Chapter Thirteen- Envy
(Tom)
Avery was off today. She seemed so out of it and more lenient than usual. It's like her sass and her brash attitude was tamed down to a notch. It's not that I think it's a bad thing, but clearly something is wrong.
If I were to deduct why, then I wouldn't know. However, the last person she was with---was Oskar. Then again, I probably wouldn't find any answers if I straight out asked him or threaten in that matter.
Did Oskar said something hurtful to Avery? Less likely. That guy likes her---probably even looks up to her so it's impossible he'd want to hurt her. Then, did she say something brash that went out of line? Possibly. Did they fight because of creativity differences? Just thinking about the countless possibilities drove me further from the truth.
It frustrates me deep inside knowing that I couldn't do anything.
I sighed, planting a hand under my chin like a cushion while I stared at her teaching these people who are now crowding over her like some deity and some also ushering to find what the commotion was about.
A ghostly smile escapes my lips. Besides all that, Avery sure has come a long way. She's changed so much. It feels like it was just yesterday when she was so cold to me, distant and had fury in her eyes every time we meet. She didn't trust people and most importantly, she didn't love herself.
But now, that's different. Someday, our paths might have to separate. The way and pace Avery's going at now, she might finally open to others with a smile and might find someone she loves---which wouldn't be me.
Her eyes have this color to them and it's getting warmer the second I see it. She might say that she doesn't want to be involved with people, but deep inside she wants to change too. That's why I'm here and others are there to give her a small push.
. . .
(Avery)
I bit my lip, prancing in circles whilst I couldn't make up my mind. I looked like a dog who couldn't catch its tail in an endless chase. I was reluctant, rather I am acting cowardly.
I was standing in front of Oskar's classroom---except that I was just standing, not even peering inside or asking for his presence. I was undecided. What if he hated me for it? What if he was going to ignore me or even pretend none of that happened.
The countless thoughts made me sick to the stomach, enough to make me feel like I'm about to hurl or the pain in my cramps didn't equate to this gut-wrenching sensation. I shake my head, wanting to slap myself. Get yourself together!
Even if I did call him, what would I say? Would I even manage to mutter something? An apology? A consolation?
Nevertheless, standing here was going to make things stop at a standstill and people's stare are starting to get to me. I probably looked like a weirdo just glancing intently at the door while they passed by.
I take a deep breath, my lungs feeling sucked out, then exhaled and on cue, someone leaves the classroom. I didn't know her, but she was one of the people who came during my booth. She has long, luscious strands of golden hair, curled up lashes and full lips. She is an embodiment of every pretty girl.
She sees me staring, then stops, her hair swayed to her shoulders. "Well, hi Avery."
"Uhm, hi."
"You need something?"
"Well yes," I replied, my fingers squirming from behind my skirt. "---is Oskar Matthew inside?"
"I'm afraid he isn't," her lips curved to a frown. "---he wasn't also present during homeroom."
"Does anyone know why?"
"Sorry, but the teacher did say he was sick," she smiled at me politely. "---so that's all I know."
I sighed. Right. I nod. "Thank you anyway."
I turned my heel, ready to leave and head somewhere quiet---preferably the school's garden---when she hollered.
"Oskar is a very silent guy," she blurts out. "---he doesn't speak much and always stared at the skies with a blank look."
"But when he's with you, he seems to be so happy. So I believe that you can help him with whatever he's troubling about. That's all."
. . .
I decided to skip afternoon classes. After all, it wasn't really that important.
Today's afternoon class consisted of Art Class---which was another discussion about Greek Art and some Contemporary Art that I couldn't be bothered to tell the difference. Then there's English---which would be a review for the quiz tomorrow that I already studied beforehand. And lastly, Music that talked about the different Classical Composers---which I took an interest in Chance Music since it was rather spontaneous and weird.
It wasn't anything major or important, so I didn't felt the need to. I just wanted some peace and fresh air---which I needed to free my mind from all the guilt and to think of something to say when he comes back.
Comes back, huh.
"I just want my mother and father to love me."
I sighed quite gloomy, pulling my knees to my chest and burrowed my head on it. The wind was chilly---which was apparent since it was late November. The cold gush of wind pricked my skin by its sensation with my tangled hair swerving in all directions. It didn't help that my collar tickled the nape of my neck and even though it was freezing, my temple still trickled with sweat.
I usually didn't care about these sorts of things. In truth, I would've just shrugged it off and if he didn't want to talk to me, then beat it. It wasn't my loss if people left; but things are different now. Oskar has helped me so many times, even when I'm at wits end; so, the least I could do was somehow solve his problem—which was deemed impossible to.
I couldn't just magically wish upon a star to somehow fix his family. He said it himself. They're dysfunctional. They're unhappy; yet they still stay together--to the point where they're wallowed in misery that they can't ever be freed.
