He gently pats me, waking me up. “You’re home.” Why is he saying that like I am some lost kid and he’s the authority assigned with my case?
“What?” I’m trying to wake myself up by blinking as fast as I can. I slept too good I didn’t even notice that it’s dark and that I’m home. We’re outside my apartment building. “You could’ve woke me up when we where entering the City. Jax might see you.”
“I can’t. You snore loud.” His hands are resting on the steering wheel. He’s waiting for me to get out so I collected my things.
“I don’t snore.”
“Okay, whatever. Good bye.” Huh, what kind of attitude is that?
I rolled my eyes on him but I don’t think he saw that. His focus now is to go home— go back to Old man’s mansion.
I climbed out of the car. I’m still processing everything. What happened earlier feels like it happened yesterday. This feels like a new day.
“Thank you?” He’s looking at me now, waiting for me to thank him. What does he want now? For me to kneel and express how much thankful I am for our adventure today? Dream, muscle man. “Hello?” He tries again.
“Thanks, bye.” I turn my back. I hear him scoff then slaps the steering wheel before starting the car.
I enter the apartment building, then hides on the corner to watch him leave. Finally, he’s out of my sight.
So tiring. I wish I could do some teleporting straight to my tub. I feel very ashy and I smell like sun.
“Hello, Jess honey. Where have you been? It’s 2am.” Oh, that’s the reason why this feels like a new day, because it is.
“Oh hey, Ms. Cha. I went to visit my dad’s old place in the province.” My voice sounds like I just woke up.
Ms. Cha is the baker lady of the apartment building. She lives with her 2 cats and a very sweet dog. She’s the sweetest, calls me honey every time. I gave her an oven for her birthday, she loved it.
“Oh, you must be really tired. Why don’t you go up and get some sleep? I’m not going to disturb you with my stories.” She chuckles. I just smile and nodded at her before riding the elevator.
The elevator dings, finally, my floor. Ah, I miss the smell of my apartment building. It’s an unexplainable smell but I like it very much.
I’m trying my best not to look at Kathy’s door, but I’m staring at it now. Debating if I should go inside or just go straight to my apartment.
I think I failed her. Maybe I should’ve ride the boat to the Island to try and find out the reason behind her death but I turn it down. Why? Because I’m scared to hurt the Kids I don’t even know. I don’t even know if muscle man’s telling the truth.
Gosh, I feel stupid right now. Maybe I should go back to West? Maybe Jax is very busy with his Detective work and that he’s not inside my apartment right now.
What do you think, Jess? Should we go for it?
“No, b*tch.” I slapped myself.
“No what?” My heart almost jumped out when I heard him talk behind my back. Plus, the air of his words blew onto my neck.
“What the hell, Jax? You scared me!” I shouted at him very frustrated. My mind’s in the mix right now and I can’t even think straight.
Muscle man, what have you done?
Why am I blaming muscle man Rufus when it’s all Mr. old man Bartley’s fault? What ever, they’re in this together.
Why did I let them get inside my head?
“I’m so sorry. You’re not answering my calls. I’m surprised to see you standing outside Kathy’s door.”
I wash my face with my hand. “I’m sorry. I feel so tired and sleep.” I can’t even look at him right now. “What… what are you doing here? It’s 2 am.”
“You’re not answering my calls so I figured I need to check if you’re home.” He observes me. “Where have you been?”
“I- I….” what should I say? “I got out of work early so I decided to walk around the City to bond with myself. Nothing else.” I walk past him. I’m not in the mood for his interrogation.
When I got inside my apartment, I look back and he’s not there. “Shit.” I run towards the door to see where he is but he’s not there anymore.
I slammed the door. Feeling so disappointed with myself, I sat on the cold floor of my apartment trying to re-think my decisions in life.
That was rude, Jess. Really rude.
I texted him.
jesscapri
Hey, where are you? Can you go back here?
He texted me back after a minute.
jaxtonarcher
Maybe you try to get some sleep? It’s okay, Jess. Don’t overthink about it. We’ll talk tomorrow. :)
I scoot over the sofa, giving way to nothing. Not to sound dramatic but I feel so empty right now.
I have no motivation to shower because being ashy feels all right to me. I’ll just lay here until somebody or something needs me to get up and do something.
Where do I go? Where do I hide? I was horrible to someone who cares for me genuinely, it will be a shame if I run to him now.
