Sadie
It’s dark.
I was laying down on my bed the same way I usually do when I’m not sleeping: on my back, head hanging on the other side of the bed while on the other end, I let my feet scrape on the soft light brown carpet that covered the whole floor. It’s dark because my eyes are closed--duh I'm such a dummy.
I may not see anything, though I can hear something--the songs on my playlist ranging from My Chemical Romance to The Paper Kites. Now, I’m listening to Turns Within Me Turns Without Me. This suddenly triggered my mind and finally, I am starting to see something.
My mom and my sister--flashbacks from the past. The portrait of eight-year-old me with them and dad, showing off our widest grin. Until dad was cropped out of the picture and replaced us with another family. Now my mom was left hopeless in love and life but she’s still trying to keep things together. Maybe it’s because she still has me and my sister. I could say that my mom and I are quite similar. The only exception is that I am messy, quite lazy, and not smart. For short: I’m a disappointment. If I got to be honest, I should’ve been placed in a coffin for a long time but I decided to fight back as if I got something more to show. Seriously, I daydream a lot to the point I crash into a wall, I stutter when I speak, I read shit that won’t get me anywhere in life and I have to think for 3 minutes to find out what 6+9 is!; Like imagine walking up to me to have a normal conversation but I suddenly went “Hey, do you spot the differences of every species's feces?” I sighed. Why do I even exist up to this point?
Speaking of wishing I shouldn’t have existed, something like “hating yourself” is just too cliche these days. You know, the thing some people just put out into the world because they want to share their self-hatred and the rest do it just to get attention? Like how people confidently tweets how ugly they are and they don’t want the face they own but they have no choice but to suffer in it. Then their followers decided to butt in and say “No you’re so pretty~” or attack with reverse “hating-yourself” like “No~ You pretty, me ugly bleegh” or some shit. In my case, no one has ever disagreed with every negative thing I said about myself. Well, that’s what happens when people tell the truth, I guess.
There are so many things going through my mind every day. There are times where I just wanna slam my head because of the sudden embarrassing memories that come to life, some things are what is the square root of 900? 300? Am I right? And sometimes they are just anything I wish to be in and what I want to be as. Now, I have ugly thoughts stuck in my head. They’re like a combination of dirt, rocks, and lava I swallow while going on with life ‘til they curl up into one giant boulder that I want to blend into smaller portions and puke out for people to see how dangerous it is inside my head. But there are just different types of people that you won’t know what they will do after hearing this information. That’s why this boulder is getting bigger and heavier--who could I trust with these?
Trust. Promise. They are simple words when said but, in action, are really big words to drop; because they can’t stay with others. Like the time my dad once told me he loves us and wouldn’t leave us but then the second time I asked--this time, trying to stop him from walking out the door-- he said “No! I never did! I will never love life like this, especially with you!”
See? That can happen in our life someday. When we promise something too soon, we trust someone too quickly and up to the point when we stop trusting at all because we don't know who they are and their intentions. Not even those closest to you. I just hate how they tell me that they know me when they don’t. If they do know me, why did they not know the boulder I kept inside?
Then I heard a loud knocking sound banging endlessly. My wandering stops there. I took my earphones off and looked up where they came from. Everything I see is upside down including my older sister Angelica which is standing by the open door. She stopped knocking when I got all my eyes on her. “Get off the bed, we’re leaving in any minute.”
I sat up at the end of the bed, looking down and blinking to adjust my vision. My head hurt from all that laying upside down. I look up, finally getting to see my sister, and the whole room, right side up. My sister is wearing light blue baggy jeans with one rip across the thighs, and a tucked-in shirt with a bed of sunflowers printed on it.
“Where are we going?”
“Ugh, why do you have to ask?” She said in a cocky tone. “Can you just...Do it right away?”
I signed and I did what she told me. I stood and walked around the bed to my wooden closet at the very corner opposite the door, which is not a good spot at the moment because my sister did not stop right there.
“See, that’s the problem with you: you always stay in this trashy room all by yourself doing depressing stuff of whatever the fuck you do and that’s why you don’t know shit! You’re making yourself more like a dumbass by locking yourself here. When will you ever grow up?!” I did not say anything. I just look through my closet, moving racks and racks of clothing and pretending I can’t hear her. Angelica scoffed. “Childish behavior--like always. You pretend that you can’t hear me when you do! Here’s a piece of advice, Di: Fucking change yourself. Because those ugly weird things you’re doing are the reason why dad left us. And mom won’t ever lo-” Angelica’s voice is cut off by our mother calling her downstairs, sweetly. “Coming mom!” She screamed back at her with the same tone. She finally went downstairs, leaving me alone...again.
Well, she had a fair point. I should change. But before that, she should stop saying “like” in every sentence. My sister loved ex-dad so much more than I. She kept calling him dad although he’s the one who hurt us. Well, I can't blame her, she almost had his face! Angelica looks like ex-dad if he does drag! They both got the same tomato nose, the same almost non-existent eyebrows, the same way they scream at me and the…
Fuck Sadie keep thinking of funny things. Please don’t cry.