[Adaline Fariah]
To trip and fall on your feet is painful. So, painful. At times it's easy to stand on your feet and keep on walking as if that didn't happen. But other times, it's hard to get up. The fall left you feeling weak, the fall destabilize your ability to think clearly. The fall clouded your sense of Jidgement and the ability to think that there are solutions that are still present.
With the destabilizing blow, it made you forget the strength you have within. That you have the ability to choose. To let these burdenening feeling strangle you in the neck, to dwell into helplessness. Or to choose to help yourself, despite the pain you are feeling within yourself. To help yourself even if it means you have to do it alone.
Sometimes there are people who can lend you a helping hand, to help you get up. At other times there are people who stumped your back with their own two feet, adding more pain. Not wanting to help you out. All of these things happen not just to me but other people as well. That's life.
Life, brought me a lot of ordeals. But the horrific ones were placed on my path to make me stronger. This is something I realized, that I came to accept as time passes by.
The rejection, abandonment, pain, heart breaks, heart aches, betrayal, criticism, were all their to redirect me in going to a direction that will make my life better.
Leaving things behind, is not a bad thing. Leaving people off from where you found them, is not a selfish thing to do. Putting your past and every memory outside your head, is a way to make space for new memories to come in. Clearing things out, is a way to help you throw all the baggages you've been carrying that are weighing you down.
My experience with in loving him, in loving Mike.
I paused from moving the pen, I smiled. This time this is not a bitter one. Everything makes sense now. I don't need to search thoroughly into remembering the memories I had with him. I can now avert myself, to turn away from those memories. I can ward it off without any feelings of resentment. I embrace that he was brought into my life, for a lesson. He wasn't meant to accompany me towards where I am destined to go to.
I was young. And it was never wrong that I learned to give my heart to someone in a very young age. I forgave myself for all of the wrong decisions I made.
With the every forlorn, I thought I wouldn't be able to find an escape from it. But I've finally reach this point, where I am liberated from all of it.
My parents, I cannot change them. I see no point in trying so hard, just for my hope that they will give me and my brother what we needed desperately when we were younger. The only way I can feel about this situation, is to have the courage to accept them for what they truly are. Acceptance. It's the only thing I can give away. Forgiveness? I don't know. The past scars are still imminent, it's not that easy to push these aside. Someday, someday I can give it to them. But for now, I don't need to force myself to forge the path of forgiveness.
Time will heal all of these pain. I cannot expect that it will be healed by tomorrow, or in the next weeks. But as the world revolves, and with each rising and setting of the the sun. With each passing day. A time will come where all of these scars don't hurt anymore. That they will be just scars.
Caecius. I finally found the meaning of his existence in my life. His arrival was unexpected. A stranger I met. Whom I never expected to developed a deep and genuine connection with. His love for me, was never meant to break me. It was given to me, to spread an illuminating brightness that fueled my spirit to move forward. The catalyst to shape me to put myself in a better position.
“I want to go back.” I shifted my head to look at him.
“I'll go with you.”
I smiled upon hearing him. The resurging feeling of fondness made me feel happy. Who would've thought that I have this king of love. Caecius' love for me was not selfish. I am free to spread my wings.
I wasn't chained. I smiled at the thought of it even more.
I am actually moved in knowing that he has a lot of amazing attributes in him. I thought I wouldn't be able to find someone who can love me as I am. What happened to my parents relationship, made me afraid that I would end up having that experience as well.
But I learned. That history doesn't need to repeat itself. My life is different from what my parents have. And I can always choose what I want to have in my life.
He carefully massage my hands with his own fingers. “Are you finally ready, Fari?” He asked, checking my expression with gentleness.
I showed him a reassuring smile. “I am. I am not ready.” I placed my hand on top of his.
I am ready. I am ready for take off. I think it's time for me to fully release everything. This is what I am now. I am not the same person in comparison to the previous versions of me that ever existed. A lot of changes happened within my life, within me. And I don't need to hold myself back from wanting to have the life I always dreamed of having. I don't need to stop myself from going into the direction I choose to go into. I think it is now time for me to have a taste of the love I always wants to receive, especially from someone who I know is capable of reciprocating my feelings.
“Shall we book us two a ticket?”
I giggled after hearing Caecius. I nodded my head at him, smiling at him sweetly...