.
And that's what I did for a whole month. I tried to squeeze in studying for the UPCAT alongside my pile of schoolwork.
But as it got closer my schedule became more hectic. If you're really unlucky, the entrance exam for UP would fall on the same week as school exam season.
Dang and we even have a defense that week for our research.
I couldn't help but be nervous. Unlike my school exams, college entrance exams are a different story, you don't know the exact topics that will come out.
The scope could be so wide and there's a big possibility that half of it or more than half is something I didn't get to study.
Since I was always on top of the class, leadership in different groups was also on my shoulders. There were performance tasks I still needed to handle. And on top of all that were my trainings.
I found myself biting my lower lip. I wanted to go to UP again and spend the afternoon there.
I wonder how Lucian is?
"Leila is applying to the big 4 university! She also plans to submit applications to other universities. Beast, so hardworking!" Mia was telling us during our break time.
As usual, we were just at the back of the class eating. Mia was sitting beside me while Darah was on the other side. There was a chair turned around in front of us and Jennie was there, Janna was sitting on the desk while picking at the gulaman in her drink.
"You too, Celestine? Apply! It would be such a flex if you got into the big 4! I'm sure you can do it!" Mia turned to me.
"The applications aren't open yet," was all I said.
"That's why, but apply anyway," she added.
"I'll see, I don't even have tuition money for that." I smiled a little.
"True, me too. That's for rich people," Darah also said.
"Just take the exam and pass it but don't enroll there! Just for your Facebook myday," Mia was still convincing me.
"Okay, we'll see. It's still far, UPCAT first," I answered.
I bit into the bread I was holding and chewed slowly. Even if I'm not like I was in junior high, quiet, I knew there's still a part of me I don't show.
I remembered what Lucian said that no one cares if you look stupid, but here I am still being careful because I'm still afraid of what people around me might say.
"Yeah right, she's taking the exam at UP! She's flying too high! Just because she's valedictorian, she thinks she's UP-level smart!"
I stopped walking when I heard that voice. I was about to turn toward our house when I heard Tita Dianna's voice.
I would pass by Lolo and Lola's house first before our house and it looked like Tita Dianna, Tita Amelia, and Tito Harvy, Papa's siblings, were here.
They often visit here because they like to gossip along the way and also, they want to get the land where my family's house stands now.
It was given to Papa because he was the one who built our house but I know that from the very beginning that was what they were after.
Mama's relationship with Papa's relatives isn't good. I still remember when I was very young, I saw how they ganged up on Mama and shouted at her just because of the water meter.
I don't know what happened or what the reason was but I remember clearly how they pointed fingers at Mama until she had no choice but to just cry.
They thought I didn't understand back then but it was very clear in my child mind.
And until now we still hear things from them.
I get it, Papa isn't their favorite, we aren't their favorite as nephews and grandchildren.
But it's just annoying that they're like this to us. They don't fight with Mama face to face like before anymore but behind our backs they're still full of hatred.
I've heard Papa talk to them about their behavior, several times already but they're still like this. I can feel that Papa sides with us but it seems his calm voice isn't enough to make them change.
"I hope she doesn't pass, Ate Rose will get so arrogant again! Jeez! She's already a mess, and she acts like her kids are so great! Like she's so kind!" Tita Amelia said in a low voice.
"Right, I saw Rose at the market earlier and she didn't even look at me? She's rude, she's arrogant too," Tito Harvy answered.
"That's why, just take their land already and then let's split it," Tita Dianna was convincing Tito.
"It's not that easy..."
What is their problem with our house? The lot is so small! What you're really saying is you just want us to lose our home.
"Let's go inside, I bought chicken earlier, let's heat it up," I heard Tita Amelia invite.
I heard them walk away one after another while still talking. They each have their own families now and their houses aren't even that far from here.
It's really their hobby to come here and spy on us.
I turned in after they were gone. Only the chairs they used were left in front of Lola's house.
Just a few more steps and one more turn, and you'd reach our house.
"Your Ate Tine is here, open the door, bunso," I heard Mama say.
A moment later the door opened and my sibling appeared holding a cellphone in the other hand.
"Have you eaten?" Mama asked.
"Not yet po," I answered.
"Okay, join your siblings for dinner."
I just nodded and then went to the room. Ate was already there cleaning the room.
"Do you have change for one hundred?" she asked me.
"I do, why?"
"Two fifties?"
"No..."
"What?"
"One peso coins..."
And I got a playful hit on my shoulder. We both laughed while I was taking off my uniform in front of her.
"Be serious!"
"I do, get it from my wallet later."
I couldn't get what I heard from them out of my head. I knew I should use their words to make me study harder but... I couldn't help but feel afraid.
