I don't feel like sleeping yet, though i felt tired when i came in back from our night outing between me and mum but now, i feel like something doesn't fit, i feel like i have to take care of a something really important, something that i don't have to divide my attention with another, something that has been involved with my life all through. i have never been the type to think further or make future plans so early and i think that has been affecting my way of living, i don't ever find happiness in anything i do, not even the way things have been going. i have many things in mind but yet i don't know where to start or is it that i am not yet ready to take a step, i don't even know. my eyes were on the ceiling, just looking at the ceiling fan going round about but wasn't going anywhere, i think this fan's motion is the typical example of my life, i always think that i am moving forward, i always think that I will later catch up with the others one day when it comes to knowledge but no, i haven't seen any symptom about that yet, i have always been the last in everything that i am involved in, maybe, that is one of the reasons why i can get Deborah's attention, she could have decided to be my friend because i seem to be always there for her, but the truth is, i am just a ceiling fan in motion, rolling in one spot on the ceiling, yet can't take a step forward.
My father used to say this, the journey of a thousand miles always begins with a step, yet i haven't taken that step, i have always believed that i was making a move, but right now, i just realized that am not, it's not just that, you see, when you feel like you are no longer in control of your life, you will totally lose control of everything, everything will become so hard for you to catch up on, i am gently realizing that i have even never been in control of anything at first, i have been making my mum shed tears, i don't even know how Deborah view me, as an ordinary friend or potential boyfriend, my body stature is a total mess, if i start hitting the gym, i think it would be a great first step for my physical and emotional health, my brain is so dull that i can't even be relied on by another people, which makes me to have unreasonable thoughts, i don't think winning over Deborah would be my first step, my first step should be, winning over myself, i am totally lost and i think it's time to go look for myself, it's time to turn the wheels around and face towards the right path, the right direction. I used to believe that, if i ever get Deborah as my girl, then my life will kick start for good, i will start living better and be in control of things around me, i will always make my mum the happiest and always keep a smile on Deborah's face, i would take care of my health and become the best man i could, but now, I just realized that it is a total nonsense, a useless and unreasonable thought like i already said, though i cherish Deborah with all my heart, i don't think i should really make her the key that holds my life. if i start with that path, then whenever i end up losing her again, then my Life Will start afresh from square one, the square that i am right on, the square where i am not in control of my life. i think it's about time to heed my father's advice, sometimes you have to let go of someone to respect yourself, that is what he told me once upon a time, but i don't think i should let go completely, no, can i do that?, i don't think so, not seeing Deborah for a day feels like eternity, i know that whenever you want to start afresh from the beginning, you have to let go of everything to begin, but i don't think Deborah is everything, she is something, just my thing.
It will all start tomorrow morning, my first mission is to start hitting the gym since i got the best opportunity to start right now with the early suspension i got from the school. everything that has advantage also has a disadvantage, the disadvantage of this suspension was that, i am going to have a lot of work to do when i resume, i am really going to have a lot to catch up on, but the advantage is that, it just gave me the opportunity to start taking control of my life, hitting the gym all day will be a great boost for me before the suspension ends, i will also need to start sleeping early, so that i will get to wake up early too, and one thing about sleeping early is that, it also part of taking care of yourself, it is good for the body and helps the brain to function like it have to. i don't have to conclude everything at once, i know that as life goes, i will get to know more great things that will boost my health, but first is hitting the gym which would help me mentally and physically, then my studies and thirdly, to impress Deborah whom i wish would always be by my side. i can feel my eyes getting heavy little by little, fatigue has already began to hit my body. i think this is it, i think i just did the last piece of the day, i can notice the smile i am wearing on my face right now, i think everything is now in place.