Uncertain
In her black bikini, Ate Moya dived and made a splash in our pool. Kuya Luwi then followed her.
It’s another sunny morning, with a slightly cold breeze of air. I took a sip in my hot coffee as I wait for Nami’s reply. But minutes of not getting one I got bored and decided to took off my oversized t-shirt then dipped in the pool.
“You sure it’s not that serious?” I heard Kuya.
“She sure have it in her way, you know her Luwi,” Ate replied.
They seems serious talking about something and I couldn’t relate. Is it oldies things? I’m old enough though.
“What are you two talking about?”
Kuya brushed me off while Ate seems to not heard me. I looked at Kuya suspiciously.
“What is it ba?,” in my girly irritating voice.
I saw how Kuya’s eyes bore on me with disgust. I rolled my eyes on him.
“Nakabuntis ka ba?”
Ate Moya then laughed while Kuya groaned. Whatever they are talking, it’s probably confidential since I’ve confronted them both the whole day and still, they wouldn’t budge.
“Pahingi nga Mei.”
I immediately put the half sized croissant left in my mouth. It was kind of big so I had hard time munching it. I then rolled my eyes on Kuya as he looked at me unbelievably.
“Tama na iyan, may tinapay pa doon sa ref Luwi, tingnan mo doon,” Manang Esther said out of nowhere.
“I already finished all the croissant though, pandesal na lang ang natira.”
Manang giggled at my pettiness.
“May galit ba iyon sayo? May ginawa ka na naman ano?” I heard Manang said as I head my way to my room.
The past months of communicating, it has become a routine that now that he’s not actively answering my calls and text, it felt weird, incomplete. And, I don’t know what he’s been up to. He didn’t even told me beforehand that he’s going to be busy for this week.
Irritated from all the building negative thoughts in my head, I turned my phone off.
My days then went on smoothly. I didn’t bother to open it again and let it simply that way. He’s probably enjoying himself there with I don’t know who and with I don’t know what.
I rolled my eyes.
And it’s not even helping that I have my period cramps this time of the month.
I looked at Kuya’s back as he’s busy rummaging the refrigerator. It’s a usual morning drinking my usual coffee.
“What are you looking for? Ang patay-gutom mo,” words came out of my mouth as I wait for my coffee to brew.
Kuya looked at me tiredly.
“Not today Meiya, I’m lacked of sleep.” He then walked out of the kitchen with a croissant in his hand. It’s not even heated up, for sure it was hard as brick.
I shrugged off his reaction and continued my day. It was already three in the afternoon when I felt bored and decided to go to my favourite cafe.
“Can you tell me what he looks like?” Nura in her excited voice after I told her about Nami.
“He looks fine. You can picture him out like a typical Japanese men.”
I made sure my voice wasn’t that sound happy, like it didn’t matter that we are talking about him when in fact I turned my phone off cause I’m irritated of him. Three days already passed and still no reply. Well, how can I receive one when I turned my phone off?
Ang bobo mo Meiya.
“Okay...” she nodded. “Like messy hair? Chinito sleepy eyes and probably with an eye glasses? Ganoon ba siya?”
Oo, ganoon siya Nura. I miss him already and it’s doing no good that I’m in my period right now. My hormones are just everywhere and I felt like crying.
“Pag iyon nakita ko ulit ng personal sa bakasyon, I’ll make sure he’ll kiss me,” I dared.
Nura nodded enthusiastically as she clapped her hands, making me feel her support. I nodded too.
“How though? Making him drunk?” I shook my head.
“There’s no need for alcohol, even without it I’m sure he’ll make the move.”
Hindi naman ako lasing pero parang walang kakwenta-kwenta ang pinagsasabi ko.
As I sipped my hot brewed coffee I think of how I make my plan come to life. Probably alcohol would help since he’s the type of guy that seems innocent and shy. The quiet boy in the corner.
“Wait...” Nura’s looked at me weirdly. “Are you serious?”
I stopped midway of drinking. She think it’s purely a joke?
“I’m serious Nura. This is serious.”
“Your feelings are serious? Like you want to commit on him? Be in a relationship with him? Is it mutual ba?”
Her voice was laced with concern and seriousness that it made me put my cup down. I cleared my throat as I find the right answer to say. I loved the thrill of whatever this is that we had. The random things we talked about over our phone calls at the end of the day. The unsaid feelings, be it shallow or deep.
The secret glimpses and stares that we both made for each other. I’m sure he’s feeling something special for me and I am for him too. I’m sure of that.
But... Nura’s questions was too hard to answer.
Then, fear enveloped my heart. I’ve never been in a relationship before, and I never wished to be on one. I never think this through. That eventually, when we both confessed, this, what we had would levelled up into something deeper and...serious.
“Not totally um...a relationship. Probably, we will take it slow.”
I couldn’t look at her eyes.
A label is something I’m quite not sure of. I’m not yet ready for that. And, beside I’m not even sure what we are. Sure, this is something not done with just a friend, updating each others day, every single day...and night.
“And, anyways it’s not...we are not in that level where we’re able to...you know... talk about it yet.”
“You’re enjoying, I see. But Mei, don’t give false hopes on someone you’re not really sure of. And based on observation, you’re uncertain.”
I’m uncertain. I’m uncertain of Suna.
It echoed in my mind. I’m not yet sure since he’s not sure about it too. I don’t want to show deep feelings, it might scare him off. And, besides, we are indeed communicating but this, what we have is uncertain too.