I'm more nervous that they might be right in the end. What if it's true that I don't pass?
I don't know, maybe it's also because of the so many things to do in school and other responsibilities.
I sat on the bed and opened my phone after Ate finished cleaning.
Lucian's account appeared again on my Facebook suggestions. It shows up but it's locked like he's famous.
I also don't know why I'm shy to add him. I don't know why we didn't even think to exchange contact info back then.
Also, I really haven't heard anything from him anymore so I feel like we're kind of far from each other now. It's like he's not the same Lucian I cut class with before.
Even so, I'm still rooting for him, to whatever he is doing right now.
"We have a mock defense later, okay," I reminded my research groupmates.
We're outside the classroom now having a quick meeting. I still need to stay calm because it's close. It's just annoying because last time three of them went home right away.
"Is it okay if I join next time? We have a family thing later. Sorry..." Mario said while pouting a little.
I looked at him for a bit. What else can I do? Even if I want to insist that they do their part, I can't push back when they give excuses.
I don't want them to get mad at me. I don't want trouble or fights. As long as I can, I'll just be the one to do it and understand.
Dang, it's also hard when they know you can do everything, they'll just dump it all on you.
"Okay, just study your part, okay," I just reminded calmly.
"The revision of the Conclusion and Recommendation, Jan. Is it okay?" I turned to Jan who was standing beside me.
"I'll send it later," she said simply.
I gave the deadline for that yesterday. I hid the annoyance inside and just nodded.
I don't want to think about it but I know Jan is lazy and doesn't care about groupings, maybe later she won't submit and I'll be the one who ends up doing it.
I hope not, I still need to review later.
I ended that short meeting when we saw our Basic Calculus subject teacher approaching.
"Okay, class, listen!" We straightened our seats when she slightly tapped the blackboard. "Wasn't our agreement for the submission and presentation of your conic section models last week of this month? So, we're moving that since the schedule is tight. It should be submitted before the exam. So, the new deadline will be this week."
As expected, my classmates groaned one after another. Even I couldn't help but close my eyes because of what I heard. Our teacher just left and didn't listen to our requests anymore.
That teacher is known for once she says something, it can't be taken back.
Shit! My group had already started on that but we stopped to prioritize our individual research presentations. That's a different group and I'm the leader of both.
How am I supposed to juggle all of that? They squeezed it into exam week! And there's still the UPCAT!
"Celestine, do you have the answer for Oral Communication? That assignment? Can I read it? I'll just get an idea," Mia approached me.
Darah was behind her too and smiling at me. I didn't show that I didn't want to give my paper. I hadn't even placed the paper on my desk yet when Mia already got it.
"Thank you, love you, beh!"
They gathered around my paper. I sighed a little. I know. I know they're not just getting "an idea".
I'm used to them coming to me when they need answers. I don't know why our teachers don't notice that.
Even in calculus they're like that, since it's mostly computations, it's natural that our answers will be the same if they're correct.
"She really didn't submit anything," I muttered to myself that night.
I was sitting in our living room. My siblings and parents were asleep while I was still working on our research paper.
I scratched my head when Jan still hadn't submitted anything even though it was already 11 o'clock at night.
I combed my hair back and started typing on the laptop I borrowed from Ate.
I'll just do her part myself, instead of waiting for her.
"What is this? There's even a Chatgpt prompt at the end?" I asked myself in surprise when I read Gino's work for Chapter 3.
I leaned back on my seat and almost pulled my hair out. It's already late, and AI too! Dang!
I really catch myself cursing in my head more often because of them! I don't want to judge but why are they like this? Why is it so hard for them to help?
Do they think just because I understand everything I don't get tired? I have responsibilities in life too! I have a family too! I'm a daughter too! I'm a sister too! I'm a human too like them who also wants to rest!
This is the part where I'd say the curse of being smart is that they dump everything on you and when you get mad, you're the bad one.
If you don't give them answers, you're stingy. You're arrogant and you don't know how to help.
"Dang..." I cursed under my breath.
Because dang, really!
I don't curse in front of people often, only sometimes but I hope they know I'm slowly turning into a monster in my head because of my annoyance at them.
But I know in the end, I still can't confront them because I'll admit it... I'm afraid of them thinking badly of me.
I don't hoard my answers from Mia and the others because I'm afraid of losing friends.
It's annoying but I can't do anything about it.
All I want is for all of this to be over, when I go to college I'll make sure to find friends who will accept me not just because I have something to give.
I want friends where I don't have to pretend in front of them, where I'll be comfortable, and who will be my shelter when I'm tired.
Friends I can tell my problems to and they won't judge me. The kind where I don't have to act calm and kind all the time. Where I can show the chaos and playfulness I hide when I'm with them.
