Jisoo felt like fainting. It was a horrible, there was too much blood and her head was so dizzy she wanted to throw up. It was two after midnight when she woke up by the sound of someone throwing up right outside her bedroom. She wasn’t exactly a light sleeper herself, was she usually not even awaken by the jarring thunder sound, but that night there was something that encouraged her to open her eyes and tightened her senses.
She even struggled to fight her shock to reach for her phone to call 119, and did the thing she knew she would've never done out of the normality—she wiped the blood away from his mouth, and changed his clothes to a new one because he was conscious enough to ask for it. Maybe it was the adrenalin, because she had never been a big fan of blood. Even when Yeonseok slit open the woman’s neck back in their flight, she had to turn away avoiding the sight of that hideous liquid.
It felt like hours later when someone called her name and put her off from sleep, she woke up in the couch. Jongdae kneeled in front of her with the worry look on his face.
“Hey, sorry I didn’t get to come earlier. I went as soon as mom got the phone call from the hospital. Come here you.” He said while pulling her to a big hug.
She yawned, a little bit disoriented at the moment. It was when she passed on her gaze around the room and found her dad laid at the patient’s bed, she awakened from her deep slumber. Her arms wrapped around Jongdae’s neck spontaneously and rested her head at the crook of his neck, seeking for comfort. Now when she had a shoulder to cry on, Jisoo realized how scared she was after everything that had happened.
“What happened? Uncle looked fine last night, then why suddenly…”
“I don’t know.” Jisoo shook her head, she was just as clueless as he was.
The on-call doctor at the ER didn’t say anything much, but a bleeding was probably coming from his stomach. Since he was rushed in midnight, there was not much procedure they could do after a consult with the specialist. She only remembered the nurses took him for a CT, then the on-call doctor told her things she couldn’t apprehend—probably because the adrenalin was still taking the bigger side of her that her mind was blank. And she was so tired, so when she told them that her dad was a doctor for Hanguk General Hospital, then they transferred them to VIP suit so she could take a rest while waiting for her dad’s exam finished. It didn't take long for Jisoo to dose off, once she found a couch in the corner of the room she curled up on it and immediately fell asleep.
“It happened so fast, and so sudden.” She proceeded, “I woke up and heard something weird, like someone puking loudly. And I found dad on the floor. God, there’s so much blood everywhere, Jongdae, it’s awful. How come he threw up that so much blood…”
“Alright, it’s okay. I’ve told my mom to send someone to clean it.” He said when she then told him that did she have no chance to mop the blood or clean the mess when the ambulance took her dad to the hospital.
At this kind of state, Jisoo was thankful to have Jongdae around. Although the boy sometimes annoyed her, in times of crisis he could be a very reliable person.
They were practically twin siblings in the family. Their moms were pregnant at the same time, and Jisoo was born just three days later after him. For almost six months after giving birth, they live in their grandparents’ residence and there were times that their moms would breastfeed the two babies when the other one was not around. It’s not a surprise when occasionally Jongdae would introduce her as his unusual twinning sister just to make people stop questioning his vexatious protectiveness over her.
“Anyway, I brought you breakfast and some clothes. You need to change that shirt or people would think you just gobbled down a human.” He said pointing at her bloody shirt a moment later and handed her a duffle bag full of her needs. ”I wasn’t sure what to bring, so I just stuffed everything in there. There’s also your toothbrush, makeups, and what not.”
“Thanks. You’re the best.” She took the first thing she saw in the bag, pulling out a light blue floral dress with its skirt just above the knee—her dad bought her that dress from his conference trip to Maldives last year—and made a beeline to the bathroom to change her clothes. Jongdae had set the breakfast made by her aunt on the table when she got out. Since she got no appetite to eat anything, Jisoo made a turn to take a look at her dad and stood by his bed side.
While caressing the side of his face, Jisoo wondered how everything changed in a matter of hours. He was fine yesterday, they had dinner together and talked about her days in the US, he even laughed at her adapting difficulty. Now he had IV drip on his hand canalizing blood transfusion, and a nasogastric tube installed through his nose to—as what the doctor said—irrigate his stomach from residual bleeding. He looked so pale and soulless, it broke her heart. She put her hand on his, the one free from the IV drip, and squeezed it softly. The movement awaked him, and he smiled as he patted her hand.
A knock at the door distracted their quietness. Jisoo turned to see Yeonseok came with a nurse pushing an echo cart, and she was quite confused to find him there. It was much later when she came to realize that the ambulance had rushed them to Shinsegae instead of Hanguk General where his dad worked in—because it was closer from her house.
Yeonseok gave her a light smile and a nod before he greeted her dad with a soft touch on his arm.
“Good morning, Doctor, how’s your feeling?”
“A little bit dizzy." That’s actually an unexpected answer coming from her dad. She never thought of him a someone who would feel anything bad to his body, since she was never ever heard any single complain about his health.