"I knew you were here."
"Tom."
"Didn't take you as the girl who skipped classes," he mused, eyeing me intently with those crashing waves of fiery olive eyes. He takes a seat beside me, his hair slightly tousled and haggard in some angles. The grass makes a crinkling sound while he positions himself too close that our shoulders were brushing against each other.
I look away and heavily fixated my attention onto my shoes—which were slightly muddy and I bent forward, clenching on the roots of the weeds, and pulled out some of it like some therapeutic relief. The damp dew of the grass stuck to my palms and I wiped it down with my skirt.
"What are you doing here? Classes has begun," I uttered gently.
"I know," he briefly replied, darting his gaze to my hands making animated motions randomly.
Ever had this feeling where you just want company, but without any exchange of words? Just staring at nowhere in silence, breathing in the fresh, humid air. That's what I felt right now—except that I knew Tom wanted some answers referring to what I wanted to say before Emily interrupted me.
"It's my fault," I sighed, breaking the silence that lingered for a couple of seconds.
Tom listens earnestly, not even speaking a single word in response or looking at me in judgement. I continued. "I asked Oskar about something that I shouldn't."
"I didn't mean to open some of his scars," I whispered. "---I never knew. I guess I did, but not to that extent."
"I feel horrible Tom," my voice slightly falters. "---what if he does something reckless right now? Or even worse.... harms himself?"
"It would be my fault," I say in revolt, disgusted for myself. "----I feel restless. I can't do anything for him, Tom. What could I do? When even I need help?"
"Avery. Don't beat yourself too much," he peered at me, looking at me in worry. "---it's not your fault. You didn't know the entire story and you didn't do it out of malice."
"So, stop blaming yourself," he murmurs under his breath, lifting a hand, then proceeds to tuck a stray hair of mine that laid on my temple.
"You're too kind on me, Tom," I smile bitterly. "---I don't deserve that. You can be harsh, you know?"
"Tell me what an idiot I am or how I'm always insensitive," my fingers trembled as I clenched them. "---or how I don't know how to shut my mouth and know my place. You're always too kind, too patient that sometimes I'm afraid I'll just tire you out."
"I'm afraid of being too close to you," I confessed. "---because when I do, you might get tired of me; you might grow to hate me and leave me."
"Tom," my heart was beating so rampant and vivaciously that I was close to having a heart attack. My emotions were getting ahold of me—too much that I might say things I shouldn't say.
My fingers trembled and my breath gets caught up in a knot as I couldn't seem to compose myself anymore. I'm an emotional wreck that I might just about to regret this, then again, it's beating so rampant and loudly inside me that it wants to be said out loud.
I closed my eyes, my body shaking and my hands turning clammy. The world felt like spinning and the more I breathe, the more I felt it taken away from me.
It's too early. Stop. Don't say it.
But it was too late. My heart took ahold of my mind and threw all sense of logic and thinking away from me. "Tom."
His alluring, gentle eyes that deep inside made me swoon, brewed in confusion and expectant. It was enough to weaken me and my knees. My words get fumbled and my throat becomes dry.
"I-I li---"
"Tom."
A different voice emerged from the background. Then my words get cut off and I slammed my mouth shut before turning our heads to find the source of the voice.
It was only her. Long fluttering lashes; baby smooth skin that was flawless, sparkling, clear ocean waves of eyes, well pampered and brushed locks of golden yellow hair that shone against the sunlight and an hour glass body figure that anyone would envy. She was no other than Hannah.
She stared at us, then to Tom. With a forced smile, she called again. "I've been looking for you---oh wait, did I disturb something?"
It was dripped in sarcasm. The way behind those innocent mannequin-like eyes brewed anger and revolt. Or how her lips would've twisted into a wry. I knew her too well.
"Oh hi Avery. Didn't see you there."
I forced up a smile, my eyes twitching in frustration. "Hey Hannah."
"Well, we gotta hurry Tom. We still have a project to record," she tapped her foot impatiently, her sweet strawberry scent wafted our nose just inches away from us. She glanced at her expensive watch and to us.
Tom nods, then looks at me. "What were you going to say again, Avery?"
I shake my head. "It wasn't anything important."
It was. Then again, it would've been a mistake if I did. He glances at me one last time before ushering to stand up from his stance, patting down grass from his bottom with his hands. He peers at me. "I gotta go Avery. You'll be alright?"
No. Was what I wanted to say. I wanted him to stay. At least just sat beside me without saying anything. But that was just selfish wishing—my inner desires getting ahold of me.
I composed myself, making sure I was calmer and more controlled. I curtly replied. "Yes."
Then they left together.
I could only wistfully stare at their back until not a single trace of their silhouette was present. I was left all alone in that wide, cold grassy fields realizing something.
I didn't stand a chance.
In my mind I know...I will always lose to her.