What should I do? I’m running out of options. I can’t even decide for myself.
“What if you end it all, Jess?” Somebody’s whispering. I don’t know who it is.
I get up to look for the person whispering. “Hello? Who are you?”
It’s quiet, so quiet. “Maybe it’s all in my head.” I say to myself then go back to the couch.
“End your suffering, Jess. This is not the good life you wanted.” What the hell?
“What the f*ck do you want from me? Leave me alone!” I screamed. I’m covering my ears while trying to shut my eyes as hard as I can.
“This is not what you wanted, Jess. You can always end it all. End it, now.”
“Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” It won’t stop, it’s whispering over and over.
“Exit this life, it’s not for you. You’re weak, you’re worthless, you are nothing like your father!”
“Shut up!” I screamed back. Speak to me more, I’m close to figuring who you are.
“You are an abandoned child! You are surrounded by murders! You have a boring life! How could you live like this!?” I scoot over to the couch even more, trying to get sucked inside it.
“You are not worthy of anything! You are not worthy of this suffering, you are weak! This is what you get when you betray the only person who loves you—“
“Shut up, shut up, Mother!” I see her. She’s standing in front of me. “You are not worthy! You are not worthy of me or father, it’s the right and the most beautiful decision we made to leave you!” I stand up, tried to level her but I’m so tiny to do that.
We’re back at her apartment, I’m a child again. If I can remember, this time, I did not stood up for dad or myself with what she’s doing. Now, I feel powerful enough to defend myself.
“You left me everyday. For what, huh? For your junkie boyfriend! You kick me out to have fun, not giving even a little worry for me!” My tears fell down. Her face is calm right now, she’s crying too.
She touches my face. “I’m sorry, my little girl.”
I realize that is not her who shouted at me, she’s not the one who told me to give up. But this, this is her.
“Mom?”
“My little girl, I’m so sorry. Mommy is very sorry.”
“Mom, I was just a little girl. I needed you, and I love you, mama.” I tell her.
“I know, baby. I’m so sorry.” She kisses me.
‘’Mama, where are you? Why haven’t you visited me all these years?”
“Oh, baby. I want to, mama wants to visit you. Believe me.” She breaks from the hug, touching my face again. “Mama is just ashamed to show up, I don’t want to add any more burden in your life.”
“Mama, I want to forgive you. I need you, ma.” I lay on her chest. “I need my mama.” Then, I sobbed. Hard. “I can’t do this anymore, ma. Please, just be here. A mom will always understand her child, right?” I beg her. She’s quiet, just hugging me.
“Mama, say something. Will you stay here? With me?” I look at her. She’s smiling.
Her smile makes me feel so safe.
“Oh, baby. Mama can’t. I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“I can’t stay here, baby.”
“W-why? You’re here, ma. Why leave? Why leave me again?”
She kisses my forehead. “Mama’s not here. I just want to say hi to you my little girl, no goodbyes.”
“What are you saying, ma?”
“You will understand. Just, do me a little favor?” She hugs me again. “Don’t give up. Live the life you want because you decide for yourself. Make me proud, okay? Make daddy proud.”
“Mama, why are you saying this?” She didn’t answer me.
“I will give you something very soon, baby.”
“What is it, ma?”
“You’ll find out, it’s a surprise.” She said. She stands up.
“Where are you going, ma? Can’t you stay?”
“I’ll be by your side, baby. Mama loves you.” Then she vanish.
“Mom!” I shout, trying to find here around the house. Where did she go? I kept screaming and screaming.
My heart’s beating too fast. “Where are you, mom?” I can’t breathe, I lay my head on the wall.
My heart’s beating faster and faster. What is this? I feel so numb. I try to go back to my living room but I collapsed.
I woke up the sound of my door bell and a knock. “Jess Capri? Ma’am? This is the police, please open up.”
What are the police doing here? It’s dawn.
I look outside the window, then the clock. Shit. It’s 2 in the afternoon.
I get up to open the door. “Ma’am, are you Jess Capri? Daughter of Jenna Capri?” A tall guy in a police uniform ask.
“Yes, sir. What is this about?”
“Ma’am, maybe you need to sit down.” He offered.
“Please, just— just tell me what’s going on. I have to get to work.” I said.
He pauses. “We’re here to inform you that your mother passed away at 4 this morning, due to drug overdose. We’re very sorry, ma’am.”
I collapsed.