Yeonseok told them that he’s going to do an echo imaging to check on his stomach, and Jisoo turned to join Jongdae back in the couch, letting him feed her despite the lack of appetite while the doctor exchanging words with his dad more about the procedure.
“Have you told Sehun about this?” Jongdae whispered while Jisoo couldn’t let her eyes off from Yeonseok putting gel then the echo probe on his dad’s belly.
This question turned Jisoo to him. It became aware to her that she’d been totally forgotten about him, she finally remembered that they supposed to have a date today.
“God, I forgot.” She sighed while searching for her phone on the couch, only to realize that she had left it in her dad’s room last night. “He wanted to take me to this art festival in Paju, but, I think I—can I use your phone? I think I left it when dad asked me to get clothes to change.”
“It’s okay. I’ll let him know you’re here, and I’ll text mom so she can have it with her when she come here later.”
Jisoo let out another loud relieved breath, then leaned her back on the couch. “Thanks, Bro.”
“Oh, shut it.” Jongdae waved her while he put out his phone from his jeans pocket and typed something on it.
It took about ten minutes for Yeonseok to have his examination. He said something again to her dad in a low voice, something that she couldn’t hear clearly then wished him a good rest before he walked up to her.
“Good morning, you must be Kim Jongdae.” Yeonseok extended his hand to greet her cousin, who was surprised to find that the doctor was familiar with his name at their first met. Jisoo had to explain who the doctor was and Jongdae seemed like he couldn’t feel happier to have a familiar figure to treat his uncle. After exchanging formalities, Yeonseok then turned to her.
“Can I talk to you in my office?”
Jisoo didn’t need to guess what it meant, she knew this kind of request with that certain tone always meant something serious must have happened. This might be the time Jisoo would get a better information from the more proper source, and when it's about to happen she didn’t think that she’s ready for whatever it was.
“It’s okay, Jisoo, I’ll keep your dad company.”
The pat on her upper arm took her back to reality and Yeonseok reached out his hand to give her way to walk before him. She didn’t say anything while they walked side by side following Yeonseok’s leads. He apologized for not getting the chance to come earlier, the hospital staff informed him about his dad being checked in just this morning, Jisoo only nodded since she couldn’t give a better response.
Yeonseok office was in another wing of the building, it took them three level ascending by the lift and another five minutes’ walk through a thick carpeted floor and white long corridor. Some people greet him with light bow and some even made them stop for a handshake. Many of them recognized her when Yeonseok introduced her as her dad’s daughter. Jisoo almost tempted to ask him what’s with the over friendly greeting, but seemed like it was no use when they finally reached the end of the corridor and Yeonseok opened a door entitled ‘Chief of Surgery’ in an acrylic plaque along with his name on it.
The door took them to a spacious office room that was too vacant for a job of his title. About three big boxes lined up at the floor by the couch. A wide L-shape modern style working table backing a huge window, made by what seemed like luxurious varnish wood accompanied with an attractive black high back office chair tucked behind it. There were two books racks at the other side of the room, and several empty boards for wall decorations.
“I’m sorry for the mess, it’s my first day here so I haven’t got the chance to set everything in place.” He said while taking off his white coat and welcomed her to sit on the couch. Well it explained everything about earlier hospitality and the lenient room.
Her dad didn’t say anything about Yeonseok’s chair in this hospital. She knew that Shinsegae belonged to his father, if Jongdae ever found out about this Jisoo could imagine his reaction would be nothing less than ‘nepotism is amazing’, ignoring the fact that although his alma mater was likely to play a major role in his promotion—he looked too young and less experienced compared to some doctors they met moments ago. Anyway, it’s not her business to debate over his life though.
Yeonseok reached her a minute later with two cups of tea and seated himself in a small couch beside hers. The way he intertwined the fingers on his hand while resting his elbows on his lap rose her anxiety.
“I know there must be so many questions you have about your dad’s condition. What I’m about to tell you is not a good thing, so whatever it comes with this, I need you to be strong. Okay?”
Jisoo nodded again as a sign of affirmation. There was a manila file on the table and Jisoo didn’t notice it was there until Yeonseok opened it and showed her several images of what likely to be the result of her dad abdomen CT and echo, there were also some other charts filled with words and numbers, and right that second, she could tell it was probably worse that she’d imagined. But of all the things exposed there, what surprised her the most was a familiar endoscopy images Yeonseok put out from the envelope inside the manila file. Jisoo covered her mouth with her hand upon the memory of her conversation with her dad yesterday.
“Oh my God, it was his.” She couldn’t hold her gasp the second that reality struck her. Her dad had cirrhosis, and he had these varicose veins on his esophagus because his liver is shutting down. Then she broke down into tears.
Yeonseok didn’t say anything, as if he knew that there was no use of explaining because she already had an idea of what’s happening.