I wonder if there are friends like that in college?
I hope so.
"Celestine got the highest score, congratulations, everyone!" my Basic Calculus teacher announced after our quiz.
My classmates clapped while looking at me. I just folded my yellow paper where my super long solutions were written. I got a perfect score.
"You're so good! You're definitely gonna pass the UPCAT!" Darah said to me after our teacher left.
"Hey, that's too much... I haven't even reviewed yet," I said with a small smile on my lips.
"Even if you don't review! You can totally do it," Mia chimed in. "By the way, do you have the answer for Gen. Math? Can I copy..."
Our schoolwork got even heavier. I wish they knew it's UPCAT season now and students are preparing for it.
Good for those who are in review centers. Good for my classmates who have time to review there while I'm still stuck with our group activities.
Why did I accept all of this? Dang it!
"I can do this..." I whispered to myself while looking in the mirror in our bathroom.
Today is the day of the UPCAT. I'm nervous because I didn't have proper review.
I patted my own shoulder and convinced myself that I could do it.
I'm smart.
I'm good.
I can do it.
I can totally do it.
I remembered what my classmates and friends said, how they trust that I'll pass.
That messes with my head. Instead of motivating me, it just pressures me more. Why is that?
I also heard in my head the voices of my Tita and Tito wishing that I don't pass. I'm scared.
Why are they suddenly messing with my head?
Plus the fact that I don't get enough sleep because of the pile of work.
Can I do it?
Can I get through this?
My heart suddenly beat faster. I can't fail, I need to prove myself.
A strange coldness hugged me, voices mixed in my head, my stomach felt like it was turning, I was sweating a lot even though there was aircon inside.
I'm already in the testing room and it's starting but why does it feel like I can't understand what I'm reading?
I was getting dizzy, I don't know why, I was losing focus.
Shit, I had a mental block!
What's happening?
The letters looked like they were flying.
My hands were still shaking after the exam ended. I was going down Palma Hall where my patience was tested.
Relatives were on the left and right with their own banners waiting for their family members who also took the exam.
Everyone was happy, I watched a classmate from my testing room pass by.
"I answered everything, Ma!" she told her mom.
I watched them laughing until they got into their parked car.
My shoulders dropped. I knew I didn't do my best, why did I get hit with a mental block now of all times!
It felt like I wanted to turn back time and answer again. I wasn't content and I became even more restless about the result.
It took a long time for the UPCAT results to come out so for months I couldn't sleep because of it. I avoided conversations about it because it just made me feel heavier.
I was really scared.
Because the result took so long, we were already in Grade 12 and it still wasn't out, they said that's just how it is.
I also took exams in other universities. Most were State universities. As much as I wanted to try for UST, La Salle, and Ateneo, I couldn't afford to spend 500 pesos just to take the exam.
"You didn't pass, Celestine?" Mia asked in surprise when the UPCAT result came out.
I saw the result early this morning. No.
I didn't pass.
Even at the University of the Philippines Manila I didn't pass.
I've been restless since earlier and I feel like slapping myself because of my stupidity. I didn't do well! It's my fault.
Now I have to face their disappointed faces. That just made what I was feeling heavier.
"It's okay! I didn't pass either," Darah cut in and patted my shoulder.
I heard UPCAT talk all day and I just wanted to cover my ears because I didn't want to hear it.
"Do you know Celestine? The smart one in STEM 1? Girl, she didn't pass UPCAT but Danica did. Turns out she's not even that smart, UPCAT just beat her," I heard girls I didn't know laughing.
I was inside the bathroom cubicle while they were outside. I couldn't bring myself to open the door because my whole body felt numb.
I'm not smart.
They say I'm not smart.
And because of that, just because of that, it felt like everything I worked hard for was gone.
Why is it like that?
It felt like one blow after another hit me just because of that exam because...I fell out of the top 10 in the whole batch.
Slowly, everyone's trust in me disappeared. I suddenly became weak.
I fell behind.
I don't know why.
I poured everything, I gave everything I could but why is it suddenly not enough?
I closed the bathroom door in our house and couldn't hold back my tears anymore. The emotions I had kept in for so long exploded.
I convinced myself that I was okay even as my anger at myself was slowly tearing me apart.
I'm so mad at myself! I'm so angry and I have no one else to blame but myself!
I'm so stupid! I'm so worthless!
I just sat on the floor and cried quietly. I tried to hide my sobs even though I could barely breathe. It felt like there was something stuck in my throat that I couldn't understand.
Turns out I'm not good.
I'm not smart.
I'm not who they think I am.
I'm just good at studying but I'm not smart.