Chapter Seventeen – Coward
I'm a coward.
I hid to the nearest cubicle, slamming the door behind me as I pulled the toilet seat down and sat, pulling my knees closer to my chest.
I stared at the door while trying to maintain my silence as my breath became heavy and the silence was nerve-wrecking.
A few moments later, clicking of heels were heard nearing close and their boisterous shrill laughter that resonated the whole bathroom.
"That was funny!" a girl screeched, letting out a shrill laughter. "--she deserved it."
"I know," another girl pipes up and I could just imagine her eyes rolling. "--that's what she gets for being too possessive towards Tom."
I rolled my eyes, wanting to snort. Excuse me? Being possessive? Since when did I controlled him? I literally tell him to get away and now I’m the possessive one.
Get your delusions right.
"That was scary though."
My eyes perked up in slight interest. What was scary? My locker or what?
"Did you see how scary Tom looked was?"
"I know. He was so angry he punched a wall and a dent was evident on it," a sound of lip-gloss being applied followed and I'm pretty sure they were slapping it in their lips.
I sat there with my heart racing. He punched a wall? What for? I don't want to assume anything but was he angry for me? It's not his problem, it should be the least of his problems.
"He threatened to beat the living hell of someone who did that to her," the girl chimed in with a disgust. "---ugh! What did she do to have Tom? Did she use another one of her stupid creepy ritual?"
"Maybe Tom has a secret too," a girl chuckled. "--maybe he's not really as cool as we thought. I mean, who stays with the outcast, unless he belongs there?"
"That would be sad," a girl clicks her tongue. "--his looks are all for vain if he's a weirdo too."
"Maybe he's a furry," a girl chuckled. "---or those weird incels."
I bit my lip, wanting to scream at them for bad-mouthing someone, as much as assuming things.
But I couldn't. I didn't have the strength to fight them off.
I heaved a sigh, feeling the heavy weight in my chest become more of a burden.
I told him to stay away from me. Look what's happening? People might create a rumour around him and he'll be an outcast...because of me.
Because I thought it was alright to be selfish.
I shake my head profusely, refusing to at least let one tear trickle down my eyes. I will never cry again. I promised that to myself.
Crying is for losers.
If I cried, I'll lose to these stupid people and I didn't want that.
I didn't know how long I was staying in this cubicle, but my legs were starting to feel numb. I stared at the floor and sighed, letting random thoughts passed through me.
"Avery?"
My eyes shifted to the door and the beat in my heart fasten. I didn't answer and hope he'll take it as me not being here. I clenched on my hands, pulling my knees as close as possible without muttering a word
I don’t want to see him. Not when I’m this vulnerable.
Not when I’m at this point that I’m so pitiful.
"Avery, let's talk," he says softly, and it sounded like a lullaby, luring someone.
"Avery, come on," he replied. "--I'll be seen as a pervert if you don't open up."
"Go away!" I screech.
"I won’t!” his voice boomed. “—when I find you, you better listen.”
I was lost for words and something churned inside my stomach. My breath fanned as I deliberately prayed that he'll give it up and go home.
He’s stupid. Why is he risking things for me? Doesn’t he know that I might not be the only person here or if he opens the wrong cubicle.
I heard shuffling and grunts which were probably his and felt a shadow cast over my head. I looked upwards and my eyes widened when I see his head peer over my cubicle.
He said nothing as he climbed onto my cubicle and landed safely with his feet.
I look away, refusing to meet his eyes. "You're a pervert, aren't you? Just go away."
"Why didn't you tell me you were bullied?"
"Why should I tell you?" I sneered.
"I'm your friend, Avery!”
"You're not my friend," I croaked. "--I will never be your friend, so stop picking your nose in someone else's business!"
"You're selfish and unfair, Tom," my voice wavered. "--did you ever thought of my feelings? Did you ever realize that all you’re doing is hurting me?"
I chuckled bitterly. "I'm alright with this treatment. I'm used to it. So don't act like you're my hero, alright? I don't need help nor a hero to come sweep me of my feet."
"I'm tired of it."
"I'm tired to letting people in," I faced him with a tired smile, letting exhaustion get over me. "--I've had enough. I just want to pretend that this was alright, that this is just a dream."
"You're stupid, Avery.”
"Am I?" I try to say in amusement, but I was tired of it.
"There are people who care about you," he grimaced. "--and I'm one of that."
“You think that I’m not hurt when people do this to you?”
"I care about you so much that I'm willing to do anything to make you happy!" his words struck onto me. "--I'm not your hero, Avery nor I'm trying to be one."
“But I can be your friend who can help shoulder the burden you carry.”