“I don’t understand,” she said between the sobs seconds later, “I don’t—he’s not even a drinker. He never smoked, he’s the healthiest person I’ve ever known. Why would someone live a healthy life got a cirrhosis?”
“Apparently Doctor Kim had been living with hepatitis C virus quite long. He was probably contracted accidentally by patient in a surgical procedure, and since then had been refusing to be treated properly for the past five years. And a month ago, I got this record from Hanguk hospital—” he showed her a CT and the endoscopic images, “when he was admitted from internal bleeding. The CT had shown the enlargement of the spleen and also left lobe of the liver. It leads portal hypertension that can cause blood to be redirected to smaller veins, causing them to increase in size and become varices in his esophagus. This most likely what caused him throwing up blood.”
“Oh, God.”
And when she thought that was all, it appeared she was wrong again.
“Jisoo,” Yeonseok put his hand on hers to have her attention, “The last time Doctor Kim was admitted in Hanguk hospital, his liver had only fifty percent capacity to function. But he’s shown no recuperation during the past four weeks, from the blood test and the other exam results, now it’s decreased to twenty-one percent.”
It was done. That moment, Jisoo felt like the conversation was over with the death sentence.
*
When Jisoo was back to the room, Jongdae was having conversation with her dad. He seemed more alive now, the top of his bed was ascended, so he could half sit comfortably. Yeonseok had dropped her off in front of the room and excused himself to follow his first official schedule at the board meeting for his welcoming ceremony. He lent her his handkerchief to wipe her tears, and Jisoo couldn’t help noticing the empathy he showed her, it was endearing. She was wondering if he was always that gentle to his other patients’ family.
Both men, she knew, could see the trace of tears on her swollen face. But Jisoo didn’t want to cry in front of her dad, so she let out a smile and walked up to him.
“Stop scaring me, you Old Man. I thought I was gonna die last night.” She said as she took his hand on hers, and put it to her cheek.
Her dad smiled weakly, “We need to talk.”
“Yes, we do.”
As if the cue for him to leave, Jongdae cleared his throat saying he would leave to get some coffee. Jisoo shifted the chair to sit closer to the bed side and put down the side rails so she could rest her elbows on the bed.
The word sorry was the first thing her dad said for the talk. Jisoo bit her lower lips to keep herself from another breakdown, instead, she thinned her lips and pulled them to the side forming a comforting smile. She needed to be strong for him now.
“It’s okay, Dad. You’ll be okay.”
Five years. It’s a very long time to keep this disease secret from her, and Jisoo couldn’t help to wonder what would it feel to hold all the pain inside without letting anyone knew about it. The thing about her dad was that, he was not a complainer. There was never a single time she ever heard him grouching about being tired no matter how exhausting his schedules were. Even after long working hours, he still made the time to sit down with her and talked about their spending day. God, he didn't even tell anyone that he was admitted for checked-in patient in his hospital a month ago. What's wrong with him?
“Tell me one thing though,” she said a moment later, “Why keeping it a secret?”
“Your mom was sick, I couldn’t have me being sick too.”
“But you were, Dad. You still are, and now it’s getting worse.” She wiped her face while taking a deep breath.
The mention of her mom resulting a mix feeling in her heart and it wasn’t a good thing to feel. Five years ago was the hardest time for their little family as her mom was struggling to fight her final stage of lymphoma. It was tiring both physically and mentally not only for her mom, but also her dad and herself. She needed to endure the sick feeling when she watched her mom in pain after series of chemo and any other things on her cancer treatments, she cried every night on her prayer wishing God released her from the pain. And while living in that distress, her dad was more concerned on her feelings rather than his own health. She was extremely clueless on what to do right now.
“What should I do, Dad? Please tell me what to do.”
She watched her dad reached and patted her hand, another apology came straightly from his mouth as he began to shed a tear. It was a heartbreaking sight to see, Jisoo found it impossible to hold her tears any longer. So they cried.
“I’m sorry, I really didn’t plan to be sick. It’s unfair for you to see me dying too.”
Jisoo shook her head. No, this was very wrong. It wasn’t something her dad should have said when it’s not even his fault to be sick.
“If it’s okay with you, I have something to ask.” He coughed, “And I ask you this because I love you, because I don’t want you to get through this by yourself when I die.”
“No, Dad. Don’t say that, I’ll do anything for you. Just tell me what to do.”
Jisoo didn’t think when she heard his request. She didn’t swallow it well, neither did she try to comprehend what it was she would sign up for. All she could see was her dad needed her, and she would be that filial daughter that would do anything to keep him happy. Because for her whole twenty-one years, that was all he had done to her. Saying yes was the least she could do after all the things he did. She didn’t think when she nodded her head continuously. Between the sobs and choke, she said she would do it.
“Please let Yeonseok marry you.” he pleaded.
She’d never felt that sorry to herself afterwards.
*