"For fuck's sake, how long are you going to push people?" he frowned at me, lips pursed into a thin line. "---will you really just keep every people who want to understand you, out of your life?"
“You’re not a burden, Avery. If you think that way, then you’re wrong.”
I didn't know what he was trying to do, but somehow it just made the tears I've tried to hold in, trickle.
“You don’t understand me,” I lowered my head.
"I'm doing this for your own good!" my voice wavered. "--I'm an outcast, Tom. You don't belong in where I stand! If you stayed with someone like me, you're going to be an outcast too."
"At least let me do as much as that for you," I whispered.
“Because I won’t forgive myself if I let it happen.”
I feel his warm hands held mine and shivers rose to my spine. I looked at him as he grabbed a hold of my hands into his and squeezed it. "What am I to you, Avery?"
"Tell me, do you really hate every moment we spent?"
“Am I nothing but a burden to you?”
"If you did, then I'll leave your side," he says and my chest feels heavy. It was like daggers came striking through me. "--I won't bother you anymore. I won't ever bat an eye to you. So tell me, do you want me gone?"
"Just say the words, and I'll be out of your life."
I tried to mutter anything, but my lips just quiver and all that came out was a sob.
I try to pry my hands away from his but he held it too tightly that I couldn't hide these shameful tears.
I don't. I don't want to end this.
I don’t want him gone.
Because he’s that someone who didn't believe the stupid rumours. That someone looked at me with such warmth and I didn't deserve that.
I was just trying to protect them; to protect those smiles from ending up like me.
"I'm sorry," he says softly. "--I went too far.”
“Don’t cry, Avery,” he murmurs, sounding conflicted.
I shake my head, tears still sliding down my eyes. It was painful, excruciating and at the same time, it felt as if the heavy weight in my chest was starting to lighten.
"Avery, can't you see? I hate it when people do this to you."
“If anything, they’re the monsters themselves.”
"You don't need to alone," he murmurs, letting go of my hands and instead patted my hair gently. "--you don't need to suffer by yourself."
"You don't need to be miserable for other people any longer," he whispered and his hands trailed to my shoulder. "--you deserve to be happy too. Because you're human with feelings too, not some tool, not some witch."
And somehow just him saying that was comfort to me.
He pulls my head into his chest as I continued crying, feeling his shirt getting wet as time passed by. I couldn't stop these feelings of mine, no matter how I tried to.
I couldn't lie to him anymore. I couldn't grit my teeth and pretend to be brash. I couldn't. Just feeling this warm, fuzzy feeling was too good to let go.
We stood there as time passed by with his hand stroking my hair gently as I sobbed for what felt like an eternity.
He murmured and I could hear his chest raise so fast. “Cry it all out okay, Avery?”
“It’s not shameful to be weak sometimes,” he uttered.
After a while, I pulled apart from his hold and I looked away, trying to wipe my face with my sleeves that I forgot it was Tom's sweater. My nose is puffy and I feel like my eyes are swollen like I just got stung from a bee.
I looked like a mess and embarrassment came washing over me. I just cried like a stupid girl in front of him, the least person I would want to be seen with. I didn’t know how to react.
I am embarrassed for crying, for letting him comfort me and for letting my bottle feelings come loose. But as I peered my head to meet his, his eyes weren't looking at me in judgement or anything at all.
It was pure warmth and comfort that was on his eyes and that made my heart skip a beat.
I feel my cheeks turn red as he finally smiled, and it wasn't a scowl anymore. He places his thumb on my eyes as he tries to wipe the tears and I was too tired to fight with him, seeing as he saw the naked me. My naked emotions.
"Let me ask you again, Avery," he murmured. "--who am I to you?"
I don't answer and he leans closer, his face close to mine that I feel his breath fan over my face. I could get another sniff of his perfume and it was intoxicating.
I tried to softly push him away with my hands on his chest, but he doesn't budge and leans close, making my heart quicken. "Who am I to you?"
I looked away, trying to avoid him but he cups my cheeks and made me turn and look into those olive eyes of his. He leans much closer until his temple was pressed onto mine.
My eyes involuntary turned shut, my heart doing all type of leaps as I sat there frozen with his warm touch on my cheeks.
His lips brushed against mine and electric sparks throughout mine.
Is he going to kiss me? I want to push him away, but my hands were too weak to even move.
I pushed him away when a voice called and he steps back with his face red and I coughed, looking away with anywhere but him. I tuck a strand behind my ear, feeling my heart deafening my ears.
"Avery?" Emily peered from the outside and I silently thanked her for barging in.
Who knows what would happen if we actually kissed? I don't want to know.